Looking on to more goals...

There are five days left until my birthday, and I will not finish my list.

What didn't I finish?

1. Finish a 10K.
2. Ride in a hot air balloon.
3. Raise $1,000 for charity.
4. Buy and drink a really expensive glass of wine.
5. Read 10 great works of literature (I did make it to seven- so 3 more!).

I received an overwhelming response of emails and conversations with friends that told me I should give myself an extension. I did have a couple of surgeries in there, and encounter a few strange setbacks that aren't typical for my life.

I really don't know what kind of timeline I can give myself for running the race, since I am not very certain what the outcome of the back surgery will be. I know I will need to take it easy post-surgery, so I will not be out there running. I won't be sitting like a bump on a log either, so I am sure I will be able to meet this goal by the end of the school year (even if "running" isn't very fast).

I am going to contact, recontact, and brainstorm on how to ride in a hot air balloon. Like I had said before, the company is out of business, so my gift certificate is not valid. I can't imagine how this could be allowed, and there has to be someone I will come in contact with that can make this happen. I will keep thinking on it.

I really want to raise the money for charity. We were planning a music event at the school, to raise money to bring creative after-school programs to my students in Moore County. I wanted to expand their minds and bring them hobbies and classes that will help them in the long run (like photography, a book club, intramural sports, etc).  I know if we can get to planning, we will be able to have the event planned for winter (January?).

I can read three more books in a matter of a few weeks, so that really shouldn't be a problem. I do start classes in January, so I am very certain I will be doing a lot of reading over the next four years!

And I am not really certain where I was going with the wine. I know I wanted to really understand wines and learn something about the higher end wines. I know if I bought an expensive bottle, I would not be thrilled about opening it. I guess this is something I was reserving for a special occasion, so perhaps New Years Even would be a good time for a bottle that's special?

I already had in my mind that I wanted to create another list. I am definitely finishing this list, but I know that I have more goals that I would like to achieve by other milestone birthdays (40 being the big one!). I would like to put some thought into another list, and maybe organize it so that I can complete a major goal each year for the next ten years? I would love to hear if anyone has ideas on a good goal. I am excited and ready to embrace 30, and I imagine I will be at a completely different point in my life by 40.

I had dinner with Jeremy last night, and we talked for hours. I told him about the purpose of the project, and how it was important for me to have goals when looking at a major life change. As you will remember, I created this list on the heels of a divorce being final. I was looking out into the world and seeing all of the opportunities that lie ahead. I feel this way now--I see that I am a strong and independent woman, and can do anything I set my mind to.  I also see that I can take care of myself, and am very self-reliant. 

But now, more than any other time in the past year, I realize that I don't want to live the rest of my life that way. I remember a few weeks ago, when I was traveling around Washington. I went to Wal-Mart to buy something, and I can remember thinking to myself that in fifteen years I would be able to take off and do whatever I chose. I would be able to live my life of independence, and I would finally be free.

Sitting on the couch last night, talking with a glass of wine in my hand, I realized I don't want to be alone. I like that I am capable of doing things alone, but I don't want that to be my life. I want to sit and talk with someone, and share my life. I want to have common goals, or to have the support for those dreams that are my own. I liked the idea of being free and being a drifter, but I realized I liked the idea of being part of a couple. I liked the idea of sharing my life and all of its stories with another person.

I remembered that book I had mentioned long ago, by Elizabeth Gilbert. She talked about the fact that she didn't want to be married. She didn't want to be tied to someone, and after divorce she thought that the whole idea was a joke. She was looking at a forced marriage to her love, and she was panicking. I remember reading toward the end of the book that her travels out on her own to Cambodia were not what she hoped, because while she was out there "finding herself," she was missing the idea of being with Felipe even more.

At the beginning of this journey, I understood her free spirit. I wanted what she had, and I was ready to take flight at the next opportunity. Now, I feel more like she does after her trip to Cambodia. I have a rich and exciting life now, even when it is just reporting to work most days. I want to share those experiences, and my hope and dreams of how my life will be with someone. I want to plan holidays and raise children and have a life. I feel like I've been ripped off in that department.

Maybe that will be one of my goals for the next project. 

Ick

It was never my intention to go this long without writing. I know that I don't have a long time before my project ends, and this is the last time to start slacking on my notes of the project.

In the past month, I have been visiting doctors. I have actually visited a few different specialists, trying to get an answer to my pain.  This intense pain has been going on for over three years, but it really peaked in the past two weeks.

One day at work, while I was standing up teaching, I burst into tears. The muscle in my leg had contracted so fiercely, I was barely able to breathe. The pain was shooting through my leg, and I felt unable to move. This is happening while taking muscle relaxers and pain medications.  I was not sure where to go from here, but I had to do something.  After my history of the wheelchair, braces and cane, I was NOT going back to using a device to help me walk. I am NOT giving up my independence without a fight.

The problem of pain meds is that I need to remain alert while teaching.  The goal is to find the medication that relieves the symptoms while allowing me to stay focused on my job.  This is hard when the spasms are so strong they are causing bruising.  

Leaving my job is not an option. I love teaching, and I also have to provide a home and a life for my children. I am their only source of support (besides the obvious "support" from my family and friends), and I cannot bend on my work because of discomfort.  Even on days when I am miserable and can barely move, off to work I must go.

I try to be mobile, and do as much as I can.  It actually helps to exercise (within reason), so I am working on exercising with my students.  I need to keep my body active but rested, and this is a fine line I teeter along.  Until a treatment comes along that will help me with the pain, I am forced to toss all the plates up in the air and try to juggle.

A treatment was recommended at my last visit with the physiatrist.  It was actually a treatment that was discussed years back, but I really didn't think about it since I didn't believe I was getting out of a wheelchair or returning back to work.  The treatment is a spinal cord stimulator, nor neuromodulator.  The device is implanted in my back, with electrodes planted along the nerves in my spinal cord.  The goal is to send out electrical signals that block the pain signals of my back and legs. Instead of feeling pain, I will feel a steady buzzing or humming feeling.  I remained skeptical, because all treatments before have been miserable.  I am either too doped up to function or screaming in pain.  There have rarely been days that I have a feeling in the middle.

So, now I get to decide if this is something I am ready to try.  I wake up throughout the night, screaming in pain.  I find myself limiting my activity because of the pain it might cause.  I can feel myself becoming prisoner again.  I think it's time for a change...

I have continued to work on the project, but have taken a bit of a mental break while I dealt with these issues.  I do have one bit of news to provide: To reach the goal of raising $1,000 for charity, we did decide to hold a big birthday bash and collect donations.  There is a local band I am talking with about playing a concert at the party. This could turn out to be quite a shindig that would raise money for increasing creative experiences for all students in Moore County (in light of the fact that art is gone...).

The Start of Another Year

I wanted to write a nice reflective piece about how the past year has been one of significant evolution. I wanted to write this eloquent piece on the anniversary of my moving back to Tullahoma, and talk about all of the events.

Then I ended up with a 103.8 fever, so I decided on Plan B...

This past week, I ended up with some sort of illness.  Over the years, I have really stopped trying to pinpoint exactly what I have each time (mostly because it will end up driving me mad). I don't know if I can remember being so miserable in my life (which really says a lot when you know about the level of daily pain I have).  I felt delirious from fever, everything in my body hurt at a level I had never felt, and I couldn't swallow. Even drinking small amounts of fluids caused me tremendous pain.

I continued to go to work, because I knew I needed to hear what was going on before school started.  I also knew I am a single parent, and can't afford to give up sick days unless absolutely necessary.  So, I minimized my risk at work, decided not to lick anyone for those days, and sat through meetings while I shivered.

Now that I made it through the week and am feeling somewhat normal, I can get back to my original intention.  I wanted to look back over this year...

I remember a little over a year ago: I packed up my necessary belongings, two children and a dog, and moved to Tullahoma.  The car overheated on the way, and I wondered if I was going to make it to my parents' house in one piece.  I was moving in about twelve hours before starting my new job, and took enough clothing and personal items to last us a few weeks.  We would be moving the remainder of the house two weeks later.  

Well, the two weeks turned into a month, and eventually we just wanted to get everything to Tullahoma.  It's hard to "start over" when everything happens in stuck stages.  What I mean is that the moment of me driving down the road toward Tullahoma- THAT should have been starting over.  But I knew I was in limbo until I had my belongings.  

Then fighting moving companies and packing up everything by hand (and with the help of incredible neighbors and family!).  I remember finally driving away from the old house and FINALLY realizing I never had to go back to that place... There were a lot of rough memories there, and it was a great feeling to let go.

A few months later, the divorce was final. Another pivotal moment when I walked out of the courthouse and realized that I was finally free.  I had done a lot on my own for quite some time.  But I was finally ON MY OWN.  Some people feel terrified after a divorce is final.  I felt liberated...

And it was after this time, I decided to put this project into full-force.  I had a list floating around in my head, but it took the divorce being over for me to realize my life was ultimately up to me now.  I had two children to care for, but I didn't have anyone to answer to.  I didn't have anyone to tell me that a place was "too far," or an idea was "too crazy," or we didn't "have time" to try something.  There were no more excuses.

And so I began this journey. It really had everything to do with me--what I wanted, what I needed, and what would heal my soul.  There was an awful lot of hurt that had been piling from years of events, and I needed time to sift.  This really had little to do with the divorce, and more to do with recovering from my injury.  I realized I didn't have time to deal with the injury because I was enduring a miserable existence at that time.  I believe the brain is an awesome tool, and it only lets you deal with little bits of information at a time.  If you had to deal with the reality all at once, you would most certainly go crazy.

I didn't have the advantage of having a fully-functioning brain.  

So, I had a flood.

And I felt like I went crazy.  Never in front of others, and it was never noticed.  I just felt like who I was slipped away and returned frequently.  I am not sure who was there, filling the void, during all the other times. I know my eyes looked vacant often, and I imagine those were the times my soul attempted a vacation.

I try to be optimistic and enthusiastic on here. I. try.

Let me say briefly: recovering from a brain injury can be maddening.  There are days three years later that I don't remember a connection I have with someone.  I wake up and don't remember that I love this person? I can stand next to someone, and have to question my exact feelings, because my mind has to remind me how I am supposed to feel. It isn't depression or any sort of mental flatness.  I can't remember who I am connected to and who I am not.

This doesn't happen often, so I hope people don't read that and think I am on the edge of doom here...

But it happens enough to make me very afraid.

And the other part that has been hard? The recovery of my muscles.  For every two months forward, it's one to three months back. I have been working and training, and then resting and moving again.  I wonder if my training did any good, since I ended up with two surgeries and one leg that will never be the same.  In fact, the surgeon is now referring me to a manager for the pain, because a resulting condition from the surgery has no cure.  As long as I have the condition, I will have the miserable agony.  And I will have the miserable condition forever.  Fan-freakin'-tastic...

I do have to pick myself up out of this hole now and focus on the positive of the year.  Any more of the miserable, and I could be stuck for quite a long time...

In the winter, I did meet a most fantastic man.  I will say I was skeptical of the idea of connecting with someone again.  I had an almost analytical approach to dating, and tried to sell myself on all of the reasons I didn't really even need to worry about finding someone.  The reality: penguins have it figured out. They find a mate, and stick with them.  It's better for their physical well-being, emotional security, and sanity.  Being a pair and having a bond with someone is incredibly important.  I get it now.

So, through these months, life has seemed to evolve for Tom and me. I have pushed through these goals, we have taken a lot of walks, had a lot of talks, and tried briefly to solve some of the world's problems.  I appreciate that he endures my enthusiasm for many topics, that he encourages my ideas, and is patient on the days I am feeling rough. I will say that last part was the major reason I really thought about not dating for a long time.  I know I was in pretty bad shape after the accident.  I know it will never be that bad again, but I also never want to be a burden like that for someone.  

I know that none of us can control what will happen in life.  If something happened to him, I would of course do what I needed to do to care for him, and not think much of it.  I guess it was a lot for me to expect someone to do the same.  I'm not sure why, and a therapist would probably have a field day with that revelation...

In a little over 100 days, I will turn 30.  That really doesn't seem like a lot once I write that number.  I still have quite a few projects to mark off the list before the big day.  It seems that life has changed drastically in the past year, and there are many more memories to make in the next hundred days. 

And as some sort of evil cosmic joke, I see a Twilight movie is being released on my birthday... So, there are people with tickers on their Facebook statuses, counting down the days to my birthday... with a wimpy vampire's face next to the number...

Happy birthday to me... :-P

Tomorrow's the Big Day!!!

Tomorrow I will catch a fish...

It's been forever since I have been on here, and I do apologize (to myself as well). It's not that I have taken a break from the project.  Really, it's just that I have taken a break from sitting in front of a computer and thinking of things to say for a little while.  I finished teaching an extended school year, took a few summer excursions, and took care of a couple of medical issues.  Now I am ready to get back to typing about this project, and the fact that there is only a little more than four months left...

So, tomorrow I catch the big one...

Or a tiny fish... It really doesn't matter.  The fact is, I have a fishing rod, I have learned how to cast my line, I have practiced in the back yard (the neighbors love watching me), and tomorrow I will try this LIVE.  AND I will have the camera there to document the process.  Because fishing shouldn't be calm and relaxing. It should be intense, well-planned, and documented...

For progress on the other projects, I will say there are two that will have their obligations met soon. Tom's birthday frog cake will be made in a couple of weeks for his birthday gathering (which was postponed from his original birthday), and we have a road trip scheduled when we fly to Seattle in October. So, there's a few more knocked off the list!!

In a few weeks I will be meeting with my seniors in the National Honor Society. I have a few ideas to raise money for charity, and I want to involve them in the process and teach them how to create change in their community. So, raising $1,000 should be fairly easy, and will occur before October.

More than anything, I really have to get to reading the books. I am a teacher, and I am having a hangup on reading? Probably because my stack grew incredibly large over the school year, and I have moved the exciting reads to the front of the line. So, I guess I will be reading the classics while on the exercise bike...

Just a couple more months before the big 3-0. It's crazy to think I am moving into the last leg of this project. It's also pretty crazy to think I could really pull this off. I know I have always been dedicated to my goals, but even I had to wonder if this was really going to happen. Guess I should have given my self a little more credit, eh?

Here's the list! It's getting smaller!

1. Learn to play the drums.
2. Read ten great works of literature.
3. Catch a fish. (tomorrow!)
4. Learn how to create a website.
5. Run a 10K. (due to leg issues, I am still figuring out how to work this. ideas?)
6. Learn how to decorate a cake. (July for Tom)
7. Learn 20 words in Italian.
8. Take a road trip. (while in Seattle in October)
9. Eat vegetarian for one month... and enjoy it! :-) (thinking the month of September)
10. Ride a hot air balloon. (October)
11. Fly across the country. (Seattle- October)
12. Raise $1,000 for a charity.
13. Karaoke... in public...
14. Buy and drink a REALLY expensive bottle of wine. (birthday?)
15. Get in much better physical shape- making my numbers look much better at my physical before 30.

It's Been a While...

I never thought I would get so out of the habit of writing...

The end of the school year is always busy, with paperwork and cleaning the classroom, exams and last-minute meetings.  I try to plan ahead every year, but I am always rushing around in the end.

Tomorrow is the last day of classes for the kids, and I am ready for a break!  I have been pushing hard this year, with a lot of new changes.  The divorce was final, I had a major move, a new job, and shuffling kids to school and activities.  I will consider this year to be incredibly successful- more than anything because I survived!  My activity level stayed high, and aside from the two surgeries I had a pretty healthy year (all things considered).

I am excited to have the summer to work on a lot of projects I let fall behind.  I also have a lot of work to do for my major project.  I will be reading my 10 books, I will catch my first fish, I will work on training for the race, and I will take my road trip.

Next week I am supposed to head to the mountains for a much-needed break.  I am more than excited at the prospect of reading, watching movies, and relaxing on the porch when I am not in the city meeting people.  I have been waiting for a break from this chaos, and the time will soon be mine. :-)

While thinking about planning this getaway, I thought about my patterns of photography.  I have gone through major changes in the frequency of pictures I have taken.  It seems I take more when I am having trouble with pain or with my memory.  It's almost like I feel like I have to capture memories so I don't forget later.

After my injury, I took a lot of photos.  I looked at them later, and couldn't really remember that I even took them.  It was helpful that I captured the memories, and I wondered if I had an urgency to capture the memories to look back on later.  I know I have had days like that over the past year.

I thought of taking my camera with me on this trip, and I know I ultimately will.  My immediate reaction was that I didn't need it, because I would remember this trip.  It's funny how I always capture very sensory memories of trips like these.  Any time I can find refuge somewhere, I always absorb the experience.  I will remember the scent of the cabin, the shine of the track lighting on me when I read a book late into the night, the sound of the birds in the woods in the early evening.  I am wishing, hoping, even praying that there will be rain so I can hear the rain on the tin roof.  And the feel of a warm bath in the old-fashioned clawfoot bathtub will be the perfect way to end an evening.

I may not remember little bits of memories throughout the past, but experiences like these will be ingrained in my memory forever.  I guess that is where my "focus" comes in- I am able to see, hear, and feel the world around me like many people miss.  I have to wonder if that's a better memory, or a more open lens when it comes to evaluating the experience.  I don't create the feelings later; I just realize what is happening around me more clearly.

I promise the next post will not take 11 days...

Progress Update

It's been a while since I have updated the progress of my list.  It's always in my mind, but I guess I get talking about other things.  My mind has never been able to section off areas, so it seems that all of these projects mingle together.

So far I have completed four items on the list, and have been reading some of my "great works of literature."

When I told my National Honor Society group that I have never caught a fish, they wanted to plan a fishing trip as one of their summer social activities. That would be quite a way to remember the task!

I am going to be meeting with my friend Becca to work on decorating the cake, so that project will be complete by May.

I have made tremendous progress in learning to play a variety of drum beats (though elementary). I have met my goal, but continue to practice. I want to get better, and it's FUN!!!

I need to call and book my reservation for the hot air balloon. A gift certificate has been reserved in my name. :-)

Road trip will be taking place at the end of May/beginning of June. I am not sure about my path yet, but it will be nice and free... Just the way a road trip needs to be! 

I need to figure out a way to learn to better create a website. I know there are manuals and such, but I am hoping to find someone that can give me some guidance. For all of my writing information, I'd like to have a central site. Besides, all of the fan mail is just getting jumbled right now... :-) There needs to be a clear process to address this...

I decided I am going to eat vegetarian in the summer, when produce is in abundance in the area, and I will have time to plan some exciting meals. 

I am working on how I am going to raise $1,000 for charity.  I'd like to come up with something creative and memorable, so I am going to keep thinking hard on this...

Fly first-class? I wish I had an airline hookup... I am taking a trip to Seattle probably this summer... I did think of amending the flying first-class to renting an awesome car for the road trip (thinking convertible). Same cost would be there, and I could benefit from having: a)dependable transportation on my trip, b) the opportunity to let the wind blow through my hair with my sunglasses on...

Then there's the running goal... If you read my post from earlier today, you will know that I am a bit down about it.  I am not sure what I will be able to do in the next seven months.  I wonder if I should downscale it to a 5K? Or keep the goal and agree to walk part of it?  I want to meet my goals and dreams, but I also don't want to cause myself any injury.  There has to be a balance, and I need to know some limits.  I sound so logical about this, but inside I am a real mess on this goal...

And the bottle of wine? That will be saved for the night of my birthday! Unless someone is dying to take me out for a drink before...

Here's the list, to remind everyone why I am even on here:

Michelle's 15 Before 30:

1. Learn to play the drums.
2. Read ten great works of literature.
3. Catch a fish.
4. Learn how to create a website.
5. Run a 10K.
6. Learn how to decorate a cake.
7. Learn 20 words in Italian.
8. Fly first-class.
9. Eat vegetarian for one month... and enjoy it! :-)
10. Ride a hot air balloon.
11. Take a road trip.
12. Raise $1,000 for a charity.
13. Karaoke... in public...
14. Buy and drink a REALLY expensive bottle of wine.
15. Get in much better physical shape- making my numbers look much better at my physical before 30.

Pain, Pain, Go Away...

First of all, I realize that a lot of my recent posts don't mention the ongoing project of 15 Before 30. I am going to create another post later tonight that will provide an update on the project.

Two weeks ago I had a leg surgery. It was a relatively simple procedure, and I was told I would be back to my old self in a couple of days.  This same procedure was supposed to be the start of a two-part surgery that would wrap up my 2.5 years of pain.  This was supposed to be it! I would be free!

For those of you that have known me for a while, you know I have lived with pain. Well, for some of you that know me, you still may have never heard about it. I was miserable, but I tried not to complain too much.  I remember visiting a specialist, and after him asking me the same question for the thousandth time: "Rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10." I screamed "14!!!!"

Pain can do terrible things to your body.  It makes you mentally miserable, it limits your daily activities, and it cuts you off from your social circles.  It's even worse when the wounds are healed, and the pain lingers.  There isn't a cast or a bandage for people to see.  They assume you made a miraculous comeback, and nothing can stop you!  Pain doesn't work that way for me.  I am fearful it will always be my companion.

When I started running, I knew a little trick.  With fibromyalgia and chronic pain, you can sometimes overwork your body, and it short circuits the pain response.  I really had that going for me for a few months, and I was feeling better than I had in years!  No medications or anything--just intense exercise and eating right.

Then the leg issues cropped up. Surgery #1, like I said, should have been a couple of days of recovery.  Two weeks later, I still have terrible pain in the leg.  I walked, I wrapped, I propped, I did everything they told me to do!  I have severe almost-painful numbness on my lower leg, and it feels like all the nerves have been fried. A blanket on top of my leg at night causes intense pain. Great...

Wednesday was surgery #2. It was supposed to be very similar to surgery #1, and the recovery time should have been short as well.  I knew better this time, and realized that the recovery might change from a few days to two weeks.  After a terribly painful procedure (I was only partially sedated), I was told it would be a six month recovery.

Six months.

Six months?!?

There were a lot of emotions that ran through me on Wednesday, as well as a lot of Valium.  I knew that some of the emotions were exaggerated from the medications, but others were real.  I had finally gotten my life and my body back together.  I survived the attack and recovery, I survived a divorce, relocation, and new job, and I had been doing well pushing myself physically.  Now, it was like a blow to the stomach.  Why don't they just chop off my leg now?

Ok, that was too dramatic.  But the reality was, I didn't know if I would ever get back to where I was, if I would ever heal and be the person I wanted to be, and if I would get to have the life I have been dreaming about and planning.

There was a lot of tears.

I realized that I have no control over some things that happen in my life, but I can choose how I react.  I am doing exactly what the doctor has told me, and will be taking it very easy.  This is going to be hard when I am used to speeding through life at 100 miles an hour.

I am going to reevaluate a few things.  There was a selfish response on Wednesday, and I'm not really proud that it was one of my first thoughts:

I thought about the recovery, and the unknown.  And I thought about relationships.  Who would sign up to deal with these damaged goods?  I was finally to the point where I could entertain the idea of a long-term relationship again.  Why would someone knowingly get involved with me when there was a lot going on.  And I feel it's only fair that people would know what they are getting into.  I am being dramatic again, but I feel like a leper of sorts.

So, this post isn't positive and upbeat.  We all have our rough times in life.  This has been my week.  Really, this has been a flashback of the past three years for me.  The three years I thought I could finally put behind me.

But there is something positive that has come of it.

Events like this do weed out the people that are not invested.  They tell me who wants to stick around, and who can't handle the trouble.  We've seen it in the past already.  So I will take this as an experience that will hopefully show me something new and different about myself, and even those around me.

I have contemplated adapting my 10K goal, but I don't want to change plans yet. It's like giving up. I am not ready for that yet...

And I have seven more months before my birthday. A lot can happen in seven months...

Applied Ethics and Pedometers

This might be the strangest post for me to write.  I guess it is strange because I am not comfortable going to bed without the answers to something.  Don't get me wrong--I have very little answers to anything in my own life.  In my job, I try to have some sense of direction and a clear plan (or at least try really hard to fake it).

What does this have to do with my "15 Before 30" project? Good question.  One of my goals is to run a 10K race.  Through this journey, I have begun training and running.  I talked with the Director of Coordinated School Health Programs, and ended up developing a school-wide Walk Across Tennessee program for the students.  We had overwhelming participation on opening day; so much so that we had to postpone kickoff a few days so that we could overnight some more pedometers.

There are students that have been following my "milestone crisis" project, and have been motivated to set goals.  In addition to the walking program, I sent out a feeler for a running group.  Our thought was that even if a few were interested, a cross country team might be formed.  Well, there are 48 students that are interested in running!!!  The only problem this presents is that I am only one person... and I don't even run terribly fast.  I do love running, and I love their enthusiasm. So, I will make do with whatever I can do to make them succeed.

Now, this is where the title comes in, and where my dilemma surfaces.  When designing this program, I knew that the basic pedometers leave a lot of room for cheating.  The reality is that they measure pretty slight movements, so anyone could sit and shake the pedometers, and end up with thousands of extra steps.  I am not saying I am Mother Teresa, but I do try to live to a pretty high moral standard.  When creating the rule sheet, I talked about integrity and morality, but tried to give the students some freedom and responsibility.

I was approached by a concerned student about two hours after the first wave of pedometers had been distributed.  He told me that he ran four miles during gym class, and was pretty proud of his accomplishments (as was I!).  He went on to tell me he had witnessed a few students that were sedentary, and were shaking their pedometers to register extra steps.  He vented his frustration that he was working hard to make himself healthier (and competing for prizes), and they were not playing by the rules.  He wanted to know what could be done to make them comply, other than public defamation, and perhaps stoning? Ok, I am kidding on the last part...

This brought up an interesting problem.  I didn't have the answer though. I knew what I would tell my own children- that there are people in this world that will always want to cheat.  I would ask them what they wanted to get out of the program- did they want to run faster? commit to reaching a goal? was that more important than who wins a prize? (You can tell I was never a person that responded to extrinsic motivators...)

I went home to think about what speech I would give, and what action I would take.  The revised kickoff will be Tuesday, and I have until then to come up with a plan.  I talked to my father, hoping to gain some wisdom.  He deals with organizations often, and always has a story to offer when dealing with business or large groups of people.

He told me how an employee at a very large company was made to wear a pedometer to make sure he was circulating the floor during the night shift.  The pedometer would be tracked every morning.  The employee did not keep with his end of the bargain, and instead of complying with his job description, he found out there was a machine on the floor that jiggled quite a bit.  He paid an employee that worked on said machine x-dollars to wear the pedometer, so that it would register plenty of steps.  Meanwhile, he could kick his feet up and read a magazine, or even take a nap, while his employees went unattended.

Long story short: the pedometer was left on too long, one morning it looked like the man walked 40 miles in a night, and he was fired.  So, I guess my public stoning sounded about right?

I started thinking about ethics, and if I could make this a truly teachable moment.  There aren't a lot of ethics classes in schools, and I wonder why that is.  It has nothing to do with religion--we are just teaching students to make decisions based on their values or reasoning.  I, personally, think it is one of the biggest lessons we could give to these kids.  I wondered how I would approach a lesson on ethics and make it interesting to the kids.  I didn't want to lock them into a room and rant to them, and I certainly didn't want to harass the ones that are already making the right decisions.  But I did want to make sure we were all on the same page, and give the opportunity for all of them to receive the same guidance.  I have learned in my years of teaching that we can't assume the parents have taught them values and reasoning.

What did I decide?  I did decide to give a modified applied ethics lesson.  I also decided to have a public contract displayed, where students can commit to doing the right thing, and signing their names outside my door.  I don't want to be a jaded person that constantly questions people's intentions.  I want kids to have some respect of  me, and I want to be able to trust them. I refuse to live in a world where I always have to plan for the bad guy.  At the same time, I have to realize that there are people that want to get rewards without doing the work, and it is my job as a teacher (and really as an adult) to guide them into making intelligent choices.  I do that by modeling appropriate behavior, and I can also do that by discussing important issues such as these.

This made me remember the one time I got in trouble in school. It was the third grade, and I was made to stay in from recess for 15 minutes because I was talking while the teacher was out of the room.  The real story: I DID talk, but I was telling the others to be quiet while the teacher was out (and I was trying to read). And when the teacher returned and asked who talked, I could not deny that I did it.  I just wish she didn't have to make an example out of me.

I do believe that part of this project was for me to run in a race--got it.  But I can see how it has evolved to quite a life-changing experience.  There are kids that are now dealing with important life issues, are getting healthier (by the hundreds!), and are inspiring change in their community.  How many people can say that about their to-do lists?

Just another metaphor...

I always like the end of the month.  For teachers, it is a pay day, but I have always liked these days.  It is funny that we watch all these television specials in December that talk about the year in review.  Does anyone ever review their months? Or for that matter, their weeks or days?

I have always been fascinated with calendars.  When my OCD was really bad, I remember having five different calendars and planners.  They all recorded the same information.  The actual information was irrelevant; it was more about the comfort of exerting some control on my surroundings.  

Right now, I only have one calendar.  It seems to be a necessity with the nature of my job.  I don't wear a watch either, which says a lot about how far I have come.  Still, at the end of every month I take a few moments to think about the successes and failures of the month.

This month was incredibly progressive.  I had a lot of adventures, tried new things, had some moments of deep thinking, and plenty of moments of laughter.  I was moved to tears a few times, and made some grandiose plans for the future.  I did a lot of dreaming this month, and a lot of reflecting on the past.

I know that no one wants to read a blog about someone that gushes about herself, but I have to give myself credit.  I look at the past 2.5 years, and am amazed at the development of my "self."  There were victories and defeats. I think I probably spent an awful lot on Kleenex....  In the end, I came out ahead.  I look at this time as tremendous growth.  I became closer to family, I developed some positive friendships, and I pushed myself to grow and engage the world around me.

I still have a long way to go, but I am getting there.  I have always considered myself a "work in progress."  Today I ran with Jesse, and we ended up heading to the top of a hill.  I think it was a fitting choice for the end of the month.  When we reached the "mount" (which is funny, because we were in town), I was able to survey the success of my journey.  I don't think you have to think too deeply to see the metaphor there..

Wow....

Well, today was a rough day at work. It was kind of a rough day for life in general.

Which always makes it hard to get to the gym...

Still got there twenty minutes early for my training session, but it was noticed that I wasn't my usual self.  Lack of sleep and a lot on one's mind will do that to a person.  I put that all aside for a pretty intense session.  I won't say I was about to die, but I think for a moment, I thought I might come close.  Then I saw a quick mental picture of me zipping off the treadmill, and the possibility of public humiliation kept me going. ;-)

What I did learn (besides the fact that I am no marathon runner) is that I am an incredibly strong and resilient creature.  I gave it everything I had, and then some, and came out still standing.  How many people can say that every day?

That started me thinking...  When was the last time you woke up in the morning and gave everything you had in everything you did for an entire day?  It's hard. We are humans, and we need breaks.  There are no superheros in the real world.  And, let's face it, we hate those people that pretend they are superhuman.

I am serious, though. When was the last time you gave everything you had for even an hour?  I mean every single fiber of your spirit...  until sweat and snot and yuckiness poured from you (and you started to vomit)... Ok, don't go that far...

This whole journey has just begun, but it has been an incredible ride.  I am having more fun and meeting more people in this short time than I had in years.  I am pushing myself to try new things for the sake of learning and fun, and I am learning so much about myself in the process.  I really am learning to love myself, which can be a hard thing to do.

You ask any person what they would change about themselves, and they can think of at least ten items without blinking an eye.  Ask them to name the things they like about themselves, and they looked at you as if you have just asked them to commit a crime. I have never been a person that likes to talk about myself, but for the sake of this project I will indulge.  It does feel good to recognize the good things in my life anyway.

So, here is a running list of the things I love about myself (in no particular order):

1. I have beautiful eyes.

2. I am compassionate.

3. I am funny.

4. I cook well.

5. I am willing to try new things.

6. I am smart.

7. I am a dedicated person, and stick to things when I put my mind to it.

 8. I am not afraid to get my hands dirty.

9. I have a decent balance of quirkiness and level-headedness.

10. I think a lot (and my thoughts have meaning).

11. I do things to help others, and to make their lives more enriched.

12. I am a good teacher.

13. I am a great mother.

14. I really do like my nose.

15. I have learned that despite my past, my legs are strong and work hard for me.

16. I have curves. I have learned to accept it, and even embrace it.

17. I speak to people with purpose, and try to inspire them to find meaning in their lives.

18. I am patient.

19. I know a lot of random information that usually comes up in trivia competitions.

20. I AM A STRONG, INTELLIGENT, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN that is creating wonderful  memories and embracing life...

The list could go on...

Have you started your own list? And have you told others what makes them great? We don't do this a lot, and it's unfortunate.  Some people are quick to criticize or belittle, but they are not as gracious with the compliments.  I would like to see a change to that.

Drumming to my own beat...

Well, today started drum lessons.  I will tell you I was incredibly intimidated as I sat down in front of the drum set.  It had been a long time since I have played any type of music, and playing drums is a lot different than most other instruments.

Still, it was INCREDIBLE!!!  I mean, in reality, I sucked... 

Ok, it wasn't that bad.  But I wasn't great.  But the best part?

I was OK with it!  I had fun and relaxed!  I can't tell you how great it felt to not worry about what the world thought, to admit I was not great at something, to relax, and to enjoy the journey.  After all, that is what learning is really supposed to be about.  That is really what LIFE is supposed to be about.

I am not living my life for anyone else.  And ultimately, my time is spent making awesome experiences for myself and those around me.  My goal is not to limit myself by stressing about what I can't do perfectly.  Instead, I want to experience everything I can get my hands on and just ENJOY life.  It's really too short anyway...

So, I have plenty of homework in drumming, training tomorrow, books to read, road trips to plan, cake decorating to begin, and Dad just got home from a trip.  He brought me a pair of new hiking shoes.  Guess he knows I am ready for an adventure. ;-)

Max Capacity

When was the last time you worked your body to the point of physical exhaustion?  I am not talking about "oh, I am tired." Or feeling a little sore...

I am talking COLLAPSING ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE I CAN'T WALK exhaustion...

I have been training hard, but never as hard as today.  It has been incredibly neat, because my body has been incredibly fickle over these years.  And there are really no guarantees over what will happen for me in the future.  The fact that I could have a workout like today was nothing short of a miracle.

The idea of panting and sweating and collapsing on the floor probably doesn't seem like fun to anyone else, but I celebrated! And I will be back tomorrow...

I am starting my drum lessons tomorrow, and will be booking my hot air balloon ride for April (when the trees are in bloom).  There are a lot of projects in the works. :-)

I Did Return...

I went to bed last night feeling fantastic...

I woke up this morning feeling a little bit sore. ;-)

In reality, the soreness hasn't fully hit yet.  I know it will be sometime tomorrow when I feel like I might die.  So, it was totally great that I went for a cardio workout today, right? :-)

I enjoy having some guidance from a trainer.  I also love that I found this internal motivation.  I don't know how to describe it--I feel a need to reach this athletic goal more than the other goals on the list.  Maybe it is because of the injury and wheelchair time--I want to show that my body can make a miraculous comeback?  Or maybe it is just that I have so much to do in this world, and I need to be fit to get it all done?

I don't know, but do I inspire myself. :-)

I talked to my students today about goals.  I gave them a nice speech about last night's training session, and how I was not allowed to have excuses.  There wasn't a need for them, because they weren't productive.  Any excuse I would spout out wasn't going to make me a better athlete.  Today, I didn't even think of an excuse when I started to get tired.  I knew it wouldn't do me any good--I still had to finish my workout!

So, beyond the obvious health benefits of this project, there have been tremendous emotional supports.  I took a good long look at my list earlier, and started to see how symbolic so many of those items were to me.  They each symbolized a different part of my life that I wanted to get back in order... No... NEEDED to get back in order, so that I could really be at peace and enjoy my existence on this earth.

But that's for another post...

Maybe tomorrow... after Round 2 of Death Camp... :-D

The Results Are In...

Ok, even though I have been active these past few months, I knew I was nowhere near "fit."  Anyone can see great changes in my body, but there is no question that I have not achieved fitness status.  So, I decided to suck it up and meet with a trainer.  I know I am not at peak physical shape-- that is why I have goals.  I also know I want to be better... No, I NEED to be better... So, I know I need some guidance.

I met with Tim at Harvey's Gym in Tullahoma.  He was an incredible motivating and nice man that took me through the basics of nutrition.  I agreed to feed my body the fuel it needs to train.  In exchange, I was told my body would do amazing things.  I could get used to this!

After the nutrition orientation, he took me into a fitness room for what I thought would be a "tour." Wrong... It was a one hour body weight plyometrics workout that made me want to scream. Talk about intense!  He was great, and pushed me when I didn't think I could go on...

Then I met Jesse, for what I thought would be a "talk about running."  Wrong... I was jump roping, hopping across the room, jogging, walking fast, and leaping through the dance room.  I will tell you it is an eye-opening experience when you are hopping in front of a room-length mirror for everyone to see.  I have lost a good amount of weight, but I still have a way to go...  It was also an incredibly liberating experience though.  Once you have been that vulnerable and still get cheers from anyone (especially yourself), and you know that you are doing this for yourself to make YOU faster and better, then it really doesn't matter anymore.  It isn't about trying to conceal and make people think you look better or thinner or anything else.  You ultimately have to own up to what you have in front of you and decide what  you want to do to make yourself better.

I learned an incredible amount of self-love at that moment.  I also wanted to beg Jesse to let me go home (or even sit down- he's a rough one!).  Seriously, I learned that I am a tough cookie, and I love myself incredibly for pushing my body to meet this challenge.  I am impressed that I took the steps to go tonight, that I lasted through 2.5 hours of misery, and that I still walked out with a smile on my face.

I am absolutely thrilled that I am at a point in my life that I can go to sleep and be so proud for all I have contributed today, and for how far I have come. I am a pretty awesome chick! :-D

Trainer: Friend or Foe?

I had been toying with the idea for a while. I always thought it was a little strange to have a personal trainer.  Well, not even just for me, but a trainer in general.  I do like to be social, but I really am an individualist.  I like to do things my way and on my own time.  I like running because I can leave with my shoes on and go wherever I please.  My feet and my mind move me, and I get to choose the path. 

So, on my way home from work, I decided to suck it up and stop in at the gym.  I really just wanted to talk to someone about the facilities, and get an idea of what was available for my journey.  The last good walk I took was terribly cold, and I know I will be more motivated if I were in a place that had more light and was a little warmer.

Gyms are interesting places.  I love people-watching, so this is going to be gold for me! As soon as I walked in, I was already noticing behaviors and picking up on what people were saying and the way they were acting. That really could be a whole other blog though... Back to my point...

I told the man in charge that I was interested because I also wanted to force myself to be social. He looked at me surprised, and told me in the past 30 minutes of talking to me that I might have been one of the most social people he had met.  This might be true, but I like to do things on my own. I don't force myself to interact with people as much as I should.  That might have to do with the fact that I deal with "noise" all day?  I am not sure.  I told him I would make great use of any guidance that could be given to me.

He told me that I could more than reach my goal in the time given.  He gave me tons of nutritional guidance, much of which is common sense and some basic science.  It still helps to hear it from another person!  He then told me who I would be working with as my trainer...

A man that works in the military. Yes! A drill sergeant!  I hear he is a very friendly and social guy, but will make me work. Perfect! :-)  I told them I don't work well with women.  It is nothing personal- just a little too cliquey and competitive (nothing personal, ladies!). 

So, tomorrow evening I shall decide if having a trainer is a good thing or a bad thing.  The good thing already is that I have prepared my breakfasts and lunches for the rest of the week so they are easy to grab.  Now I know I will be on track for training.  If I can handle the workouts, I should be good to go!

I will say, in terms of noticing a difference from working out, that I went to work today and had to take a training course in restraint. During that course and in my errand-running afterward, I did an amazing amount of movement, squatting, lifting, and reaching--all that was very effortless.  In the past it would have taken tremendous effort.  My body has already noticed incredible changes!

Running

I started running years ago. I ran some in high school, and ran a lot in college.  I really loved running, until that fateful morning... Yes, I was dancing in the shower (which I now realize was a bad idea)... And so, I fell out of the shower and shattered my left leg below the knee.

"Excuses are tools of incompetence that build bridges that lead to nowhere." Man, my middle school social studies teacher Mr. Davis would be proud...

So, I look back over the past few years, over the injury that happened a few years ago, my long-term stay in a wheelchair, my leg breaking eight years ago, and my upcoming leg surgery.  And I wonder "why am I still running?"

Why not?

I enjoy it. It's good exercise. I like pushing myself to see how far my body can go. I like the feeling of being outside and communing with nature. I like being dependent on myself to get somewhere. I like to appreciate this cool piece of technology that is my body.

Right now, I am more in a fast walking phase.  I did build up to some decent running until a few weeks ago. After a very strange and unfortunate incident with my son, I tore a bit of my left quad.  So, I've been walking.  My time is still looking good, and I should be able to resume running shortly.

I do remember a doctor had done some testing a while back (while I was in a wheelchair). She had told me the odds of walking unassisted were going to be very slim, due to the amount of neuropathy and muscle damage in my legs.  It has been quite a road of exercise, training, eating healthy, rest, and recovery, but I can't wait to send her the picture of me crossing that finish line! :-)

The Beginning...

The concept of this blog actually started months ago, but I pulled this post together tonight. I made my list in October, while I was in the FINAL steps of a divorce (that felt like it went on forever).  I had so many goals for my life, and was looking at turning 29. I had heard so many people talk about the things they wanted to do before they turned any milestone, and that got me thinking about what I wanted to do in life... And what I wanted to do before I turned 30...

First, a little about me... Some of you know me, and some of you will never meet me. I am obviously not 30 yet. I like reading all the time, I live with music in my head, and my running shoes are next to my bed. I teach special education during the day, and I dream of the places I could go at night.  In my spare time I love photography, and I write really bad haikus.  I love cooking, hiking, exploring, daydreaming, cloudwatching, and really at this point just existing. Life is good. :-)

Now, this is where the mission comes in. I have always had goals. I am a goal-oriented person by nature. I remember making a list of things to do before I turned 25, and I did almost all of them (except go to Russia), so I am fairly impressed with myself. I have a Masters degree, a good job, a great family, two kids, good friends, and a fair amount of free time to pursue what I like. This makes my project that much more exciting. :-)

My bachelors degree is in sociology, and I have a fair amount of social research courses between my bachelors and masters degrees. I wanted to pursue this project from a very analytical standpoint. I know some of you are already saying "lighten up and have some fun!" :-)  Now, you have to also understand that in my job my daily goal is task assessment. I write and assess the completion of goals for a living.  So, even though I am putting a rough draft of my goals up here tonight, I am sure to revise them in the upcoming days to make them concrete.  If they are vague, it will be hard to measure if I complete them. I don't do well with wiggle room.  If I can find a way to get around something, I will do it in a heartbeat! I have known myself my whole life, and I know that I will do all I can to try to skate by without fulfilling my part of the bargain. ;-)

So, here is the list of the 15 items I wrote in October.  I like the list because it is random, and it touches on many different areas of my life.  There are many areas that need improvement.  I also like it because I already did some of them (see? I already told you I would try to get by without doing work!):

Michelle's 15 Before 30:

1. Learn to play the drums.
2. Read ten great works of literature.
3. Catch a fish.
4. Learn how to create a website.
5. Run a 10K.
6. Learn how to decorate a cake.
7. Learn 20 words in Italian.
8. Fly first-class.
9. Eat vegetarian for one month... and enjoy it! :-)
10. Ride a hot air balloon.
11. Visit a new country.
12. Raise $1,000 for a charity.
13. Karaoke... in public...
14. Buy and drink a REALLY expensive bottle of wine.
15. Get in much better physical shape- making my numbers look much better at my physical before 30.

Now you can already see that some of these aren't really measurable. I will say that I like all of them, and they will remain on the list.  I have a friend that has committed to helping me with number 6 (thanks Becca!).

I have done Number 13 in December, but does karaokeing for a class of middle and high schoolers count? Wait... as I write this, I have already answered my question... of course that counted... that would have to be a group of the toughest critics out there... and they could all REMEMBER the performance!

I am working on Number 15 right now. I have so far lost 61 pounds, so I believe all of the numbers will be in my favor.  As the year progresses, I will be looking at an even better report from the doctor.  In a later post, I will touch on my past medical info that will give you a glimpse at what an awesome deal it will be for me to run a 10K again. :-)

I am absolutely thrilled to look at this journey for the next 10.5 months.  It has been a phenomenal 29 years so far, and the best is yet to come.  I have led a random life, full of stories and insight that few can attain in twice or three times the years.  I think this project will add some variety to my life, and will also give me back a little of the "social research" I had been missing when I sat in my undergrad classes long ago.  Along the way, this blog will serve as a diary to record my thoughts and progress.  It is neat to think that all of these things can and will be done in a short period of time. :-)

Happy New Year!