I've been thinking a lot over this past week... This often gets me into trouble...
Some say idle hands are the devil's playground--I feel the same with my mind. If I let it wander, it's hard to rope me back into reality.
I have thought a lot about what the doctor said to me during our interview--about all of the information he threw at me. The reality is that it took days for me to digest our conversation. A sixteen-hour car ride seems like the best place to think of such things.
I concluded that I will indeed be a producer--of ideas, of motivation, of goodwill. I am working on my writing projects, and I absolutely love working with photography and talking with people. These projects have given me a new passion for life. I am quite alright "selling tickets," and I believe there are many people that would like to jump on board and join me for the show.
This realization made me think a lot about the second part- "not meet criteria." I was to sell tickets, and not meet criteria. The logician in me thought it was absurd, because there is criteria for everything these days. The reality is that I have never done well when I have to bend to the whims of others. I perform best when I march to my own beat. I am one of the few that pushes herself ahead. I am terribly intrinsically motivated, and any external rewards almost shut me down. They insult me. They tear down my spirit.
I wonder if all writers feel that way. Or all producers.
I thought about a quote of Emerson's. Man, if I could pick one person that I had to quote for the rest of my life, it would be him. He saw the world through the same focus as me--we were kindred spirits, separated by many years.
"Every man I meet is in some way my superior." ~Emerson
This has always made me think about ego; how so many people aren't willing to see that interactions add value to their lives. There is always something I can gain from every interaction I have. It may not always be a positive experience, but at least I have learned something. That was the greatest lesson my father taught me, and Emerson just stated it more eloquently.
I remember my father telling me long ago that there will be people in life that will give you great lessons. There will be people in life that will say things with which you don't agree. The key is to listen (not just hear, but listen!), because you can take something away from every interaction with people. Even if it is how NOT to do something, you will learn something from those around you.
I believe that people can be wonderful, compassionate people. They can always be egotistical, self-centered and believe they are the masters of their field. Everyone has something to learn--some of us are better at admitting it. In time, I believe everyone will realize they have room to grow, and even blossom.
I know I don't have all the answers. I know I have made more mistakes in my life than I care to mention. The reality is that I only made mistakes because I got out there and tried! I lived, I took risks, and I failed. It's life. My ego isn't bruised because of it--I learn, I suck it up, develop who I am, and I move on. This makes me a better writer, a better teacher, a better leader, and a better mother. I feel I am more empathetic because I have been there, but I am also wise enough to know that there are people that know more than me. There are so many that have gone before me, and are many steps ahead of me. And everyone has something to give me along my journey...
I am not becoming some crazy radical, but I am growing tired of meeting the criteria. This world constantly has "conditions" to maintain order. Look around us-is there really order? Because I am not seeing it! I feel that I can be the most productive when I put my mind to work (instead of idling), and produce SOMETHING. I like to think, I like to explore the world around me, and I like to talk to people. I love to take these adventures, put them together, and write about them. This is where I will be selling my tickets. Nothing crazy--just being who I am.