"We've got two lives-

             one we're given, and the other one we make..."

                                                                   ~Mary Chapin Carpenter

I was driving down the road today, and I came to the realization that it's been a long time since I have fought for anything.  For a while I was fighting with SOMEONE... For a while it felt like I was fighting for my LIFE...  I've even had times when there was an internal struggle with my SELF...  I guess for being a pretty non-confrontational person, I have done a lot of fighting in all these years.

Now, I feel like I am doing all these great things, but there isn't a battle.  Maybe because I am empowered and know I can achieve anything I please, or maybe I just don't feel like I have to fight anyone.  It's not that I lose sleep because I don't have a struggle- I just realize that there isn't a push to overcome something.  I guess it can be hard when the adversity isn't there?

I wonder what is different in my life.  I know I had a divorce.  I know I've recovered from illness.  I also know that I have a much healthier self-concept.  I am fairly certain that I haven't grown to be passive, but I wonder why I am not waking up and fighting to prove the world wrong.

Perhaps it is because I really don't put a lot of thought into what people think anymore.  I appreciate the thoughts and advice of friends, but I also don't lose sleep over a negative comment.  I went to the hair salon today, and ventured to "go blonde."  Well, I fought the compulsion to dye my hair purple, but the fact that I am a teacher is all that held me back.  The old me would have thought for quite a long time about the implications of minor hair change.  The current me says "GO FOR IT!"  In fact, it wasn't long ago that I didn't even have hair of my own--who cares what color my hair is? It's HAIR...

I do love the idea of the "shuffle" button on the iPod.  I was a fan of the mixtape, which for those of you young folk out there is quite a planned ordeal.  Hours and probably even days would be spent planning and taping songs in a specific order.  Usually, these tapes were made to impress chicks...

The "shuffle" button is beautiful, because it really churns up the music library.  There are songs that haven't received play in quite a while, and they just happen to pop up every now and then.  I am not a superstitious person, but I have to wonder why certain songs are played right when I need to hear them.

If you aren't familiar with Mary Chapin Carpenter, she's an incredibly good songwriter.  I also like the fact that when I sing along in the car, I can at least pretend to harmonize with those throaty vocals (I was not born with the voice of a songbird.).  Anyway, I was driving along and the song "The Hard Way" came into play.  I remember listening to the history of the song a while back: it was a song that was written about a relationship, but has become more of a song of social activism.  I remember hearing the lines "we've got two lives- one we're given, and the other one we make..."  That really made me stop. Well, not literally, since I was driving... It did make me wonder about this whole internal discussion I was having with myself.

I think that line was perfect--I have had two lives.  The first life was given to me, and all I could do was react to it.  I felt like I didn't have a choice in anything, and was constantly on defense.  This second life has all been what I have made it.  I have intentionally made the choices that will change my life, and perhaps that is why I have found more peace.  I mean, I am the same person in theory, but I will say that I feel like a completely different Michelle.

On Valentine's Day

I know I need to get back to normal posts about my project, but I thought I would write one more about my life.  In reality, my life is a big part of the project.  This journey is one of transformation, so all aspects of my being must be considered... Man, I have been sitting in academic/clinical conferences all day. :-)

Today I went to Nashville to attend the Traumatic Brain Injury conference.  Yes, that is the most romantic activity possible for a Valentine's Day...  I was a little skeptical about what I might encounter at this event, but I will say that it was an incredible day.  I talked with some very important people in the world of neuropsychology, rehabilitative medicine, and education.  I spoke with agencies that offered services, and with people that had been survivors of traumatic brain injuries.

I guess I was a little apprehensive about the whole ordeal because I hadn't really talked much about the effects of my brain injury.  I went back to work and have pushed on like everything was normal.  It was strange that today was the day I was able to confront it all--on the stereotypical day of sappiness, love, and shallow ooey-gooeyness.  I couldn't have asked for a more supportive environment.

I talked with a pediatric nurse about her experiences from a clinical setting.  I wanted to hear others' experiences before I spoke.  It was fascinating to hear how many people work in a setting that provides care to those with TBIs, and they themselves were survivors as well.  I was touched at how many people came to this event to learn more about such a devastating injury.

When I finally did tell my story, I remember feeling guilty.  There were actually a wide range of emotions: I felt angry that I had waited so long to really talk about this, frustrated when I figured out how many times the medical community had failed me, sad that this experience even happened, and then foolish when I looked around and saw I was one of the very few that made it through a decent recovery with very little visible effects.  I guess that is when I did get angry again, because it is frustrating to not have a scar or wound for people to see that I am still struggling at times.

Ok, that sounds childish...  But it made sense to a man I spoke with--he is in a wheelchair.  He coordinates services for independent living, and told me he has a friend that has a TBI.  I talked pretty openly with him about my experience, and how I feel it is hard to be out of a wheelchair and off a cane at times, because everyone looks at me and thinks I am 100% back to normal.  I know I can do my job and handle life, but there are still effects of the injury. And they are FRUSTRATING.  I am miserable at times when I can't remember silly things, my organization is out of whack, and I say the strangest things.  I guess I am trying to figure out who I am again, and being on tons of seizure and pain meds can confuse a body.  The hardest part is that everyone looks at me, sees how incredibly great I look after surviving all that mess, and tells me how lucky I am.  Lucky?  Yes, I am terribly fortunate that I am no longer in a wheelchair.  I am even fortunate that I no longer use a foot brace or a cane.  And it is amazing that I can even run!  But it is a challenge to deal with the organizational and memory issues, and to keep this "secret" from the rest of the world.  As you can imagine, the frustration causes mood swings.

Tears pooled in my eyes as I told him all of this.  I didn't know this man, but I was about to gush my life story-- ready or not.  He nodded as he listened, then reached out and hugged me.  It was a hug I had needed for a LONG time, and it was well overdue.

On a funny note, I had a random conversation with another agency coordinator.  It went like this:

Him: "You look like someone familiar."

Me: "Did I work with you at some time?"

Him: "No... Let me think..."

Me: "Did I go to school with you?"

Him: "No... still thinking..... I got it! Snow White!!"

Me: "You just might be the coolest man on this earth."

So, I agreed to eat lunch with him, in a somewhat-random series of events.  Because I guess that is how things work at a brain injury conference...

At the end of the event, I realized that this conference was incredibly helpful to me in my profession.  It also healed a part of me that I didn't realize was hurting.  I have been working on loving and accepting myself as I am, but I haven't really dealt with that period in my life.  I guess it is because I feel guilty with even feeling bad about it, because I am lucky and came out from it relatively unscathed.

Now I see that there was a lot about the whole brain injury ordeal that I didn't know.  There was a lot that apparently the doctors didn't know.  That helped me tremendously because I was able to forgive many people that made mistakes in the whole situation.  A whole lot of healing went on in that room.

"The more I know, the less I understand..."

I was in an absolutely wonderful mood on the way home tonight.  I had dinner with excellent company, and was able to relax a bit.  So, it was not typical for me to cue up my favorite breakup song, especially on Valentine's Day...

I have always loved Don Henley's Heart of the Matter, and many that know me will say that my one pet peeve in life is the radio mix of the song (it is a miserable butchering of a nearly-perfect piece of music).  I happened to listen to the song from the perspective of life--not just from a breakup.  I wonder how many people have actually sat down and thought about the song, not just as a sad breakup and "feelings" song, and more about one where we are evaluating life, forgiving, and learning to pick up the pieces, grow up and move on.

There is a lot of forgiveness that needs to take place in everyone's lives.  And the more we find out about things, the less we understand.  This is very true in the whole situation--in every situation. All the things I thought I'd figured out, I had to learn again.

Drumming to my own beat...

Well, today started drum lessons.  I will tell you I was incredibly intimidated as I sat down in front of the drum set.  It had been a long time since I have played any type of music, and playing drums is a lot different than most other instruments.

Still, it was INCREDIBLE!!!  I mean, in reality, I sucked... 

Ok, it wasn't that bad.  But I wasn't great.  But the best part?

I was OK with it!  I had fun and relaxed!  I can't tell you how great it felt to not worry about what the world thought, to admit I was not great at something, to relax, and to enjoy the journey.  After all, that is what learning is really supposed to be about.  That is really what LIFE is supposed to be about.

I am not living my life for anyone else.  And ultimately, my time is spent making awesome experiences for myself and those around me.  My goal is not to limit myself by stressing about what I can't do perfectly.  Instead, I want to experience everything I can get my hands on and just ENJOY life.  It's really too short anyway...

So, I have plenty of homework in drumming, training tomorrow, books to read, road trips to plan, cake decorating to begin, and Dad just got home from a trip.  He brought me a pair of new hiking shoes.  Guess he knows I am ready for an adventure. ;-)

Music Lessons

"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music." ~Aldous Huxley

I grew up with music playing in the background of my life.  My parents were young when I was born, and what is now "classic rock" was constantly playing in our home.  I always enjoyed that there was music in the house, and that there wasn't a specific genre that we had to choose. As we grew up, we covered all of the major types of music. I will even admit that we listened to country, and I attended a few country concerts in my day.

My family has a fair amount of musical talent.  My father played percussion in the high school band.  I believe it was because he could carry the bass drum...  My mother played flute, and was very talented.  I chose the flute and piccolo in school, and my brother played the saxophone.  We have always enjoyed playing and listening, and we do have a pretty mean family competition of Rock Band. :-)

I always feel like there is a soundtrack running in my head.  Throughout my day, I can pair different songs with what I am experiencing at the moment.  It can be an awesome ability, or it can be time-consuming.  I have often become distracted thinking about what song would fit with what I am feeling, like my life is some sort of movie.  I don't think the rest of the world really cares what song it would be.  I think that I think too much sometimes...

I knew that one of my goals would be to approach some sort of musical skill.  I didn't really want to make a goal out of attending a concert or something, because the truth is in recent past I have attended a very fair share of concerts: Bob Seger, Bruce Springsteen, Tom Petty, Journey, Foreigner, BB King, U2, and the list goes on...

But I haven't touched a musical instrument in a LONG time.  And I have always wanted to learn to play the drums.  Drummers fascinated me. Don Henley had some impressive skills, Phil Collins was always rocking, and when I was at the U2 concert, I kept my eyes on Larry Mullen the whole time.  There's a certain power behind the drums, and I find it captivating.  Now, I will attempt to learn the method.

Music has always played a big part in my life.  I am grateful for the opportunity to attempt this portion of the project, and for the kindness of a friend, Mandy Contreras, who will be teaching me basic drum method. I will definitely post a picture next week!