Lost in Thought...

I've been thinking a lot over this past week... This often gets me into trouble...

Some say idle hands are the devil's playground--I feel the same with my mind.  If I let it wander, it's hard to rope me back into reality.

I have thought a lot about what the doctor said to me during our interview--about all of the information he threw at me.  The reality is that it took days for me to digest our conversation.  A sixteen-hour car ride seems like the best place to think of such things.

I concluded that I will indeed be a producer--of ideas, of motivation, of goodwill.  I am working on my writing projects, and I absolutely love working with photography and talking with people.  These projects have given me a new passion for life.  I am quite alright "selling tickets," and I believe there are many people that would like to jump on board and join me for the show.

This realization made me think a lot about the second part- "not meet criteria." I was to sell tickets, and not meet criteria.  The logician in me thought it was absurd, because there is criteria for everything these days.  The reality is that I have never done well when I have to bend to the whims of others.  I perform best when I march to my own beat.  I am one of the few that pushes herself ahead.  I am terribly intrinsically motivated, and any external rewards almost shut me down. They insult me.  They tear down my spirit.

I wonder if all writers feel that way.  Or all producers.

I thought about a quote of Emerson's.  Man, if I could pick one person that I had to quote for the rest of my life, it would be him.  He saw the world through the same focus as me--we were kindred spirits, separated by many years.

"Every man I meet is in some way my superior."  ~Emerson

This has always made me think about ego; how so many people aren't willing to see that interactions add value to their lives.  There is always something I can gain from every interaction I have.  It may not always be a positive experience, but at least I have learned something.  That was the greatest lesson my father taught me, and Emerson just stated it more eloquently.

I remember my father telling me long ago that there will be people in life that will give you great lessons.  There will be people in life that will say things with which you don't agree.  The key is to listen (not just hear, but listen!), because you can take something away from every interaction with people.  Even if it is how NOT to do something, you will learn something from those around you.

I believe that people can be wonderful, compassionate people.  They can always be egotistical, self-centered and believe they are the masters of their field.  Everyone has something to learn--some of us are better at admitting it.  In time, I believe everyone will realize they have room to grow, and even blossom.

I know I don't have all the answers.  I know I have made more mistakes in my life than I care to mention.  The reality is that I only made mistakes because I got out there and tried!  I lived, I took risks, and I failed.  It's life.  My ego isn't bruised because of it--I learn, I suck it up, develop who I am, and I move on.  This makes me a better writer, a better teacher, a better leader, and a better mother.  I feel I am more empathetic because I have been there, but I am also wise enough to know that there are people that know more than me.  There are so many that have gone before me, and are many steps ahead of me.  And everyone has something to give me along my journey...

I am not becoming some crazy radical, but I am growing tired of meeting the criteria.  This world constantly has "conditions" to maintain order.  Look around us-is there really order? Because I am not seeing it!  I feel that I can be the most productive when I put my mind to work (instead of idling), and produce SOMETHING.  I like to think, I like to explore the world around me, and I like to talk to people.  I love to take these adventures, put them together, and write about them.  This is where I will be selling my tickets.  Nothing crazy--just being who I am.

Along this journey of twenty-nine years (and counting), I have set a course for who I want to be.  I know that there are so many around me that will contribute along this journey.  Some have already come into my lives, and some I have yet to meet.  I received an e-mail that I will be receiving a list of more contacts for the book.  Something about this e-mail tells me there has been a course SET for me, and it isn't my plan.  Right now, I am just along for the ride.

Intensity of Emotion

I have to wonder what people want anymore...

People express that they want more excitement in life, and they want something new and novel to laugh and cry and scream at.  They want a wide range of emotions and want to create drama around them.

In the same breath, they take drugs galore to numb themselves because the emotions get to be too much.  Anxiety, depression, and the whole sensory experience itself is an overload, and our brains need a reboot.

I really can't address what I think is reasonable for the rest of the world, nor do I really have the energy to do so.  I know in my own experience, medication makes me numb to pretty much everything.  I know I have a very intense personality, and that can be a great asset.  It can also be a hindrance in some ways.  People either love or hate me, my interests wander all over the place, and it tends to scare many.  I am very interested in many things, and my mind races hundreds of miles an hour.  I like to keep busy and I talk with great intensity about all of my projects and experiences.  If you make it through a conversation with me lately, you will probably think to yourself that my latest hobby is a home laboratory of sorts...

I spoke with a good friend last night about relationships, and about how there are epic highs and miserable lows in any great love story worth telling.  We spoke for a long time about past wrongs, and it was a great conversation over all.  This morning, he thanked me for speaking with him.  I told him I didn't mind at all, and that there was nothing wrong with intensity of emotion.  I believe to be human and take anything from this experience on earth, we have to be able to reach the broad spectrum of emotions.  I can't say I am exactly proud, but I can say I reach the very ends of the spectrum on a regular basis (we haven't determined if this is a good or bad thing).

This made me wonder: what types of people tend to feel these intense emotions? I am sure that writers and other creative thinkers tend to feel emotions in more intense form.  I am curious what other professions tend to experience these emotions, or if it just tends to be personality types, education levels, intelligence levels, etc? Or am I just overthinking it all?

I will admit that I am an incredibly smart individual, but I sit on the ground and watch the clouds and/or stars on a regular basis.  I am moved to tears while driving when thinking of a phrase, song lyric, or piece of art.  I often hear a voice narrating in my head as I move about my day, and it gives a vocal commentary of the story of my life.  I know these things make me quirky, but they also make me incredibly cool.  I enjoy being passionate about teaching and writing and researching.  I love learning and exploring new things.  I love photography and capturing snapshots of history of the world around me.  This intensity is what makes me tick, and I love it.

I can say, without a doubt, that I felt the intensity grow tremendously in these last few months.  It has been a great adventure to try new things, make plans and set goals, and look out into the future.  I have experienced an incredible fear when looking at the world alone again, an incredible sense of contentment as I realized that I could be at peace with myself and who I have become, a strong sense of pride of all that I have accomplished in the face of incredible struggle, and and intense joy while trying new experiences to see what makes me tick, what I can learn, what I DON'T succeed at, and what makes me happy.