It's Been a While...

I never thought I would get so out of the habit of writing...

The end of the school year is always busy, with paperwork and cleaning the classroom, exams and last-minute meetings.  I try to plan ahead every year, but I am always rushing around in the end.

Tomorrow is the last day of classes for the kids, and I am ready for a break!  I have been pushing hard this year, with a lot of new changes.  The divorce was final, I had a major move, a new job, and shuffling kids to school and activities.  I will consider this year to be incredibly successful- more than anything because I survived!  My activity level stayed high, and aside from the two surgeries I had a pretty healthy year (all things considered).

I am excited to have the summer to work on a lot of projects I let fall behind.  I also have a lot of work to do for my major project.  I will be reading my 10 books, I will catch my first fish, I will work on training for the race, and I will take my road trip.

Next week I am supposed to head to the mountains for a much-needed break.  I am more than excited at the prospect of reading, watching movies, and relaxing on the porch when I am not in the city meeting people.  I have been waiting for a break from this chaos, and the time will soon be mine. :-)

While thinking about planning this getaway, I thought about my patterns of photography.  I have gone through major changes in the frequency of pictures I have taken.  It seems I take more when I am having trouble with pain or with my memory.  It's almost like I feel like I have to capture memories so I don't forget later.

After my injury, I took a lot of photos.  I looked at them later, and couldn't really remember that I even took them.  It was helpful that I captured the memories, and I wondered if I had an urgency to capture the memories to look back on later.  I know I have had days like that over the past year.

I thought of taking my camera with me on this trip, and I know I ultimately will.  My immediate reaction was that I didn't need it, because I would remember this trip.  It's funny how I always capture very sensory memories of trips like these.  Any time I can find refuge somewhere, I always absorb the experience.  I will remember the scent of the cabin, the shine of the track lighting on me when I read a book late into the night, the sound of the birds in the woods in the early evening.  I am wishing, hoping, even praying that there will be rain so I can hear the rain on the tin roof.  And the feel of a warm bath in the old-fashioned clawfoot bathtub will be the perfect way to end an evening.

I may not remember little bits of memories throughout the past, but experiences like these will be ingrained in my memory forever.  I guess that is where my "focus" comes in- I am able to see, hear, and feel the world around me like many people miss.  I have to wonder if that's a better memory, or a more open lens when it comes to evaluating the experience.  I don't create the feelings later; I just realize what is happening around me more clearly.

I promise the next post will not take 11 days...

It's Time for Some Change...

I have always been wanting to cause a movement.  I like to watch people and observe how the interact with each other.  I guess that's why I enjoyed my undergrad education in Sociology.  I saw that there were clear problems in the world, and I wanted to study them and try to find a solution.

Really, there is a long list of things to change.  One would become exhausted quite easily if she sat down and listed everything that could be changed in the world.  I know that change needs to first happen on a small scale. And if I want something done, I need to start it myself.

Today was a most fantastic day in my career of teaching, but it really started a few days ago.  Every school has a couple of students that are seen as "trouble."  They clearly stand out for their repeat performances of mayhem and time spent in the office.  These kids are ostracized by others and loathed by authority.  It's not because they are bad kids--it because they create a hiccup in the norm.  They are a nuisance, and they keep others from learning.

This isn't always the kids that clearly seek out trouble.  Sometimes it is the ones with intense apathy.  They are only in school to breathe the free oxygen, and it seems that they move through the halls in a zombie-like trance.  There is not really a direction to their actions, and this causes the entire group to slow.  Again, an annoyance for teachers and other authority figures.

I went home and thought about this, wondering why these kids were causing so many problems.  I wondered what was causing the apathy.  I am a goal-oriented person by nature, so the idea of meandering through life is foreign to me.  I look around the town that I teach, and I see that it is an absolutely charming environment.  It is also quiet and calm, and not really conducive to motivation.  There aren't a lot of people hanging around, ready to give these kids the kick they need.  Teachers are exhausted after teaching, planning and bowing to procedures.  Dealing with discipline and apathy is just another headache.

I thought about leadership and group dynamics.  I thought about each of the students, and decided to watch them for a few days.  I noticed very clear personality traits that would be very beneficial to a group, and would even help a group thrive.  I knew I would eventually tell these students about my observations, but not yet.

This whole project came to a head a few days ago, when one of my morning students pointed out something interesting.  She said, "I noticed there are a lot of problems going on with __________."  I asked her what she meant, and what she thought about the whole ordeal.  This student looked at me and said, "she lacks purpose. She doesn't have clear goals. She's bored to death, and that's why she doesn't care. And THAT'S why she gets in trouble."

Perhaps she was paying attention to me more than I thought...

So, I decided this morning that it was time for my plan to unfold.  I singled out each student on my list and met with them.  I told them about my plan to create an after-school program to motivate kids, to set goals, and  to teach them skills that they will be able to carry back into school, and into their interactions with the community.

I will never forget talking to the first student.  I walked through the cafeteria during breakfast, and saw him sitting alone, eating his breakfast.  I came over and sat beside him.  He looked startled, which may have been because I was not his teacher.  It also may have been because he had noticed me watching him for the past few weeks, and now I was right beside him.

"Uh... do you need something?"

Me: "Yes. I need help on a project."

"Uh... why are you talking to me? You are not my teacher."

Me: "I know that. May I speak with you later today?"

"..... uh.... yeah..."

And that was the beginning of a memory that will be forever etched in my brain...

Later, I took him out of ISS to sit in the grass and talk to me.  Actually, I sat in the middle of the grass while he stood on the sidewalk and stared at me.  He looked around, and seemed pretty uncomfortable about the whole ordeal.  I asked him if he minded talking to me, and he said it wasn't a problem.  I understand it is scary for a feisty educator to pluck you from in-school suspension so you can go sit in the grass with her and talk about a "project."  I am grateful he even gave me the time of day.

I asked him what his goals were.  He looked at me strange, and told me he didn't really have any.  I asked him what he liked to do when he had time, and his face brightened.  He told me he liked cars and computers.  He went on to tell me that he has a number of computers at home that he works on, and would love to learn how to build computers and even program them.  He began to inch over to my patch of grass.

I told him that I had indeed been watching him.  I noticed that he is a dedicated follower, and is very loyal to his group.  I told him that I noticed he is enthusiastic, and is able to make other followers obey the leader.  I also pointed out that in most scenarios this ends up in trouble.

I asked him if he was bored.

He just nodded and stared at me.

I wondered aloud if he had activities that would interest him, if maybe that would make him less likely to follow a group that caused trouble.  I told him there were high school seniors that were trying to start a program.  I told him that he had skills I could see beneficial in the planning of such a program.  I asked him to think about joining me and helping the team.  I told him he could take the weekend to think it over.

He squatted down in front of me and looked up at me.

"I already know. I'm in."

I hopped up and yelled "FANTASTIC!"

This happened with four other students I pulled from classes or in the hallway.  I took each student out individually to tell them what I had noticed, what very specific traits they had to offer the program, and what I could see as a change for the school and community.  I told them that their behavior until now has clearly taken the wrong turn, but those same characteristics can be used to achieve great things.  I tried not to be preachy.  I tried to be realistic.  And I was honest--I really did see these kids as having the capability to make great change and provide leadership to their peers.

I remember reading the quote about the fact that there are people that build things, and people that tear things down; the task was deciding which side you are on.  These kids can either be the destroyers or the builders.  Anyone really has that capability.

So now, I am sitting here wondering how I am going to take this enthusiastic outburst and keep it moving.  I want momentum.  I want positive social change.  And I believe wholeheartedly that these kids have the power to achieve any goal they can dream.  I definitely believe they can change the learning and social climate of the school.

Until now, my task on this blog has been solely to report on my project of things to do before I turn 30.  I want to take this post to take a stand and make a change.

What can you do to help?  Read the post.  Send the post to other people to read. Comment, email, or mail words of encouragement.  This is an incredible group of students that are going to beat some amazing odds.  They need your support and thoughts.  I need your help as well.  I believe there are people all over the world that think a small town with only two schools in the county can make an incredible change.

Do me a favor: repost or retweet this post.  Get it into the hands of readers that wouldn't normally come across something like this.  I want schools and communities to hear about a group of middle school students that were brave enough to make a choice that they wanted a change. And I want them to hear about a soon-to-be high school senior that wants to make all of this change possible.  He didn't come from a perfect background, but he desperately wants to be a leader.  He's about to lead a major change.

This is our information.  If you feel like sending a note of encouragement, we would greatly appreciate it. :-)

Michelle Winn

1502 Lynchburg Hwy

Lynchburg, TN  37352

You can also email me and I will print messages to hand to the students. Comments on this blog will be shared as well.

michelle.winn@tennk12.net

Please consider following this project.  The students are meeting on Monday afternoon to decide what needs to be done.  They are looking at project ideas, fundraising, and learning important leadership and business skills in the process (negotiating, team-building, time management).

I was waiting for something major to change in my life.  I can honestly say that any amount of waiting did not prepare me for what is about to happen. And I am THRILLED. :-)

Lost in Thought...

I've been thinking a lot over this past week... This often gets me into trouble...

Some say idle hands are the devil's playground--I feel the same with my mind.  If I let it wander, it's hard to rope me back into reality.

I have thought a lot about what the doctor said to me during our interview--about all of the information he threw at me.  The reality is that it took days for me to digest our conversation.  A sixteen-hour car ride seems like the best place to think of such things.

I concluded that I will indeed be a producer--of ideas, of motivation, of goodwill.  I am working on my writing projects, and I absolutely love working with photography and talking with people.  These projects have given me a new passion for life.  I am quite alright "selling tickets," and I believe there are many people that would like to jump on board and join me for the show.

This realization made me think a lot about the second part- "not meet criteria." I was to sell tickets, and not meet criteria.  The logician in me thought it was absurd, because there is criteria for everything these days.  The reality is that I have never done well when I have to bend to the whims of others.  I perform best when I march to my own beat.  I am one of the few that pushes herself ahead.  I am terribly intrinsically motivated, and any external rewards almost shut me down. They insult me.  They tear down my spirit.

I wonder if all writers feel that way.  Or all producers.

I thought about a quote of Emerson's.  Man, if I could pick one person that I had to quote for the rest of my life, it would be him.  He saw the world through the same focus as me--we were kindred spirits, separated by many years.

"Every man I meet is in some way my superior."  ~Emerson

This has always made me think about ego; how so many people aren't willing to see that interactions add value to their lives.  There is always something I can gain from every interaction I have.  It may not always be a positive experience, but at least I have learned something.  That was the greatest lesson my father taught me, and Emerson just stated it more eloquently.

I remember my father telling me long ago that there will be people in life that will give you great lessons.  There will be people in life that will say things with which you don't agree.  The key is to listen (not just hear, but listen!), because you can take something away from every interaction with people.  Even if it is how NOT to do something, you will learn something from those around you.

I believe that people can be wonderful, compassionate people.  They can always be egotistical, self-centered and believe they are the masters of their field.  Everyone has something to learn--some of us are better at admitting it.  In time, I believe everyone will realize they have room to grow, and even blossom.

I know I don't have all the answers.  I know I have made more mistakes in my life than I care to mention.  The reality is that I only made mistakes because I got out there and tried!  I lived, I took risks, and I failed.  It's life.  My ego isn't bruised because of it--I learn, I suck it up, develop who I am, and I move on.  This makes me a better writer, a better teacher, a better leader, and a better mother.  I feel I am more empathetic because I have been there, but I am also wise enough to know that there are people that know more than me.  There are so many that have gone before me, and are many steps ahead of me.  And everyone has something to give me along my journey...

I am not becoming some crazy radical, but I am growing tired of meeting the criteria.  This world constantly has "conditions" to maintain order.  Look around us-is there really order? Because I am not seeing it!  I feel that I can be the most productive when I put my mind to work (instead of idling), and produce SOMETHING.  I like to think, I like to explore the world around me, and I like to talk to people.  I love to take these adventures, put them together, and write about them.  This is where I will be selling my tickets.  Nothing crazy--just being who I am.

Along this journey of twenty-nine years (and counting), I have set a course for who I want to be.  I know that there are so many around me that will contribute along this journey.  Some have already come into my lives, and some I have yet to meet.  I received an e-mail that I will be receiving a list of more contacts for the book.  Something about this e-mail tells me there has been a course SET for me, and it isn't my plan.  Right now, I am just along for the ride.

Memories

I was talking to someone last night about memories.  We were talking about how vivid "good" memories tie us from the past to the future.  Through the course of a random conversation he said the word "clambake," and I literally had a flood of memories come back to me from my childhood.  I told a 20-minute long story about the clambakes my family used to host, and went into great detail about my childhood home.  It is amazing how a random word can cause such a chain reaction when it comes to memory.

This is something I haven't really dealt with since the accident and subsequent falls and medications.  The truth is, I don't remember at least a year of my life now, and there are other holes that appear to be missing.  I know that seizure medications can cause major problems with memory, and I know that I was taking well over the maximum prescribed dosage.  Experimental medications always make me uneasy, and I was on maxed-out dosages of that toxic ick.  There were so many chemicals pumped into my body, I imagine I am more preserved than Keith Richards...

I want desperately to remember my past.  Even if it was a difficult time, I want that connection to my life.  I feel like I woke up one morning and started a new life, and it terrifies me.  I was telling someone this last night, and we noticed that the brain has seemed to reset itself.  I hear that people have distinct personality changes after accidents--I feel like my mind was definitely affected, but my personality remains intact.

Of course, we have to factor in the divorce.  There is obviously going to be a change in personality when I became liberated, so I don't want that confused with recovery.  I will say that through all the difficulties I have had over the past six months, and probably even more, I have had an easier time going it alone.  I feel like I can really be dependent on myself, and that has proven how resilient I really am.

Back to the memories...  I went to the Traumatic Brain Injury Conference a few weeks ago, and it was mentioned that for the most part, people are able to retain a lot of information or their slate is wiped clean.  I feel like I recaptured an amazing amount of information, but I do feel like I am lagging behind where I should be.  I long ago abandoned the idea that life will be perfect and I would be a high achiever.  Right now I just want to be comfortable remembering normal things like names and my grocery list (the people at Kroger think I am crazy as I stare off into space in confusion...).  But, with the lack of name recall, I remember most everything from graduate school, and have retained an amazing amount of trivial facts.  It really is amazing how much random information I remember, but can't remember basic memories.

I think pictures have helped me out greatly.  I do love looking at pictures from years past, especially around the incident.  It's strange to look at them and either remember everything about the picture, or remark that the photographer must not have been me (even though I was the only one that could have taken the photo).  Either way, I feel that I at least have a link to the past.  In time, I will be able to sort through my memories and place information in the correct time slots.

I do feel like my life now is without a filter.  I feel like I feel things with more intensity, and notice more random detail.  I don't have a lot of comparison other than going off comments of friends and family.  They notice that I am very involved in the world, and am embracing the experiences around me.  I am not sure if this is typical of a person with a brain injury, or if I am really living a different reality.  Either way, I do like it.

Now that the memories have started trickling back, I have to brace myself for the emotions that are connected.  I will get these waves of intense memory and emotion like in the clambake episode, and it terrifies me.  I can have the most detailed and realistic memories, so much so that it almost feels like a dream.  I feel like Alice in Wonderland, where the reality doesn't feel quite real.  I wonder if this ordeal will even itself out, or if I will have to hold on for the ride.

I commented last night that I definitely feel like I am on a different level now--I feel like I am not as smart as I used to be.  I recall most of the information, but it feels like my processing speed is dramatically decreased.  Other people might not notice, but I do feel different.  I know I have all of this information in my head, but my body isn't responding as quickly as I like.  It is terribly frustrating, and I am not sure what I need to do about this problem.  I did become more sensitive in my work with gifted students.  A teacher commented today about how one of my gifted students was "one of the best and brightest of the school, so how dare he..." Of course, if we looked at teenage development, his reaction was right on the mark for his age group.  To expect intellectually gifted kids to always be superior than their peers is a major problem.  And now that I feel like I have "lost" some of my giftedness, I am particularly sensitive to the whole experience of being gifted.

Wow, this whole thing felt like a rant--almost a lucid dream.  I guess that is how memories work, and how the mind works in general.  The reality is that this miraculous organ called the brain works as hard as it can to make connections.  We just hope that the connections it makes are to reality--that these connections can help us rediscover our past, and help us determine our future.  If not, it's been one heck of a dream...

Applied Ethics and Pedometers

This might be the strangest post for me to write.  I guess it is strange because I am not comfortable going to bed without the answers to something.  Don't get me wrong--I have very little answers to anything in my own life.  In my job, I try to have some sense of direction and a clear plan (or at least try really hard to fake it).

What does this have to do with my "15 Before 30" project? Good question.  One of my goals is to run a 10K race.  Through this journey, I have begun training and running.  I talked with the Director of Coordinated School Health Programs, and ended up developing a school-wide Walk Across Tennessee program for the students.  We had overwhelming participation on opening day; so much so that we had to postpone kickoff a few days so that we could overnight some more pedometers.

There are students that have been following my "milestone crisis" project, and have been motivated to set goals.  In addition to the walking program, I sent out a feeler for a running group.  Our thought was that even if a few were interested, a cross country team might be formed.  Well, there are 48 students that are interested in running!!!  The only problem this presents is that I am only one person... and I don't even run terribly fast.  I do love running, and I love their enthusiasm. So, I will make do with whatever I can do to make them succeed.

Now, this is where the title comes in, and where my dilemma surfaces.  When designing this program, I knew that the basic pedometers leave a lot of room for cheating.  The reality is that they measure pretty slight movements, so anyone could sit and shake the pedometers, and end up with thousands of extra steps.  I am not saying I am Mother Teresa, but I do try to live to a pretty high moral standard.  When creating the rule sheet, I talked about integrity and morality, but tried to give the students some freedom and responsibility.

I was approached by a concerned student about two hours after the first wave of pedometers had been distributed.  He told me that he ran four miles during gym class, and was pretty proud of his accomplishments (as was I!).  He went on to tell me he had witnessed a few students that were sedentary, and were shaking their pedometers to register extra steps.  He vented his frustration that he was working hard to make himself healthier (and competing for prizes), and they were not playing by the rules.  He wanted to know what could be done to make them comply, other than public defamation, and perhaps stoning? Ok, I am kidding on the last part...

This brought up an interesting problem.  I didn't have the answer though. I knew what I would tell my own children- that there are people in this world that will always want to cheat.  I would ask them what they wanted to get out of the program- did they want to run faster? commit to reaching a goal? was that more important than who wins a prize? (You can tell I was never a person that responded to extrinsic motivators...)

I went home to think about what speech I would give, and what action I would take.  The revised kickoff will be Tuesday, and I have until then to come up with a plan.  I talked to my father, hoping to gain some wisdom.  He deals with organizations often, and always has a story to offer when dealing with business or large groups of people.

He told me how an employee at a very large company was made to wear a pedometer to make sure he was circulating the floor during the night shift.  The pedometer would be tracked every morning.  The employee did not keep with his end of the bargain, and instead of complying with his job description, he found out there was a machine on the floor that jiggled quite a bit.  He paid an employee that worked on said machine x-dollars to wear the pedometer, so that it would register plenty of steps.  Meanwhile, he could kick his feet up and read a magazine, or even take a nap, while his employees went unattended.

Long story short: the pedometer was left on too long, one morning it looked like the man walked 40 miles in a night, and he was fired.  So, I guess my public stoning sounded about right?

I started thinking about ethics, and if I could make this a truly teachable moment.  There aren't a lot of ethics classes in schools, and I wonder why that is.  It has nothing to do with religion--we are just teaching students to make decisions based on their values or reasoning.  I, personally, think it is one of the biggest lessons we could give to these kids.  I wondered how I would approach a lesson on ethics and make it interesting to the kids.  I didn't want to lock them into a room and rant to them, and I certainly didn't want to harass the ones that are already making the right decisions.  But I did want to make sure we were all on the same page, and give the opportunity for all of them to receive the same guidance.  I have learned in my years of teaching that we can't assume the parents have taught them values and reasoning.

What did I decide?  I did decide to give a modified applied ethics lesson.  I also decided to have a public contract displayed, where students can commit to doing the right thing, and signing their names outside my door.  I don't want to be a jaded person that constantly questions people's intentions.  I want kids to have some respect of  me, and I want to be able to trust them. I refuse to live in a world where I always have to plan for the bad guy.  At the same time, I have to realize that there are people that want to get rewards without doing the work, and it is my job as a teacher (and really as an adult) to guide them into making intelligent choices.  I do that by modeling appropriate behavior, and I can also do that by discussing important issues such as these.

This made me remember the one time I got in trouble in school. It was the third grade, and I was made to stay in from recess for 15 minutes because I was talking while the teacher was out of the room.  The real story: I DID talk, but I was telling the others to be quiet while the teacher was out (and I was trying to read). And when the teacher returned and asked who talked, I could not deny that I did it.  I just wish she didn't have to make an example out of me.

I do believe that part of this project was for me to run in a race--got it.  But I can see how it has evolved to quite a life-changing experience.  There are kids that are now dealing with important life issues, are getting healthier (by the hundreds!), and are inspiring change in their community.  How many people can say that about their to-do lists?