Perspective and Sacrifice

This week has been terribly busy.  I traveled 849 miles to visit family in western New York.  On the road, I did a mental back-track, and realized I had not been back to New York in eight years. A lot changes in that much time--I was married and now divorced, graduated with two degrees, I accumulated two kidlets, and I have a different perspective on the world around me.

Every family has strange dynamics, or at least a crazy uncle hiding somewhere.  My family is incredibly fascinating, but we all have our quirks.  It's always interesting to sit back and observe at family events.  I can see genetic and learned likenesses, as well as some very drastic differences among close siblings.

I thought about perspective, and how a lot of our opinions about life come from our background knowledge on the subject.  This must be the obvious reason my father and I have a drastic difference in views on politics--he was born in a different era, and was one of six children that lived in poverty.  He worked to rise above his circumstance and create an extremely successful life.  I work hard to achieve my goals, and came from humble upbringing, but I am also one of two children that lived for the most part in the upper-middle class.  He is an engineer with an analytical mindset; I am a teacher with a very holistic and social perspective.  We see the world through two different lenses.  Thankfully we are well-adjusted enough to appreciate what the other has to say, so our discussions are usually productive and supportive.

I will say that through the interactions that I observed, there is a lot of love in a family that has struggled.  There is a lot of pain from a lot of different angles (again, that happens in most families).  Bad things happen in life, and people cope in different ways.  Some people make a productive comeback, and others curl up with their excuses.  For the most part, we don't worry about these interactions until we all come together.  It is at that point that I sat back, looked around, and saw who was thriving, and who was merely existing.

I am not up on a pedestal, and I don't claim to be healed from pain.  But I do realize that I hurt from many problems I caused myself, and know that I have to do something to fix my problems (or try better not to create pain).  I guess it's with that perspective that I can look at other people in the most objective fashion for being related to them.  I know what it's like to hurt, and what it's like to heal.  I have wept uncontrollably, and I have also had to suck it up and move on at times.

I will say that for these same people that all hurt from different wounds--there is a tremendous amount of sacrifice that happens.  It is almost as if everyone goes off to tend to their own pains, but come together to support (well, for the most part).  I will give you a fairly vivid example:

My grandfather is a hard man.  He lives with a rigid set of ideals, and honestly expects the world to conform to his opinions.  He has been married to my grandmother for 50 years, and between them they have had enough pain to create a Lifetime miniseries.  He detests Chinese food, because he believes domestic animals are the main meat source for all Chinese restaurants.  My grandmother has not been doing well, and we tried to perk her up by suggesting a gigantic family outing at the local restaurant.  My grandfather created a fuss, and at first refused to pay money to eat someone's pet.  We really believed he would put an end to this idea, and his firm grasp of control would eventually bend our food decision.

This seems like a trivial moment to mention sacrifice, but he did give in and accept we would be eating at a restaurant he couldn't stand.  Some people can sacrifice great things in their life, or even life itself.  For him, it was the risk of eating Fido.  That meant a lot, in a very twisted sort of way...

It did make me think about sacrifice, in all forms.  I know that Easter is tomorrow, and sacrificing food choice is not symbolic of some crucifixion, but I do think making sacrifices of some sort is therapeutic.  I think taking a moment (hopefully often) to step outside oneself and make a decision based on the welfare of another--that is where love happens.  And that is where real growth happens.

Which brings me to marriage... Yes, I went from eating dogs, to Jesus, to marriage... Go with me here...

Marriage is a blend of perspective and sacrifice.  We both come into the picture looking through two very different lenses.  We bring unique life experiences, ideas, tastes and opinions.  We hope that we have common hopes, goals, dreams, or at least respect the differences between us.  Over time, perspective changes, and we realize what is important and what is trivial.  That is when sacrifice becomes most important in a relationship--when we recognize that something is trivial, but we are willing to do it because it means the world to our partner.  Many marriages fail because relationships become very egocentric--we wonder what the other person can do to make us happy, content, successful, etc.  We don't stop to think what we could do to support, lift up, and help the other person achieve their dreams and goals.

I talked to someone yesterday about relationships, and he put it into great terminology.  He said he didn't want to simply share a house with someone.  He wanted to invest in his partner, and wanted the same in return.  Think about it: if you are looking at investing in a project or business, you will learn all about the idea. You will devote time and make sacrifices to make sure it succeeds (so you will reap the benefits). Relationships and marriage are both definitely investments, and ultimately sacrificing the idea of "me" for "we."

I do believe that people can come from drastically different worlds, but can appreciate their differences and learn to live together.  Not just in a marital sense, but in work, friendships, etc.  But it does take sacrifice, and it does take respecting differences.  Recognizing that you care for another person, and putting their welfare above your own for even a moment--it can do amazing things.

I have many great memories in my life, and many painful ones as well.  The wounds are deep, and will take plenty of time to heal.  I have all of the time in the world, and know this journey will not be complete overnight.  Luckily, through all of the grief I have endured, I have been given the ability to see life from different perspectives, and also to appreciate sacrifice.  I know I have made sacrifices, but I see clearly now that I have wonderful family and friends that have sacrificed greatly so I could succeed.  My success now has come from a joint effort over all of these years.  These words of love and support heal me more than anything I can do on my own.  And so, I move forward from here, traveling 849 miles to return home.  Coming home from this journey, I will hold dear to me the memories of my family, and how they have changed over all of these years.  

A lot has changed in eight years... There are new buildings in this old town.  There are family favorites that are closed down and up for sale.  In the past eight years, I have gained a life and lost one as well.  The world keeps changing, whether you actively participate or not.  I would love to take a moment to come up with an eloquent quote, but I am tired, and fairly content with what I have resolved  in my heart.  So we will leave it at that for now...

Tomorrow is another day.

Intensity of Emotion

I have to wonder what people want anymore...

People express that they want more excitement in life, and they want something new and novel to laugh and cry and scream at.  They want a wide range of emotions and want to create drama around them.

In the same breath, they take drugs galore to numb themselves because the emotions get to be too much.  Anxiety, depression, and the whole sensory experience itself is an overload, and our brains need a reboot.

I really can't address what I think is reasonable for the rest of the world, nor do I really have the energy to do so.  I know in my own experience, medication makes me numb to pretty much everything.  I know I have a very intense personality, and that can be a great asset.  It can also be a hindrance in some ways.  People either love or hate me, my interests wander all over the place, and it tends to scare many.  I am very interested in many things, and my mind races hundreds of miles an hour.  I like to keep busy and I talk with great intensity about all of my projects and experiences.  If you make it through a conversation with me lately, you will probably think to yourself that my latest hobby is a home laboratory of sorts...

I spoke with a good friend last night about relationships, and about how there are epic highs and miserable lows in any great love story worth telling.  We spoke for a long time about past wrongs, and it was a great conversation over all.  This morning, he thanked me for speaking with him.  I told him I didn't mind at all, and that there was nothing wrong with intensity of emotion.  I believe to be human and take anything from this experience on earth, we have to be able to reach the broad spectrum of emotions.  I can't say I am exactly proud, but I can say I reach the very ends of the spectrum on a regular basis (we haven't determined if this is a good or bad thing).

This made me wonder: what types of people tend to feel these intense emotions? I am sure that writers and other creative thinkers tend to feel emotions in more intense form.  I am curious what other professions tend to experience these emotions, or if it just tends to be personality types, education levels, intelligence levels, etc? Or am I just overthinking it all?

I will admit that I am an incredibly smart individual, but I sit on the ground and watch the clouds and/or stars on a regular basis.  I am moved to tears while driving when thinking of a phrase, song lyric, or piece of art.  I often hear a voice narrating in my head as I move about my day, and it gives a vocal commentary of the story of my life.  I know these things make me quirky, but they also make me incredibly cool.  I enjoy being passionate about teaching and writing and researching.  I love learning and exploring new things.  I love photography and capturing snapshots of history of the world around me.  This intensity is what makes me tick, and I love it.

I can say, without a doubt, that I felt the intensity grow tremendously in these last few months.  It has been a great adventure to try new things, make plans and set goals, and look out into the future.  I have experienced an incredible fear when looking at the world alone again, an incredible sense of contentment as I realized that I could be at peace with myself and who I have become, a strong sense of pride of all that I have accomplished in the face of incredible struggle, and and intense joy while trying new experiences to see what makes me tick, what I can learn, what I DON'T succeed at, and what makes me happy.

People Are Strange...

This seems like a random post at first, but it is really integral to the whole point of this project.  Through the past few weeks, I have had a lot of conversations with people I would have otherwise never talked to.  Most of the conversations were for the purpose of this project, and I am grateful for any wisdom or guidance I receive along my journey.

People are interesting.  In any organization or form, they are the weakest link. People have the capacity to be incredibly generous and compassionate.  They also have the ability to be manipulative and cruel.  I have always found motive to be interesting in anything individuals do.  I talk to my teenage students about this a lot, because they are in the heart of the battle-- teenagers are MEAN.

So, in this project, why have some people gone out of their way to be supportive and helpful? Why have others maintained skepticism, or made comments that attempted to undermine my intentions?  I always wonder about how much of it has to do with childhood, a healthy sense of self, or just the nature of personality.  I am convinced there are some people out there that genuinely want to be of service to others.  There are also people that have the very nature of raining on someone's parade... ANYONE they can find...

In the past few months, I made a very conscious effort to surround myself with good, positive people.  With friends that care and want to help me succeed.  With family members that rally for my cause, and do what they can to make sure I am content.  In turn, I have been able to give all of these things back to the people around me.  It's amazing how these relationships have made me much happier.  I feel more successful in all of my daily endeavors, and I am ENJOYING life.

I am learning how to take compliments.  I realize that I have always been bad at accepting compliments.  For one thing, I have always been confused when people compliment something that genetically I have no control over.  I have made the effort to recognize that people want to say good things about me, and to be gracious and accept these comments.  It is funny how now that I have been working on receiving compliments, they are coming in at great capacity.  Maybe I didn't realize how much people had said in the past, or I just wasn't around the right groups of people.

So the observation of people has obviously been an external one, as well as an introspective journey.  For me, I am learning to like myself a lot more, and giving myself permission to acknowledge the great things that people see.  I am also seeing very clearly which people are out to help me succeed in life, and which ones want to see me fail.  I am all about boundaries now, and I refuse to let the negative take over my life again.  I have too many good things going for me now! :-)

The Girl That Gave You a Story to Tell...

Today I woke up at about 4:20am, and I was REALLY sore...  I sat in bed and thought about how I used to be in pain all the time.  Every moment of every day.

And then I rolled over and got out of bed. :-)  I knew if I wanted so badly for change to occur, lying in bed wasn't going to make it better.

I went to work and decided to convert part of the day into a self-advocacy lesson.  The classes like hearing the updates on the training anyway, so I decided to bridge that talk into a full lesson.  It turned out to be a great motivation for them, and helped me as well.  I talked with a regular education high school class for a brief period about my project.  They were all ears, and were nodding as I told them the only person responsible for making me succeed was myself.  I am beginning to see that my daily success in this project is going to have a tremendous impact on myself and my family, but I also think it will carry over to the school. A few of the girls asked if they could work out, and were very interested in getting fit.

I redecorated my classroom door, so that all the students that passed by will get some daily motivation in all aspects of their life.  There are assorted quotes that I love, and I will add more as time goes on.  One of my favorites is on there:

I want to be the girl

that changed everything.

The girl that made a difference.

The girl that gave you a story to tell.

This was perfect for me, because I knew I always wanted to lady that grows old and has a collection of stories to tell.  But even more, deep down inside of me there was a part of me that wanted to inspire a story NOW.  And now is my time!

And I do realize that I promised an explanation of my goals and their significance tonight.  That will have to wait for tomorrow's update.  Today was an action-packed day of teaching and training, and my body has had all it can take.  The trainer has asked me today if I have brushed up on my Italian over the night.  I told him I was just going to find me an Italian man. ;-)

P.S. Today I DID train... Upper body weights, elliptical machine, and stair machine... Whew!!!