Ah, the significance...

Since it is raining outside, and I am on a "recovery day," today would be the perfect day to tell you about the significance of each of my goals.

Now, keep in mind that I did not sit down and put weeks of thought into these goals.  But also, anyone that knows me for more than a minute will know that everything I say and do means something (even the random things).  So, looking at this list is actually intriguing, because it shows where there are obvious gaps and room for healing in my life.

"Learn to play the drums" This is interesting because I was in band for several years, so I have a good concept of music.  I also play music CONSTANTLY (of all varieties), and there is always music on my mind.  I don't know how I had survived this many years without learning to play.  The idea for this task came about when I found a unit teaching math with drumming.  I attempted to even play some basic drumming beats, and found that my rhythm was severely off.  Anyone that knows me well would also know that I was born without rhythm. ;-)  This shall indeed be a challenge!

Learning Italian has always been an interest of mine.  I have always been fascinated with the country, the culture, and the language.  I think there is definitely a longing I have to travel to another country, or even to disappear for a while.  To be even swept up in another world.  For now, I will attempt to learn my phrases.

Catching a fish is something basic that I guess I just never got around to?  I guess it really is important to me because I have always lived life with one foot in the outdoors, and the other curled up with a book.  I have been whitewater canoeing and camping since I was a small child, and I am confused as to how I got this far in life without catching a fish?  My students are very concerned with this, and rest assured this task will be complete by spring. :-)

Designing a website was chosen to make me less scared of computers... Yes, you can laugh...  I use them often, and I will say I like what they have to offer, but there is nothing like the old school feeling of a book in your hands or a pen to paper.  I know I am too young to be saying all of this, and I need to get with it.  I also have a lot of practical needs for website design, and know I could use it for classroom projects and other things.  It is also just a good skill I can have, and something I can say I did. :-)

The karaoke in public goal was designed to get me up in front of a group of people.  It was not designed for public humiliation, though it may have turned out that way...  I did sing in front of about thirty middle and high school students for about six songs, which really took me from terrified to only halfway scared.  One kid is always a critic at school, but he told me at the end of my rendition of I Will Survive, "Ms. Winn, I can respect you now." Good stuff...

Reading the ten great works of literature is really just to get me reading good stuff again.  I do read all the time.  I mean ALL the time...  I read for fun, I read for work, I read a couple of hours out of every day.  I just wanted to push myself to read more of things that will have an impact on my life and on my teaching.  I met a guy and was talking to him about books.  I asked him what he liked to read, and he said "I'm actually taking a break from reading right now..."  Is that possible? And did he just say that to a TEACHER???

Traveling to another country and traveling first class are meant to get me back out in the world again, and to treat myself right.  I have always been a dreamer and a goal-setter, and it is time that I did what I could to make my dreams happen.  And I might as well go there in style, right? ;-)

Eating vegetarian for a month and enjoying it...  I was actually vegetarian for quite a while... I can't say I enjoyed it terribly much.  I didn't really have a love for vegetables until fairly recently, and I can say now that when I attempt this again, I will be trying tons of different foods and doing it right. :-)

We have already touched on the running goal, but it is good enough to be said again.  When someone spends periods not being able to walk, it is pretty awesome to be able to run!!  I will tell you that this training (even though it has only been four days) has been some of the hardest work I have done in my life.  I think this goal has been a project in itself!  I will go ahead and say that this goal will more than make my last goal of making all of my "physical" numbers better by my birthday.  The doctor has already been singing praises since I have lost weight, and it is only going to get better.  She is very aware of my workout requirements, and is working with me on managing my fibromyalgia during this training.  The interesting thing I have heard is the body actually responds better to intense training.  It's almost like it has overload, so it doesn't respond to the mini-stressors like it would in everyday life.

In reality, I think I am just too terribly sore from pushing my body... I don't notice the fibromyalgia anymore...

So, I know I have missed some of the goals, but I don't want to write a novel.  I will talk about the rest of them on my next day off from training.  Tomorrow I train with Jesse, and he will work me hard.  I will hopefully be able to walk to my car when I am done...  He's great in motivating and teaching me technique, but he also doesn't let me make excuses.  And that is exactly what I need right now.

Shells and Boundaries

I did go back to training today (day 4), and I survived! :-D  Today was spent on the lower body, along with some very brisk cardio at the end.  I will say that the combination between being very active and eating really well has made me feel really great.  I did take a look at what I have been eating over the past four days, and realized I have completely cut out processed junk.  I guess I knew it was going to happen because I was following a plan, but I didn't realize that I had survived the first few days of that.  In the past, when I had cut out sugars, processed junk, and cut back on caffeine, my body screamed for a few days.  Maybe it was too busy screaming in pain to notice. ;-)

I had a good conversation with someone after my training was over.  Conversations are interesting, because they can start in the most innocent and obscure places, and end up hitting the deepest points.  This person told me how he had been left repeatedly, mistreated and wronged through his life, and how he was making the decision not to carry the anger with him any longer.  This person did have a significant weight problem in the past.  It started me thinking about how we create "shells" when we are hurt.  We use food, alcohol, whatever as a crutch, and we try to shut the world out.  I know it's the mind and heart's way of coping, but it really only creates isolation... and a really big person.

I thought back to college, when I was running and I was very active and content with life.  I will go ahead and say now there was an event in my life that caused me to shut everything out, and create a physical and emotional shell.  For me, I wonder if it was more of making me look less appealing to people, or if it was the comfort of food.  Either way, I was not seeing things in a healthy perspective (obviously).  I see now that I was grieving.

I stand in front of the mirror now, and I have seen some incredible changes.  I also know my heart has endured some incredible changes and healing over these past months.  I now feel that I am able to communicate what I need and want, and am better able to give people what they need in return (in all aspects of life).  This sense of balance in life will hopefully carry me beyond this training and project, and into a healthy lifestyle.  I have many more productive years ahead of me, and I am ready to live them without my shell, thank you very much!