Looking on to more goals...

There are five days left until my birthday, and I will not finish my list.

What didn't I finish?

1. Finish a 10K.
2. Ride in a hot air balloon.
3. Raise $1,000 for charity.
4. Buy and drink a really expensive glass of wine.
5. Read 10 great works of literature (I did make it to seven- so 3 more!).

I received an overwhelming response of emails and conversations with friends that told me I should give myself an extension. I did have a couple of surgeries in there, and encounter a few strange setbacks that aren't typical for my life.

I really don't know what kind of timeline I can give myself for running the race, since I am not very certain what the outcome of the back surgery will be. I know I will need to take it easy post-surgery, so I will not be out there running. I won't be sitting like a bump on a log either, so I am sure I will be able to meet this goal by the end of the school year (even if "running" isn't very fast).

I am going to contact, recontact, and brainstorm on how to ride in a hot air balloon. Like I had said before, the company is out of business, so my gift certificate is not valid. I can't imagine how this could be allowed, and there has to be someone I will come in contact with that can make this happen. I will keep thinking on it.

I really want to raise the money for charity. We were planning a music event at the school, to raise money to bring creative after-school programs to my students in Moore County. I wanted to expand their minds and bring them hobbies and classes that will help them in the long run (like photography, a book club, intramural sports, etc).  I know if we can get to planning, we will be able to have the event planned for winter (January?).

I can read three more books in a matter of a few weeks, so that really shouldn't be a problem. I do start classes in January, so I am very certain I will be doing a lot of reading over the next four years!

And I am not really certain where I was going with the wine. I know I wanted to really understand wines and learn something about the higher end wines. I know if I bought an expensive bottle, I would not be thrilled about opening it. I guess this is something I was reserving for a special occasion, so perhaps New Years Even would be a good time for a bottle that's special?

I already had in my mind that I wanted to create another list. I am definitely finishing this list, but I know that I have more goals that I would like to achieve by other milestone birthdays (40 being the big one!). I would like to put some thought into another list, and maybe organize it so that I can complete a major goal each year for the next ten years? I would love to hear if anyone has ideas on a good goal. I am excited and ready to embrace 30, and I imagine I will be at a completely different point in my life by 40.

I had dinner with Jeremy last night, and we talked for hours. I told him about the purpose of the project, and how it was important for me to have goals when looking at a major life change. As you will remember, I created this list on the heels of a divorce being final. I was looking out into the world and seeing all of the opportunities that lie ahead. I feel this way now--I see that I am a strong and independent woman, and can do anything I set my mind to.  I also see that I can take care of myself, and am very self-reliant. 

But now, more than any other time in the past year, I realize that I don't want to live the rest of my life that way. I remember a few weeks ago, when I was traveling around Washington. I went to Wal-Mart to buy something, and I can remember thinking to myself that in fifteen years I would be able to take off and do whatever I chose. I would be able to live my life of independence, and I would finally be free.

Sitting on the couch last night, talking with a glass of wine in my hand, I realized I don't want to be alone. I like that I am capable of doing things alone, but I don't want that to be my life. I want to sit and talk with someone, and share my life. I want to have common goals, or to have the support for those dreams that are my own. I liked the idea of being free and being a drifter, but I realized I liked the idea of being part of a couple. I liked the idea of sharing my life and all of its stories with another person.

I remembered that book I had mentioned long ago, by Elizabeth Gilbert. She talked about the fact that she didn't want to be married. She didn't want to be tied to someone, and after divorce she thought that the whole idea was a joke. She was looking at a forced marriage to her love, and she was panicking. I remember reading toward the end of the book that her travels out on her own to Cambodia were not what she hoped, because while she was out there "finding herself," she was missing the idea of being with Felipe even more.

At the beginning of this journey, I understood her free spirit. I wanted what she had, and I was ready to take flight at the next opportunity. Now, I feel more like she does after her trip to Cambodia. I have a rich and exciting life now, even when it is just reporting to work most days. I want to share those experiences, and my hope and dreams of how my life will be with someone. I want to plan holidays and raise children and have a life. I feel like I've been ripped off in that department.

Maybe that will be one of my goals for the next project. 

So, there's this guy...

I think I have been pretty guarded on what I share on this site, because I really don't know a lot of the people I interact with through my posts.  I also had to wonder if anyone really cares about all the drama of my life.  In retrospect, there's probably a Lifetime miniseries in my past, but now's not really the time to rehash past mishaps...

So, there's this guy... I know some of you are reading this and going "hey! I knew she would find someone!"  There's probably at least one of you that is genuinely surprised that something great has happened so quickly (which really hasn't been quick at all).  Since I didn't publicly announce all of my issues over the past few years, I have even run into people that ask about my marriage, and I feel weird when I have to tell them I am divorced, have been for quite some time, and have someone new in my life.

But I will say this: I am HAPPY. I was talking about this today--I am at a GOOD point in my life, and I absolutely love being loved, supported, cherished.  And I love being able to show that in return.

What does this have to do with my goals?

Well, if you look back on the list of goals, you will see that there was nothing about relationships on the list.  I figured when I was happy with myself, and was making steps in the right direction, then love would find me.  I was right--it just took time for me to focus on the necessary self-development.  The rest would eventually fall into place.

So, this guy happens to be very supportive of my list of goals.  He did gulp when he realized he did indeed have to take me fishing so I could catch my fish. He is eager to work with me, and to give me TIME.  At this point in my life, I identified that I needed stability, mental exercise, support, and kindness.  I am happy to say that I have found all of these things in Tom. He's steady, fun, a great confidante, and pushes me to reach my goals (and dreams).

So, today he took me to secure a fishing license... Then to purchase fishing "supplies." I honestly knew nothing about fishing, and didn't even know what to call the parts.  I had a great time watching him scan through the aisles to find the parts for his mental plan.  I am very excited about the idea of trying something new, and I am glad I have him there to help me learn!

I am not a gushy person by nature.  By that, I mean that I don't really get warm and fuzzy at Valentine's Day, I don't remember anniversaries of trivial things, and I will only turn on Lifetime to catch a rerun of a sitcom.  I am emotional, and enjoy being able to feel things.  Without being too gushy, I am enjoying being able to feel love.  It's a good thing.

I was talking to him the other day, and we were discussing when it was that we first met. I couldn't remember when it even was (see, not too girly)...

He said he remembered when we met.  I came into his store to drop off discs for a repair.  He said that he was poorly dressed and I blushed when I saw him.

That reminded me of a famous quote:

"When I saw you I fell in love

and you smiled because you knew"

Some things just happen.  Life has a way of working out, and a lot of times for the better.  While I was busy focusing on these projects, my life was healing, and I was ready to find what makes me happy. 

And someone has a birthday coming up quickly... He wants a frog cake, and that just happens to be a project I need to complete. :-D

Will I Go There Again?

I have finally had a chance to sit back and read over the past few days.  I took books with me on my road trip, but every time I sat down to read I fell asleep. :-)

I have been reading Committed, by Elizabeth Gilbert.  If any of you recognize that name, it was probably from her well-known work Eat, Pray, Love. I read the latter during my divorce, and instantly felt a connection in her approach of the whole thing.  She had a bad divorce, and she dealt with it by discovering who she was, seeking balance, and learning about life outside herself.  In divorce, it's easy to draw in, and to see that everything outside yourself is meaningless.  You can choose to embrace the reality, or you can hold tight inside yourself and wait for life to reconcile without you.  I liked that the book was real, and she didn't hold back in describing her struggles (and joys!).

Onto the new book...  I picked up the book mostly because once I like the writing of an author, I give the next book a fair read.  I didn't realize until I sat down to read it that it was a book that talked about marriage.  In fact, it talked about her disdain for the institution for marriage.  I won't ruin the actual book for those of you that might want to read it, but I will say that she spent a year researching marriage, all while facing the reality that she HAD to marry her boyfriend in order for them to be together.

Taken from Committed:

"Marriage becomes hard work once you have poured the entirety of your life's expectations for happiness into the hands of one mere person.  Keeping that going is hard work.  A recent survey of young American women found that what women are seeking these days in a husband--more than anything else--is a man who will "inspire" them... young women of the same age, back in the 1920s, were more likely to choose a partner based on qualities such as "decency" or "honesty," or his ability to provide for a family."

Am I just too much of a realist now? I can see how putting my entire hopes and dreams in the hands of another person can be a fatal mistake.  I have already been there and done that.  I look that this research now, and I can definitely see how it makes more sense to find someone with which I can build a foundation.  Love grows after time of mutual respect, support, and loyalty through fulfilling necessary roles.

I am starting to sound more and more like a man...

I think there is something to the fact that many people have been married for 50+ years, and they started their courtship based on the fact that they would make a good fit, and they were committed.  It had little to do with the fact that she was his muse, or that he made her feel sparks after each kiss.  They were invested in the life they had together, and they worked to make sure things got done.  Enough said.

Now, marriage seems to be on a whim. It's very much a heart decision, and not so much a head one.  No matter what "group" you belong to in this country, you marry for love.  I am not saying that someone should marry a person she detests.  I am simply saying that the intense romantic love that most feel in the beginning fades over time, and comfort and contentment can fill its place.  Or, you can wake up next to a person that refuses to get a job, drains the bank account, and disappears for days on end.  Then you are trapped...

I am not sure where I stand on Gilbert's view of marriage.  I can understand that being burned by a bad marriage and divorce can leave one scarred, and begin to question the purpose of forming such official union again.  I mean, if people are committed to each other, what does the title mean anyway?

I guess the main reason I would probably get married again is the fact that I refuse to let someone  in my life ruin any future relationships.  It just seems like that is letting the ex-husband continue to control future encounters, and I am not down with that.  I remember about eight years ago when I was excited at the idea of spending my life with someone and being "married."  I would like to face that same experience again in the future.

This may seem like a random rant, but it is really a lot of thoughts that have reconciled over the past year.  It does take time and distance to offer perspective.  It takes other people telling their stories, and it also takes seeing that people have moved on.  And I have moved on as well.

I'm in a good place right now.  I know Gilbert had commented on the fact she had a good life, and didn't feel the need to change things.  Change happens multiple times in one day, but I do know this: I will never give another person the responsibility for "making me happy" or "inspiring" me.  I have to be at a good place in my life before I can let good things happen to me.  My friend Robin put it best in an e-mail to me: 

"You deserve joy like no other. I'm glad also that you aren't seeking out someone else to GIVE you joy.  No, you've looked around and found that inwardly.  You were just looking for someone to SHARE this joy with."

Yes, she is indeed an awesome friend. :-)  I am a lucky, lucky woman... in every aspect of my life.

"We've got two lives-

             one we're given, and the other one we make..."

                                                                   ~Mary Chapin Carpenter

I was driving down the road today, and I came to the realization that it's been a long time since I have fought for anything.  For a while I was fighting with SOMEONE... For a while it felt like I was fighting for my LIFE...  I've even had times when there was an internal struggle with my SELF...  I guess for being a pretty non-confrontational person, I have done a lot of fighting in all these years.

Now, I feel like I am doing all these great things, but there isn't a battle.  Maybe because I am empowered and know I can achieve anything I please, or maybe I just don't feel like I have to fight anyone.  It's not that I lose sleep because I don't have a struggle- I just realize that there isn't a push to overcome something.  I guess it can be hard when the adversity isn't there?

I wonder what is different in my life.  I know I had a divorce.  I know I've recovered from illness.  I also know that I have a much healthier self-concept.  I am fairly certain that I haven't grown to be passive, but I wonder why I am not waking up and fighting to prove the world wrong.

Perhaps it is because I really don't put a lot of thought into what people think anymore.  I appreciate the thoughts and advice of friends, but I also don't lose sleep over a negative comment.  I went to the hair salon today, and ventured to "go blonde."  Well, I fought the compulsion to dye my hair purple, but the fact that I am a teacher is all that held me back.  The old me would have thought for quite a long time about the implications of minor hair change.  The current me says "GO FOR IT!"  In fact, it wasn't long ago that I didn't even have hair of my own--who cares what color my hair is? It's HAIR...

I do love the idea of the "shuffle" button on the iPod.  I was a fan of the mixtape, which for those of you young folk out there is quite a planned ordeal.  Hours and probably even days would be spent planning and taping songs in a specific order.  Usually, these tapes were made to impress chicks...

The "shuffle" button is beautiful, because it really churns up the music library.  There are songs that haven't received play in quite a while, and they just happen to pop up every now and then.  I am not a superstitious person, but I have to wonder why certain songs are played right when I need to hear them.

If you aren't familiar with Mary Chapin Carpenter, she's an incredibly good songwriter.  I also like the fact that when I sing along in the car, I can at least pretend to harmonize with those throaty vocals (I was not born with the voice of a songbird.).  Anyway, I was driving along and the song "The Hard Way" came into play.  I remember listening to the history of the song a while back: it was a song that was written about a relationship, but has become more of a song of social activism.  I remember hearing the lines "we've got two lives- one we're given, and the other one we make..."  That really made me stop. Well, not literally, since I was driving... It did make me wonder about this whole internal discussion I was having with myself.

I think that line was perfect--I have had two lives.  The first life was given to me, and all I could do was react to it.  I felt like I didn't have a choice in anything, and was constantly on defense.  This second life has all been what I have made it.  I have intentionally made the choices that will change my life, and perhaps that is why I have found more peace.  I mean, I am the same person in theory, but I will say that I feel like a completely different Michelle.

Just another metaphor...

I always like the end of the month.  For teachers, it is a pay day, but I have always liked these days.  It is funny that we watch all these television specials in December that talk about the year in review.  Does anyone ever review their months? Or for that matter, their weeks or days?

I have always been fascinated with calendars.  When my OCD was really bad, I remember having five different calendars and planners.  They all recorded the same information.  The actual information was irrelevant; it was more about the comfort of exerting some control on my surroundings.  

Right now, I only have one calendar.  It seems to be a necessity with the nature of my job.  I don't wear a watch either, which says a lot about how far I have come.  Still, at the end of every month I take a few moments to think about the successes and failures of the month.

This month was incredibly progressive.  I had a lot of adventures, tried new things, had some moments of deep thinking, and plenty of moments of laughter.  I was moved to tears a few times, and made some grandiose plans for the future.  I did a lot of dreaming this month, and a lot of reflecting on the past.

I know that no one wants to read a blog about someone that gushes about herself, but I have to give myself credit.  I look at the past 2.5 years, and am amazed at the development of my "self."  There were victories and defeats. I think I probably spent an awful lot on Kleenex....  In the end, I came out ahead.  I look at this time as tremendous growth.  I became closer to family, I developed some positive friendships, and I pushed myself to grow and engage the world around me.

I still have a long way to go, but I am getting there.  I have always considered myself a "work in progress."  Today I ran with Jesse, and we ended up heading to the top of a hill.  I think it was a fitting choice for the end of the month.  When we reached the "mount" (which is funny, because we were in town), I was able to survey the success of my journey.  I don't think you have to think too deeply to see the metaphor there..

The New Year

I woke up at 6am on New Year's Day. I was NOT a party animal last night...

I am excited to continue my work on this project. Today's goals are to select the first book to start reading, and to secure a tutorial for Italian.

When I wrote that I wanted to read 10 great works of literature, I really threw that out there. I didn't write that I would be rereading, or that I have to read new books.  I read a lot, and have read many books.  The truth is that there are many books I have yet to read.  For the sake of broadening my horizons and clarifying my goal, I will now say that I have to read 10 new books. Now, I guess 10 "great works" is not a measurable goal (I will drive you crazy by the end of this!), but I will do my best to consult library websites and my own personal list of books I have always wanted to read.  By the end of the day today, I will report back with my list of what I will be reading over the next 10.5 months.

Italian.  My goal is to learn 20 words. In reality, I would love to learn the language.  I know that is not possible in this time period.  If I were given a longer period, I would love to take an actual class, so that I could learn the language and be surrounded with other people that are interested in the language and culture of Italy. For now, I will look online and check out the library in the next few days. :-)

And now a word about the dreaded D-word... Divorce. For those of you that knew me while I was married, and while I was going through the divorce, I sincerely apologize.  I maintain that I was drugged during that period. I don't want to get nasty with details, but I will say that the past eight years borrowed part of my soul that I only recently regained. I am so happy to have my whole being back. I am happy to be smiling when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed at night. I love having dreams and goals, and I love pushing myself to make things happen.  If any of you knew me during my marriage, you probably saw that I was missing a spark in my eye and a pep in my step.  All I can say is I am glad to be back!!! :-)

The Beginning...

The concept of this blog actually started months ago, but I pulled this post together tonight. I made my list in October, while I was in the FINAL steps of a divorce (that felt like it went on forever).  I had so many goals for my life, and was looking at turning 29. I had heard so many people talk about the things they wanted to do before they turned any milestone, and that got me thinking about what I wanted to do in life... And what I wanted to do before I turned 30...

First, a little about me... Some of you know me, and some of you will never meet me. I am obviously not 30 yet. I like reading all the time, I live with music in my head, and my running shoes are next to my bed. I teach special education during the day, and I dream of the places I could go at night.  In my spare time I love photography, and I write really bad haikus.  I love cooking, hiking, exploring, daydreaming, cloudwatching, and really at this point just existing. Life is good. :-)

Now, this is where the mission comes in. I have always had goals. I am a goal-oriented person by nature. I remember making a list of things to do before I turned 25, and I did almost all of them (except go to Russia), so I am fairly impressed with myself. I have a Masters degree, a good job, a great family, two kids, good friends, and a fair amount of free time to pursue what I like. This makes my project that much more exciting. :-)

My bachelors degree is in sociology, and I have a fair amount of social research courses between my bachelors and masters degrees. I wanted to pursue this project from a very analytical standpoint. I know some of you are already saying "lighten up and have some fun!" :-)  Now, you have to also understand that in my job my daily goal is task assessment. I write and assess the completion of goals for a living.  So, even though I am putting a rough draft of my goals up here tonight, I am sure to revise them in the upcoming days to make them concrete.  If they are vague, it will be hard to measure if I complete them. I don't do well with wiggle room.  If I can find a way to get around something, I will do it in a heartbeat! I have known myself my whole life, and I know that I will do all I can to try to skate by without fulfilling my part of the bargain. ;-)

So, here is the list of the 15 items I wrote in October.  I like the list because it is random, and it touches on many different areas of my life.  There are many areas that need improvement.  I also like it because I already did some of them (see? I already told you I would try to get by without doing work!):

Michelle's 15 Before 30:

1. Learn to play the drums.
2. Read ten great works of literature.
3. Catch a fish.
4. Learn how to create a website.
5. Run a 10K.
6. Learn how to decorate a cake.
7. Learn 20 words in Italian.
8. Fly first-class.
9. Eat vegetarian for one month... and enjoy it! :-)
10. Ride a hot air balloon.
11. Visit a new country.
12. Raise $1,000 for a charity.
13. Karaoke... in public...
14. Buy and drink a REALLY expensive bottle of wine.
15. Get in much better physical shape- making my numbers look much better at my physical before 30.

Now you can already see that some of these aren't really measurable. I will say that I like all of them, and they will remain on the list.  I have a friend that has committed to helping me with number 6 (thanks Becca!).

I have done Number 13 in December, but does karaokeing for a class of middle and high schoolers count? Wait... as I write this, I have already answered my question... of course that counted... that would have to be a group of the toughest critics out there... and they could all REMEMBER the performance!

I am working on Number 15 right now. I have so far lost 61 pounds, so I believe all of the numbers will be in my favor.  As the year progresses, I will be looking at an even better report from the doctor.  In a later post, I will touch on my past medical info that will give you a glimpse at what an awesome deal it will be for me to run a 10K again. :-)

I am absolutely thrilled to look at this journey for the next 10.5 months.  It has been a phenomenal 29 years so far, and the best is yet to come.  I have led a random life, full of stories and insight that few can attain in twice or three times the years.  I think this project will add some variety to my life, and will also give me back a little of the "social research" I had been missing when I sat in my undergrad classes long ago.  Along the way, this blog will serve as a diary to record my thoughts and progress.  It is neat to think that all of these things can and will be done in a short period of time. :-)

Happy New Year!