It's Been a While...

I never thought I would get so out of the habit of writing...

The end of the school year is always busy, with paperwork and cleaning the classroom, exams and last-minute meetings.  I try to plan ahead every year, but I am always rushing around in the end.

Tomorrow is the last day of classes for the kids, and I am ready for a break!  I have been pushing hard this year, with a lot of new changes.  The divorce was final, I had a major move, a new job, and shuffling kids to school and activities.  I will consider this year to be incredibly successful- more than anything because I survived!  My activity level stayed high, and aside from the two surgeries I had a pretty healthy year (all things considered).

I am excited to have the summer to work on a lot of projects I let fall behind.  I also have a lot of work to do for my major project.  I will be reading my 10 books, I will catch my first fish, I will work on training for the race, and I will take my road trip.

Next week I am supposed to head to the mountains for a much-needed break.  I am more than excited at the prospect of reading, watching movies, and relaxing on the porch when I am not in the city meeting people.  I have been waiting for a break from this chaos, and the time will soon be mine. :-)

While thinking about planning this getaway, I thought about my patterns of photography.  I have gone through major changes in the frequency of pictures I have taken.  It seems I take more when I am having trouble with pain or with my memory.  It's almost like I feel like I have to capture memories so I don't forget later.

After my injury, I took a lot of photos.  I looked at them later, and couldn't really remember that I even took them.  It was helpful that I captured the memories, and I wondered if I had an urgency to capture the memories to look back on later.  I know I have had days like that over the past year.

I thought of taking my camera with me on this trip, and I know I ultimately will.  My immediate reaction was that I didn't need it, because I would remember this trip.  It's funny how I always capture very sensory memories of trips like these.  Any time I can find refuge somewhere, I always absorb the experience.  I will remember the scent of the cabin, the shine of the track lighting on me when I read a book late into the night, the sound of the birds in the woods in the early evening.  I am wishing, hoping, even praying that there will be rain so I can hear the rain on the tin roof.  And the feel of a warm bath in the old-fashioned clawfoot bathtub will be the perfect way to end an evening.

I may not remember little bits of memories throughout the past, but experiences like these will be ingrained in my memory forever.  I guess that is where my "focus" comes in- I am able to see, hear, and feel the world around me like many people miss.  I have to wonder if that's a better memory, or a more open lens when it comes to evaluating the experience.  I don't create the feelings later; I just realize what is happening around me more clearly.

I promise the next post will not take 11 days...

Lost in Thought...

I've been thinking a lot over this past week... This often gets me into trouble...

Some say idle hands are the devil's playground--I feel the same with my mind.  If I let it wander, it's hard to rope me back into reality.

I have thought a lot about what the doctor said to me during our interview--about all of the information he threw at me.  The reality is that it took days for me to digest our conversation.  A sixteen-hour car ride seems like the best place to think of such things.

I concluded that I will indeed be a producer--of ideas, of motivation, of goodwill.  I am working on my writing projects, and I absolutely love working with photography and talking with people.  These projects have given me a new passion for life.  I am quite alright "selling tickets," and I believe there are many people that would like to jump on board and join me for the show.

This realization made me think a lot about the second part- "not meet criteria." I was to sell tickets, and not meet criteria.  The logician in me thought it was absurd, because there is criteria for everything these days.  The reality is that I have never done well when I have to bend to the whims of others.  I perform best when I march to my own beat.  I am one of the few that pushes herself ahead.  I am terribly intrinsically motivated, and any external rewards almost shut me down. They insult me.  They tear down my spirit.

I wonder if all writers feel that way.  Or all producers.

I thought about a quote of Emerson's.  Man, if I could pick one person that I had to quote for the rest of my life, it would be him.  He saw the world through the same focus as me--we were kindred spirits, separated by many years.

"Every man I meet is in some way my superior."  ~Emerson

This has always made me think about ego; how so many people aren't willing to see that interactions add value to their lives.  There is always something I can gain from every interaction I have.  It may not always be a positive experience, but at least I have learned something.  That was the greatest lesson my father taught me, and Emerson just stated it more eloquently.

I remember my father telling me long ago that there will be people in life that will give you great lessons.  There will be people in life that will say things with which you don't agree.  The key is to listen (not just hear, but listen!), because you can take something away from every interaction with people.  Even if it is how NOT to do something, you will learn something from those around you.

I believe that people can be wonderful, compassionate people.  They can always be egotistical, self-centered and believe they are the masters of their field.  Everyone has something to learn--some of us are better at admitting it.  In time, I believe everyone will realize they have room to grow, and even blossom.

I know I don't have all the answers.  I know I have made more mistakes in my life than I care to mention.  The reality is that I only made mistakes because I got out there and tried!  I lived, I took risks, and I failed.  It's life.  My ego isn't bruised because of it--I learn, I suck it up, develop who I am, and I move on.  This makes me a better writer, a better teacher, a better leader, and a better mother.  I feel I am more empathetic because I have been there, but I am also wise enough to know that there are people that know more than me.  There are so many that have gone before me, and are many steps ahead of me.  And everyone has something to give me along my journey...

I am not becoming some crazy radical, but I am growing tired of meeting the criteria.  This world constantly has "conditions" to maintain order.  Look around us-is there really order? Because I am not seeing it!  I feel that I can be the most productive when I put my mind to work (instead of idling), and produce SOMETHING.  I like to think, I like to explore the world around me, and I like to talk to people.  I love to take these adventures, put them together, and write about them.  This is where I will be selling my tickets.  Nothing crazy--just being who I am.

Along this journey of twenty-nine years (and counting), I have set a course for who I want to be.  I know that there are so many around me that will contribute along this journey.  Some have already come into my lives, and some I have yet to meet.  I received an e-mail that I will be receiving a list of more contacts for the book.  Something about this e-mail tells me there has been a course SET for me, and it isn't my plan.  Right now, I am just along for the ride.

Memories

I was talking to someone last night about memories.  We were talking about how vivid "good" memories tie us from the past to the future.  Through the course of a random conversation he said the word "clambake," and I literally had a flood of memories come back to me from my childhood.  I told a 20-minute long story about the clambakes my family used to host, and went into great detail about my childhood home.  It is amazing how a random word can cause such a chain reaction when it comes to memory.

This is something I haven't really dealt with since the accident and subsequent falls and medications.  The truth is, I don't remember at least a year of my life now, and there are other holes that appear to be missing.  I know that seizure medications can cause major problems with memory, and I know that I was taking well over the maximum prescribed dosage.  Experimental medications always make me uneasy, and I was on maxed-out dosages of that toxic ick.  There were so many chemicals pumped into my body, I imagine I am more preserved than Keith Richards...

I want desperately to remember my past.  Even if it was a difficult time, I want that connection to my life.  I feel like I woke up one morning and started a new life, and it terrifies me.  I was telling someone this last night, and we noticed that the brain has seemed to reset itself.  I hear that people have distinct personality changes after accidents--I feel like my mind was definitely affected, but my personality remains intact.

Of course, we have to factor in the divorce.  There is obviously going to be a change in personality when I became liberated, so I don't want that confused with recovery.  I will say that through all the difficulties I have had over the past six months, and probably even more, I have had an easier time going it alone.  I feel like I can really be dependent on myself, and that has proven how resilient I really am.

Back to the memories...  I went to the Traumatic Brain Injury Conference a few weeks ago, and it was mentioned that for the most part, people are able to retain a lot of information or their slate is wiped clean.  I feel like I recaptured an amazing amount of information, but I do feel like I am lagging behind where I should be.  I long ago abandoned the idea that life will be perfect and I would be a high achiever.  Right now I just want to be comfortable remembering normal things like names and my grocery list (the people at Kroger think I am crazy as I stare off into space in confusion...).  But, with the lack of name recall, I remember most everything from graduate school, and have retained an amazing amount of trivial facts.  It really is amazing how much random information I remember, but can't remember basic memories.

I think pictures have helped me out greatly.  I do love looking at pictures from years past, especially around the incident.  It's strange to look at them and either remember everything about the picture, or remark that the photographer must not have been me (even though I was the only one that could have taken the photo).  Either way, I feel that I at least have a link to the past.  In time, I will be able to sort through my memories and place information in the correct time slots.

I do feel like my life now is without a filter.  I feel like I feel things with more intensity, and notice more random detail.  I don't have a lot of comparison other than going off comments of friends and family.  They notice that I am very involved in the world, and am embracing the experiences around me.  I am not sure if this is typical of a person with a brain injury, or if I am really living a different reality.  Either way, I do like it.

Now that the memories have started trickling back, I have to brace myself for the emotions that are connected.  I will get these waves of intense memory and emotion like in the clambake episode, and it terrifies me.  I can have the most detailed and realistic memories, so much so that it almost feels like a dream.  I feel like Alice in Wonderland, where the reality doesn't feel quite real.  I wonder if this ordeal will even itself out, or if I will have to hold on for the ride.

I commented last night that I definitely feel like I am on a different level now--I feel like I am not as smart as I used to be.  I recall most of the information, but it feels like my processing speed is dramatically decreased.  Other people might not notice, but I do feel different.  I know I have all of this information in my head, but my body isn't responding as quickly as I like.  It is terribly frustrating, and I am not sure what I need to do about this problem.  I did become more sensitive in my work with gifted students.  A teacher commented today about how one of my gifted students was "one of the best and brightest of the school, so how dare he..." Of course, if we looked at teenage development, his reaction was right on the mark for his age group.  To expect intellectually gifted kids to always be superior than their peers is a major problem.  And now that I feel like I have "lost" some of my giftedness, I am particularly sensitive to the whole experience of being gifted.

Wow, this whole thing felt like a rant--almost a lucid dream.  I guess that is how memories work, and how the mind works in general.  The reality is that this miraculous organ called the brain works as hard as it can to make connections.  We just hope that the connections it makes are to reality--that these connections can help us rediscover our past, and help us determine our future.  If not, it's been one heck of a dream...