Dreams

These past few days, I have been on the road.  I always enjoy a good road trip, but it also exhausts me beyond belief.  And because I was on the trip for work, my mental capacity had already worn thin.  It wasn't hard to believe that I was exhausted each night that I retired to the cabin in the woods.  It was dark, quiet, and peaceful, and I managed to catch up on sleep I had missed over the past year (22 hours of sleep over two nights... YES!!!).

Yesterday was the last day of the month, and I forgot to write about how the month had gone.  I didn't have internet service up on top of the mountain, so I guess it would have been hard to even try to post on the site.  I went to bed last night relaxed and calm, and drifted off to sleep around 9pm.

Last night was quite an epic dream.  I don't get these dreams very often, but when I do they are powerful.  The last great dream I had was the one that told me I was pregnant with my daughter.  I can still remember that series of dreams, where I greeted a tiny girl in pigtails named Carly.  She had beautiful blue eyes and wore a little jean jacket.  I am not a terribly superstitious person, but this was the reason I broke down and took a pregnancy test (since I was told that I would not be having children).  And when it came back with a glaring positive, I knew it would be a girl, and she would be named Carly.

Last night's dream was just as powerful.  I can still remember all of the sights and smells and sounds of the dream.  It seemed very calm and relaxed, and I remember feeling at peace.  "All Will Be Well" by The Gabe Dixon Band was playing in the background, and I remember walking out onto a porch of a country house (it was a beautiful shade of blue with white trim).  I remembered noting the porch, because it was a wraparound porch, and I have always wanted a house with a porch that wrapped around.  The memory is so vivid I could sit and sketch the house right now.

I remember I was carrying a bunch of flowers--they were absolutely simple and beautiful. I remember there was a breeze and warm sunlight, so it must have been early evening.  I was wearing a sundress that was light and airy, and had tiny eyelets in the fabric.  I don't wear dresses, so that was an interesting image.  It was so relaxed and calm, and I remember feeling extremely happy. I was right where I needed to be, and everything was falling into place.

I remember hearing voices of random people talking out in the yard, and it seemed like a decent-sized group of people.  During the dream, I never went around the corner.  It was like all of the dream was spent focusing on the details, and not a lot of action ever happened.  I felt like I was dropped into a dream world, and I was busy figuring out any clues that would lead me to the story.

I do remember a smell that was very familiar.  I have tried my best to place that smell all day, but couldn't.  I guess, as in the dream of Carly, it might all eventually be revealed to me.  I remember it was a relaxing and comforting scent, and it was something very familiar.

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face.  With all that has happened over the past year, it was nice to have a dream that involved peace and calm.  I know that my life has been full of change, and it seems that life has really taken a turn for the better.  I have two children I absolutely adore, I have a boyfriend that is incredibly supportive and kind, I have friends that root me on in my journeys and welcome me into their lives, and I have a job that allows me to contribute to the lives of my students.  I know there is no coincidence that I would have a dream of peace and calm when my life is actually finding peace.

I still have to wonder... For a person that is not terribly superstitious, it seems strange that I get these important dreams at pivotal moments in my life.  I wonder if I will ever have that house with the wraparound porch, if I will pick flowers in a sundress, or if it was all meant to be something more?  I guess I could sit and worry about it, or enjoy the fact that I had a nice evening of peaceful slumber on the last day of the month.  It was quite a night to have such a dream. Is it asking too much for that peaceful moment to someday become a reality? :-)

Memories

I was talking to someone last night about memories.  We were talking about how vivid "good" memories tie us from the past to the future.  Through the course of a random conversation he said the word "clambake," and I literally had a flood of memories come back to me from my childhood.  I told a 20-minute long story about the clambakes my family used to host, and went into great detail about my childhood home.  It is amazing how a random word can cause such a chain reaction when it comes to memory.

This is something I haven't really dealt with since the accident and subsequent falls and medications.  The truth is, I don't remember at least a year of my life now, and there are other holes that appear to be missing.  I know that seizure medications can cause major problems with memory, and I know that I was taking well over the maximum prescribed dosage.  Experimental medications always make me uneasy, and I was on maxed-out dosages of that toxic ick.  There were so many chemicals pumped into my body, I imagine I am more preserved than Keith Richards...

I want desperately to remember my past.  Even if it was a difficult time, I want that connection to my life.  I feel like I woke up one morning and started a new life, and it terrifies me.  I was telling someone this last night, and we noticed that the brain has seemed to reset itself.  I hear that people have distinct personality changes after accidents--I feel like my mind was definitely affected, but my personality remains intact.

Of course, we have to factor in the divorce.  There is obviously going to be a change in personality when I became liberated, so I don't want that confused with recovery.  I will say that through all the difficulties I have had over the past six months, and probably even more, I have had an easier time going it alone.  I feel like I can really be dependent on myself, and that has proven how resilient I really am.

Back to the memories...  I went to the Traumatic Brain Injury Conference a few weeks ago, and it was mentioned that for the most part, people are able to retain a lot of information or their slate is wiped clean.  I feel like I recaptured an amazing amount of information, but I do feel like I am lagging behind where I should be.  I long ago abandoned the idea that life will be perfect and I would be a high achiever.  Right now I just want to be comfortable remembering normal things like names and my grocery list (the people at Kroger think I am crazy as I stare off into space in confusion...).  But, with the lack of name recall, I remember most everything from graduate school, and have retained an amazing amount of trivial facts.  It really is amazing how much random information I remember, but can't remember basic memories.

I think pictures have helped me out greatly.  I do love looking at pictures from years past, especially around the incident.  It's strange to look at them and either remember everything about the picture, or remark that the photographer must not have been me (even though I was the only one that could have taken the photo).  Either way, I feel that I at least have a link to the past.  In time, I will be able to sort through my memories and place information in the correct time slots.

I do feel like my life now is without a filter.  I feel like I feel things with more intensity, and notice more random detail.  I don't have a lot of comparison other than going off comments of friends and family.  They notice that I am very involved in the world, and am embracing the experiences around me.  I am not sure if this is typical of a person with a brain injury, or if I am really living a different reality.  Either way, I do like it.

Now that the memories have started trickling back, I have to brace myself for the emotions that are connected.  I will get these waves of intense memory and emotion like in the clambake episode, and it terrifies me.  I can have the most detailed and realistic memories, so much so that it almost feels like a dream.  I feel like Alice in Wonderland, where the reality doesn't feel quite real.  I wonder if this ordeal will even itself out, or if I will have to hold on for the ride.

I commented last night that I definitely feel like I am on a different level now--I feel like I am not as smart as I used to be.  I recall most of the information, but it feels like my processing speed is dramatically decreased.  Other people might not notice, but I do feel different.  I know I have all of this information in my head, but my body isn't responding as quickly as I like.  It is terribly frustrating, and I am not sure what I need to do about this problem.  I did become more sensitive in my work with gifted students.  A teacher commented today about how one of my gifted students was "one of the best and brightest of the school, so how dare he..." Of course, if we looked at teenage development, his reaction was right on the mark for his age group.  To expect intellectually gifted kids to always be superior than their peers is a major problem.  And now that I feel like I have "lost" some of my giftedness, I am particularly sensitive to the whole experience of being gifted.

Wow, this whole thing felt like a rant--almost a lucid dream.  I guess that is how memories work, and how the mind works in general.  The reality is that this miraculous organ called the brain works as hard as it can to make connections.  We just hope that the connections it makes are to reality--that these connections can help us rediscover our past, and help us determine our future.  If not, it's been one heck of a dream...