"We've got two lives-

             one we're given, and the other one we make..."

                                                                   ~Mary Chapin Carpenter

I was driving down the road today, and I came to the realization that it's been a long time since I have fought for anything.  For a while I was fighting with SOMEONE... For a while it felt like I was fighting for my LIFE...  I've even had times when there was an internal struggle with my SELF...  I guess for being a pretty non-confrontational person, I have done a lot of fighting in all these years.

Now, I feel like I am doing all these great things, but there isn't a battle.  Maybe because I am empowered and know I can achieve anything I please, or maybe I just don't feel like I have to fight anyone.  It's not that I lose sleep because I don't have a struggle- I just realize that there isn't a push to overcome something.  I guess it can be hard when the adversity isn't there?

I wonder what is different in my life.  I know I had a divorce.  I know I've recovered from illness.  I also know that I have a much healthier self-concept.  I am fairly certain that I haven't grown to be passive, but I wonder why I am not waking up and fighting to prove the world wrong.

Perhaps it is because I really don't put a lot of thought into what people think anymore.  I appreciate the thoughts and advice of friends, but I also don't lose sleep over a negative comment.  I went to the hair salon today, and ventured to "go blonde."  Well, I fought the compulsion to dye my hair purple, but the fact that I am a teacher is all that held me back.  The old me would have thought for quite a long time about the implications of minor hair change.  The current me says "GO FOR IT!"  In fact, it wasn't long ago that I didn't even have hair of my own--who cares what color my hair is? It's HAIR...

I do love the idea of the "shuffle" button on the iPod.  I was a fan of the mixtape, which for those of you young folk out there is quite a planned ordeal.  Hours and probably even days would be spent planning and taping songs in a specific order.  Usually, these tapes were made to impress chicks...

The "shuffle" button is beautiful, because it really churns up the music library.  There are songs that haven't received play in quite a while, and they just happen to pop up every now and then.  I am not a superstitious person, but I have to wonder why certain songs are played right when I need to hear them.

If you aren't familiar with Mary Chapin Carpenter, she's an incredibly good songwriter.  I also like the fact that when I sing along in the car, I can at least pretend to harmonize with those throaty vocals (I was not born with the voice of a songbird.).  Anyway, I was driving along and the song "The Hard Way" came into play.  I remember listening to the history of the song a while back: it was a song that was written about a relationship, but has become more of a song of social activism.  I remember hearing the lines "we've got two lives- one we're given, and the other one we make..."  That really made me stop. Well, not literally, since I was driving... It did make me wonder about this whole internal discussion I was having with myself.

I think that line was perfect--I have had two lives.  The first life was given to me, and all I could do was react to it.  I felt like I didn't have a choice in anything, and was constantly on defense.  This second life has all been what I have made it.  I have intentionally made the choices that will change my life, and perhaps that is why I have found more peace.  I mean, I am the same person in theory, but I will say that I feel like a completely different Michelle.

On Purpose...

The purpose of morality is to teach you, not to suffer and die, but to enjoy yourself and live. ~Ayn Rand

I have thought a lot today about purpose.  Why do we do what we do? And do our actions and speech show purpose?

I teach middle school. I love my job, but I can tell you that there is a lot of time where people do NOT speak with purpose... In fact, I think there are some young people that speak just to hear something.  It isn't just their words--their actions show they have lost purpose in their life.  It is funny that I am more aware about such things once starting this project.

I can tell you that my life is filled with purpose.  It wasn't always that way, though.  In fact, until about five months ago, I felt like my life had little purpose.  I knew I had to exist for my kids, and I needed a job in order to support them.  But I didn't feel a fire inside me... I wasn't excited about life, and I didn't make conscious decisions about my future.  I was living just to get by, and I felt like I was barely holding on.  Life isn't meant for existence--I was meant to thrive!  I knew if I stayed in the same old rut, I would end up miserable (and I was close!).

I made a conscious decision to give my life purpose.  And not just assign purpose, but to find it in all of my actions.  Motive is an interesting thing.  People need something out of every interaction in life.  Once you find the motive, it's easy to see what you are missing in life.  Not only was I orienting myself toward purpose; I was also examining the motives of my actions.

I will be brutally honest for a moment.  I know I was miserable.  I hated my life.  I felt suffocated by everything, and my brain's response was to zone out.  That was no way to even exist.  I hated life, and tried to blame people for causing me to be where I was.  In the end, I realized that I ultimately had a choice over whether I would remain miserable.  I had a choice over everything in my life, and I was tired of sitting by and being miserable that life didn't turn out the way I hoped.

Moving back toward family was probably the best decision I have ever made in my life.  I have gotten so much support, that I have been able to approach all my decisions as whether or not things fill my life with meaning.  I am no longer facing the battle of survival--I am able to make conscious decisions about where I want to go in life, what I want to do in my future, and with whom I want to spend my time.  It has been liberating and very settling at the same time.

This project has caused me to magnify my daily actions, and look for the purpose.  I am examining my world through a completely different lens.  Through the sweat, tears, laughter and pain, I am seeing what a strong, confident, and intelligent woman I have become.  The purpose of these past few months has been a transformation, but it has also been to restore what was rightfully mine.  I got my "self" back. :-)