Monday, February 20, 2012

"We've got two lives-
             one we're given, and the other one we make..."
                                                                   ~Mary Chapin Carpenter

I was driving down the road today, and I came to the realization that it's been a long time since I have fought for anything.  For a while I was fighting with SOMEONE... For a while it felt like I was fighting for my LIFE...  I've even had times when there was an internal struggle with my SELF...  I guess for being a pretty non-confrontational person, I have done a lot of fighting in all these years.

Now, I feel like I am doing all these great things, but there isn't a battle.  Maybe because I am empowered and know I can achieve anything I please, or maybe I just don't feel like I have to fight anyone.  It's not that I lose sleep because I don't have a struggle- I just realize that there isn't a push to overcome something.  I guess it can be hard when the adversity isn't there?

I wonder what is different in my life.  I know I had a divorce.  I know I've recovered from illness.  I also know that I have a much healthier self-concept.  I am fairly certain that I haven't grown to be passive, but I wonder why I am not waking up and fighting to prove the world wrong.

Perhaps it is because I really don't put a lot of thought into what people think anymore.  I appreciate the thoughts and advice of friends, but I also don't lose sleep over a negative comment.  I went to the hair salon today, and ventured to "go blonde."  Well, I fought the compulsion to dye my hair purple, but the fact that I am a teacher is all that held me back.  The old me would have thought for quite a long time about the implications of minor hair change.  The current me says "GO FOR IT!"  In fact, it wasn't long ago that I didn't even have hair of my own--who cares what color my hair is? It's HAIR...

I do love the idea of the "shuffle" button on the iPod.  I was a fan of the mixtape, which for those of you young folk out there is quite a planned ordeal.  Hours and probably even days would be spent planning and taping songs in a specific order.  Usually, these tapes were made to impress chicks...

The "shuffle" button is beautiful, because it really churns up the music library.  There are songs that haven't received play in quite a while, and they just happen to pop up every now and then.  I am not a superstitious person, but I have to wonder why certain songs are played right when I need to hear them.

If you aren't familiar with Mary Chapin Carpenter, she's an incredibly good songwriter.  I also like the fact that when I sing along in the car, I can at least pretend to harmonize with those throaty vocals (I was not born with the voice of a songbird.).  Anyway, I was driving along and the song "The Hard Way" came into play.  I remember listening to the history of the song a while back: it was a song that was written about a relationship, but has become more of a song of social activism.  I remember hearing the lines "we've got two lives- one we're given, and the other one we make..."  That really made me stop. Well, not literally, since I was driving... It did make me wonder about this whole internal discussion I was having with myself.

I think that line was perfect--I have had two lives.  The first life was given to me, and all I could do was react to it.  I felt like I didn't have a choice in anything, and was constantly on defense.  This second life has all been what I have made it.  I have intentionally made the choices that will change my life, and perhaps that is why I have found more peace.  I mean, I am the same person in theory, but I will say that I feel like a completely different Michelle.

No comments:

Post a Comment