Looking on to more goals...

There are five days left until my birthday, and I will not finish my list.

What didn't I finish?

1. Finish a 10K.
2. Ride in a hot air balloon.
3. Raise $1,000 for charity.
4. Buy and drink a really expensive glass of wine.
5. Read 10 great works of literature (I did make it to seven- so 3 more!).

I received an overwhelming response of emails and conversations with friends that told me I should give myself an extension. I did have a couple of surgeries in there, and encounter a few strange setbacks that aren't typical for my life.

I really don't know what kind of timeline I can give myself for running the race, since I am not very certain what the outcome of the back surgery will be. I know I will need to take it easy post-surgery, so I will not be out there running. I won't be sitting like a bump on a log either, so I am sure I will be able to meet this goal by the end of the school year (even if "running" isn't very fast).

I am going to contact, recontact, and brainstorm on how to ride in a hot air balloon. Like I had said before, the company is out of business, so my gift certificate is not valid. I can't imagine how this could be allowed, and there has to be someone I will come in contact with that can make this happen. I will keep thinking on it.

I really want to raise the money for charity. We were planning a music event at the school, to raise money to bring creative after-school programs to my students in Moore County. I wanted to expand their minds and bring them hobbies and classes that will help them in the long run (like photography, a book club, intramural sports, etc).  I know if we can get to planning, we will be able to have the event planned for winter (January?).

I can read three more books in a matter of a few weeks, so that really shouldn't be a problem. I do start classes in January, so I am very certain I will be doing a lot of reading over the next four years!

And I am not really certain where I was going with the wine. I know I wanted to really understand wines and learn something about the higher end wines. I know if I bought an expensive bottle, I would not be thrilled about opening it. I guess this is something I was reserving for a special occasion, so perhaps New Years Even would be a good time for a bottle that's special?

I already had in my mind that I wanted to create another list. I am definitely finishing this list, but I know that I have more goals that I would like to achieve by other milestone birthdays (40 being the big one!). I would like to put some thought into another list, and maybe organize it so that I can complete a major goal each year for the next ten years? I would love to hear if anyone has ideas on a good goal. I am excited and ready to embrace 30, and I imagine I will be at a completely different point in my life by 40.

I had dinner with Jeremy last night, and we talked for hours. I told him about the purpose of the project, and how it was important for me to have goals when looking at a major life change. As you will remember, I created this list on the heels of a divorce being final. I was looking out into the world and seeing all of the opportunities that lie ahead. I feel this way now--I see that I am a strong and independent woman, and can do anything I set my mind to.  I also see that I can take care of myself, and am very self-reliant. 

But now, more than any other time in the past year, I realize that I don't want to live the rest of my life that way. I remember a few weeks ago, when I was traveling around Washington. I went to Wal-Mart to buy something, and I can remember thinking to myself that in fifteen years I would be able to take off and do whatever I chose. I would be able to live my life of independence, and I would finally be free.

Sitting on the couch last night, talking with a glass of wine in my hand, I realized I don't want to be alone. I like that I am capable of doing things alone, but I don't want that to be my life. I want to sit and talk with someone, and share my life. I want to have common goals, or to have the support for those dreams that are my own. I liked the idea of being free and being a drifter, but I realized I liked the idea of being part of a couple. I liked the idea of sharing my life and all of its stories with another person.

I remembered that book I had mentioned long ago, by Elizabeth Gilbert. She talked about the fact that she didn't want to be married. She didn't want to be tied to someone, and after divorce she thought that the whole idea was a joke. She was looking at a forced marriage to her love, and she was panicking. I remember reading toward the end of the book that her travels out on her own to Cambodia were not what she hoped, because while she was out there "finding herself," she was missing the idea of being with Felipe even more.

At the beginning of this journey, I understood her free spirit. I wanted what she had, and I was ready to take flight at the next opportunity. Now, I feel more like she does after her trip to Cambodia. I have a rich and exciting life now, even when it is just reporting to work most days. I want to share those experiences, and my hope and dreams of how my life will be with someone. I want to plan holidays and raise children and have a life. I feel like I've been ripped off in that department.

Maybe that will be one of my goals for the next project. 

One More Week: A very long post, to explain a lot of things...

        I realize that I have one week left before turning 30.

        I also realize that the project will not be completed by 30.

        I guess I need to back up a couple of weeks.  I know I haven't typed about anything for a while, and there were some good reasons.

        My last post was all about changes that were happening in my life.  I was (am) excited about my acceptance to graduate school, and will be registering for my first semester Monday.  I am really thrilled to look at the next few years, and the actual fun of returning to college.  I am not going to lie--I am a geek.  I love being in school, and I always love learning new things. I remember the first semester after I graduated with my Masters Degree.  The novelty of being out of the classroom wore off after a few weeks, and I was itching to get back.  Luckily I had a baby a few months later, so that occupied my time for a while. :-)

        My last post occurred on a Tuesday. I took a look over my past year, and talked about how I almost reached an important goal of accomplishing 15 goals.  I realized it probably wasn't going to happen, because I was running out of time.  I knew I could complete possibly one or two more goals, but I wasn't going to reach my major goal.

        What happened between then and now? Two things...

         Three days later, I decided to take a break from the pressures of dating for quite a while. I also decided to get out there and be social again.  I attended a Halloween party in Nashville, and the unthinkable happened.
  
          I met someone.

          Yes, it sounds completely ridiculous that I gave myself four days to bounce back from a breakup. The reality is that I was giving myself a long time. I also wasn't really that upset by it. I know now that it was because I knew it would be happening, and the wheels were already turning in my head to have a discussion about what wasn't working. Complete reality would be admitting that there was a LOT that wasn't working.

          I took a few days to do some deep thinking, talked to a few wise friends on my phone, and came out of all of this realizing that I had fallen into the same pattern.  I had found two men that really made me change my life to accommodate them. I had found two very similar people, but they were dressed differently. I found two people that were always blaming other people for their problems, who always needed to be the center of attention or have their egos stroked, and didn't make an effort to make me happy.

            I am not saying that I need someone that only lives to make me happy, but if there isn't even a puppy dog phase in the beginning, you know you are in trouble...

            So, back to the Halloween party.  After I had been thinking all of these things, I realized what I did not want to see. I realized that I needed some time to dedicate to myself before I could worry about fending off those creatures.

            I don't dance, and anyone who has seen me try knows that I am terrible. People only want to watch me dance after they have been drinking for a long time. The sad truth is that I am completely sober when I dance so terribly.  At the party, much of the event revolved around dancing to music provided by the DJ.  I placed myself at a table with some other people, and proceeded to talk about my life and what we had in common. After a while, I did get up to go to the bar and get a soda. While standing there, I looked down and saw a $20 bill on the ground.  I picked it up and looked around to see if it was just dropped. I walked up to the party director, and asked her if she could figure out who lost it. She gave me a funny look, then told me that would be pretty hard to do, since most everyone had already bought a drink from the bar.  We finally decided to give it to the bartender as a great tip, since I was not going to keep money that wasn't mine.  As I went back to the bar, I walked up and put the money into the tip jar.  I heard a voice, "you are supposed to get a drink in return..."

            I turned around and saw the Phantom of the Opera staring at me. I explained to him quickly that I found it on the ground, and would not be keeping the money since it wasn't mine.  He commented that I was a Good Samaritan, and I smiled and said I guess he was right. I walked away, thinking my time talking to the Phantom would be over.

           I met up with a friend over at the other side of the dance floor, and we talked as the music continued to play.  I did talk with a pirate (and his parrot) about teaching and welding.  This was definitely not the most exciting moment in my history of party-hopping.  I heard a voice behind me, and turned to find a strikingly handsome man. It was the Phantom with his mask removed. He was talking to me, and it took me a moment to realize what was going on.

           As we continued to talk, the music changed from fast to slow, and back to fast. I commented on my terrible dancing, and even displayed an old move known as "feeding the chickens." I wondered in my head, "what the heck are you doing, Michelle?!?" At this point, I really felt no control in admitting my dancing faults.

          As we continued to talk about how to best cook salmon, a slow song began. I felt an arm scoop me up around the waste, and we glided out onto the dance floor. It was nice to dance, but we talked the entire time.  I remember the conversation was very smooth, and we didn't even realize that we were dancing halfway into AC-DC's "Back in Black."  I remember looking around at that moment, and realizing there were a lot of people staring.

          The rest of the evening was fun, and we talked a lot about our childhoods, hobbies, jobs, and likes/dislikes. I told stories about when I was younger, told him about favorite John Hughes movies, and listened to stories of him growing up in Minnesota. We would move out onto the dance floor for a few dances before the night was over.  We ended up leaving only after the DJ started packing up and turned on all of the lights in the room.

           He walked me down to my car, and I thought it would be the end of a great moment, and of the idea of being with someone. I told him about my children, which I thought would scare him away. He pulled out his phone and showed me his three boys (two of which are very close to the age of my two!).  He asked me if he could give me his number, and I was completely dense as to what that meant. I told him I would just text him, and then he would have mine. His eyes brightened, and he gave me a quick hug before leaving. 

           I opened my car, and jumped inside.  As I was turning out of the parking lot and heading home, I saw my phone light up. I found a message thanking me for a wonderful evening. I wondered to myself how the heck something like this would happen.

          Over the past few weeks since the party, I will have to admit that it's been wonderful.  We talk on the phone for hours at night, I receive messages in the morning telling me to have a good day, and we shared a wonderful night out to dinner (where the waitress realized we were there for two hours talking, and wasn't too happy!). It was nice to talk with someone that shared the same ideals and goals, and thought I was fantastic. It is nice to be around someone that thinks about me often, and tells me I need to call him when I get out of a sleep study and am driving home by myself at 4am.

           THAT is exactly what I needed at this point in my life.

           Tomorrow is another date, to celebrate my birthday.  I can't say what will work out in life, and what won't.  I will say that I am terribly happy about the fact that I have someone that is ready and willing to hear the good and bad about my day whenever I need him. I like it when someone sends me a message to tell me he is thinking about me, and that he hopes the meeting went well.  You never know what will happen, but I can say I am not used to how this is turning out (and my friend says that's because I have dated idiots in the past...).

     
         So, I mentioned that there were two things that happened to me. Meeting Jeremy was definitely one of them.  Another was a phone call I received a few days ago. It was from my doctor that is completing my upcoming back surgery. I answered, expecting for them to tell me that my back looked fine for surgery.

          Instead, she told me they found a mass on my thyroid, and they are concerned.  I was told they were sending the films to my doctor, who will coordinate the appts for an ultrasound, and probably a specialist.  I wondered if my luck was too good. It was at THAT point that I gave up on the rest of this project.  I am never a person to give up, and even with the hot air balloon company going out of business (after I had a gift certificate), I was still coming up with creative ideas for reaching my goals. 

         I dealt with bad news about my legs with enough coolness and calm to realize I could keep fighting. I dealt with the news of my upcoming back implant with a great amount of grace and calm. What was different about the thyroid?

        I knew what was causing pain in my back and legs. That was from injuries and failed surgery. Those were from things that happened to me, and I was going to work the rest of my life not to let them get the better of me. A quarter-sized mass on my thyroid was different. 90% of them aren't cancerous, but that meant 10% were. I have already beat so many odds, what if my lucky time was over? What if this would be the event that did it for me?

       It's funny that when I was breaking up with Tom, how he brought up my health. It was very hypocritical, being that I went to the gym and worked out, dealt with my pain on my own, and he wasn't very active in any health decisions (I am quite a trooper. I even work while sick.).  He didn't have any idea about this blow...

       I was apprehensive about bringing these things up to someone new. I do know they need to be out there, because if someone can't handle all this, it wasn't going to work out anyway.  When I mentioned the attack and leg issues, Jeremy told me he couldn't believe it, but that I was strong. When I mentioned the sleep trouble that happens now, he had only concern that I will be ok now. I am fairly sure it will all turn out ok, but I guess it's one thing that has to come out now. I really don't want to deal with another hypocrite or narcissist. Not at this point in my life...

       So, what does this mean for my project? I can either call it quits, or give myself an extension. There are still a lot of projects that I want to complete. I am glad that I did complete so many of them. I learned a lot about myself, had goals that I created and set out to accomplish, and I ended up meeting some cool people along the way.  I also taught my students about setting goals and making plans to reach them.

       One of my students was giving me a hard time about the fact that I had less than two weeks to reach the goals. The same student walked into my room as I was receiving the news about the mass from the doctor. He saw the tears stream down my cheek, and he heard me ask about what tests I would need.

       He hasn't said another word.

         

Ick

It was never my intention to go this long without writing. I know that I don't have a long time before my project ends, and this is the last time to start slacking on my notes of the project.

In the past month, I have been visiting doctors. I have actually visited a few different specialists, trying to get an answer to my pain.  This intense pain has been going on for over three years, but it really peaked in the past two weeks.

One day at work, while I was standing up teaching, I burst into tears. The muscle in my leg had contracted so fiercely, I was barely able to breathe. The pain was shooting through my leg, and I felt unable to move. This is happening while taking muscle relaxers and pain medications.  I was not sure where to go from here, but I had to do something.  After my history of the wheelchair, braces and cane, I was NOT going back to using a device to help me walk. I am NOT giving up my independence without a fight.

The problem of pain meds is that I need to remain alert while teaching.  The goal is to find the medication that relieves the symptoms while allowing me to stay focused on my job.  This is hard when the spasms are so strong they are causing bruising.  

Leaving my job is not an option. I love teaching, and I also have to provide a home and a life for my children. I am their only source of support (besides the obvious "support" from my family and friends), and I cannot bend on my work because of discomfort.  Even on days when I am miserable and can barely move, off to work I must go.

I try to be mobile, and do as much as I can.  It actually helps to exercise (within reason), so I am working on exercising with my students.  I need to keep my body active but rested, and this is a fine line I teeter along.  Until a treatment comes along that will help me with the pain, I am forced to toss all the plates up in the air and try to juggle.

A treatment was recommended at my last visit with the physiatrist.  It was actually a treatment that was discussed years back, but I really didn't think about it since I didn't believe I was getting out of a wheelchair or returning back to work.  The treatment is a spinal cord stimulator, nor neuromodulator.  The device is implanted in my back, with electrodes planted along the nerves in my spinal cord.  The goal is to send out electrical signals that block the pain signals of my back and legs. Instead of feeling pain, I will feel a steady buzzing or humming feeling.  I remained skeptical, because all treatments before have been miserable.  I am either too doped up to function or screaming in pain.  There have rarely been days that I have a feeling in the middle.

So, now I get to decide if this is something I am ready to try.  I wake up throughout the night, screaming in pain.  I find myself limiting my activity because of the pain it might cause.  I can feel myself becoming prisoner again.  I think it's time for a change...

I have continued to work on the project, but have taken a bit of a mental break while I dealt with these issues.  I do have one bit of news to provide: To reach the goal of raising $1,000 for charity, we did decide to hold a big birthday bash and collect donations.  There is a local band I am talking with about playing a concert at the party. This could turn out to be quite a shindig that would raise money for increasing creative experiences for all students in Moore County (in light of the fact that art is gone...).

Update...

I realized earlier this evening that I had not posted my progress in a while.  I actually hadn't posted anything in a while...  I guess it's time for an update!

Surgery is really what put me into a funk. I wasn't thrilled that I would have an extended recovery, and I was really on eggshells until I went to get my post-op ultrasound and had a chance to look at the progress.  This surgery was supposed to free me, and I was not happy that my recovery was going to take longer than expected (since it has been a THREE year process!).

Well, it will be at least three more months before I get some real progress. I have some major swelling left over, but it's supposed to resolve soon.  I am walking daily, and this helps to get everything moving.

I am happy to announce that I am on my way to completing another mission: to learn website design!

I have been walking, talking, and such with a friend, Tom. He works on computer programming for a living, so he has given me a lesson and some pointers on how to layout a website beyond the templates that blogger gives.  I am not saying I want to be an expert in the area- it was just something I always wondered about.  I want to work on creating a site to link my writings, this blog, and some other projects. I will call this mission a near-success, with some actual application meeting my goal. 

The walking has also helped get me moving to get back into training.  I am really not certain what I need to do for my goal to run a 10K.  I know I just need to keep moving and wait to see what happens.  I have little control over anything other than helping myself, and I will do my best.  At the next doctor's appt, I will reevaluate my goal.

I have my stack of books primed and ready for summer break. I am disappointed that I didn't get to read more in the past few months.  Life has kept me extra busy, and I know for the next three weeks I will be treading water.  It is nice to know there is a stack of books that will be waiting for me once I get a break. :-)

I am going to work on arranging the fish catch, and I need to schedule my hot air balloon ride.  I am ready to get out and do those things, now that I am somewhat mobile.

These past two weeks have been incredibly calming.  I have been able to focus on what I need to do, I have been more productive, and I can see that my energy has increased.  It is funny how waves of peace and calm can move through your life.  I really think you don't realize how wonderful it is until you have gone through a storm.  I like the structure and order and calm of my environment, because it was not like that a year ago.  I like having my life back, and I am excited to look at the future.

My daughter's third birthday was Friday, and I thought back over these past three years.  It's been a rough ride, and I wonder at times how I survived.  She has been an incredible presence in my life, and I feel like she was sent to save me.  The other morning I woke up and wrote something for her birthday.  At first I didn't feel like sharing, but it seems like a pretty vital message in the whole scheme of things.

 These Three Years

I waited for my life to change again.

Had enough with change,

and was frankly sick of it all.

Little did I know,

change had just begun.

It would consume me.

My savior-my lifeline

would soon be born.

She was the hope I had dreamed of,

and knew she would rescue me.

She is the spirit of everything

I could ever hope to be.

Everyone says she is my shadow,

my likeness.

As time has moved on,

hair has grown longer,

young faces are older.

Lessons were learned,

both mother and daughter.

My saving grace has walked

beside me through these years.

Through illness, injury, and desertion-

her trusting eyes,

her comforting stroke of my hair,

as I hold her against me at night.

A creature creeps into my room

in early morning.

A whisper:

             "Don't worry Mommy, I'll save you."

My reply:

            "You already have."

Pain, Pain, Go Away...

First of all, I realize that a lot of my recent posts don't mention the ongoing project of 15 Before 30. I am going to create another post later tonight that will provide an update on the project.

Two weeks ago I had a leg surgery. It was a relatively simple procedure, and I was told I would be back to my old self in a couple of days.  This same procedure was supposed to be the start of a two-part surgery that would wrap up my 2.5 years of pain.  This was supposed to be it! I would be free!

For those of you that have known me for a while, you know I have lived with pain. Well, for some of you that know me, you still may have never heard about it. I was miserable, but I tried not to complain too much.  I remember visiting a specialist, and after him asking me the same question for the thousandth time: "Rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10." I screamed "14!!!!"

Pain can do terrible things to your body.  It makes you mentally miserable, it limits your daily activities, and it cuts you off from your social circles.  It's even worse when the wounds are healed, and the pain lingers.  There isn't a cast or a bandage for people to see.  They assume you made a miraculous comeback, and nothing can stop you!  Pain doesn't work that way for me.  I am fearful it will always be my companion.

When I started running, I knew a little trick.  With fibromyalgia and chronic pain, you can sometimes overwork your body, and it short circuits the pain response.  I really had that going for me for a few months, and I was feeling better than I had in years!  No medications or anything--just intense exercise and eating right.

Then the leg issues cropped up. Surgery #1, like I said, should have been a couple of days of recovery.  Two weeks later, I still have terrible pain in the leg.  I walked, I wrapped, I propped, I did everything they told me to do!  I have severe almost-painful numbness on my lower leg, and it feels like all the nerves have been fried. A blanket on top of my leg at night causes intense pain. Great...

Wednesday was surgery #2. It was supposed to be very similar to surgery #1, and the recovery time should have been short as well.  I knew better this time, and realized that the recovery might change from a few days to two weeks.  After a terribly painful procedure (I was only partially sedated), I was told it would be a six month recovery.

Six months.

Six months?!?

There were a lot of emotions that ran through me on Wednesday, as well as a lot of Valium.  I knew that some of the emotions were exaggerated from the medications, but others were real.  I had finally gotten my life and my body back together.  I survived the attack and recovery, I survived a divorce, relocation, and new job, and I had been doing well pushing myself physically.  Now, it was like a blow to the stomach.  Why don't they just chop off my leg now?

Ok, that was too dramatic.  But the reality was, I didn't know if I would ever get back to where I was, if I would ever heal and be the person I wanted to be, and if I would get to have the life I have been dreaming about and planning.

There was a lot of tears.

I realized that I have no control over some things that happen in my life, but I can choose how I react.  I am doing exactly what the doctor has told me, and will be taking it very easy.  This is going to be hard when I am used to speeding through life at 100 miles an hour.

I am going to reevaluate a few things.  There was a selfish response on Wednesday, and I'm not really proud that it was one of my first thoughts:

I thought about the recovery, and the unknown.  And I thought about relationships.  Who would sign up to deal with these damaged goods?  I was finally to the point where I could entertain the idea of a long-term relationship again.  Why would someone knowingly get involved with me when there was a lot going on.  And I feel it's only fair that people would know what they are getting into.  I am being dramatic again, but I feel like a leper of sorts.

So, this post isn't positive and upbeat.  We all have our rough times in life.  This has been my week.  Really, this has been a flashback of the past three years for me.  The three years I thought I could finally put behind me.

But there is something positive that has come of it.

Events like this do weed out the people that are not invested.  They tell me who wants to stick around, and who can't handle the trouble.  We've seen it in the past already.  So I will take this as an experience that will hopefully show me something new and different about myself, and even those around me.

I have contemplated adapting my 10K goal, but I don't want to change plans yet. It's like giving up. I am not ready for that yet...

And I have seven more months before my birthday. A lot can happen in seven months...

Why?

Try to realize it's all within yourself no one else can make you change, and to see you're only very small and life flows on within you and without you.

                                                                          ~George Harrison

When I look back over this past week, I can't help but wonder why things happened.  I know it's human nature to wonder about our existence.  Reality can be scary, and we always want to find reasons for things that happen around us.

We had a student die on Wednesday in a car accident.  It was a terribly rough day for us, as we supported grieving students and staff.  I wondered about why I didn't cry through the entire day.  I figured I was just going into "chaos mode," and would let the tears flow when I got home.  The day went on, and as I lay in bed Wednesday night, I still wondered why I hadn't cried.  I was terribly sad, and memories of past losses flooded back.  Instead of letting the tears flow, I just felt numb.  It was a little scary, but I really wanted sleep. So, I surrendered.

At work Thursday, I already knew I wasn't feeling right. I had a bad headache, my eyes were acting funny, and I just felt weird.  I was also terribly absent-minded, and noticed that I was all out of sorts.  I tried to get into a routine, but it wasn't happening.  My headache got worse, and soon I ended up with a nosebleed and an intense headache.  I kept feeling like I was going to pass out.  When I got up to the board to write something, I immediately knew something was wrong.  I could "feel" my heart, and something wasn't right.  I was never so aware of what was going on, and felt spacey at the same time.  A coworker walked in and noticed I looked flushed. At that point, we decided I would check my blood pressure.  I have never had blood pressure issues, and I am normally on the low side of the blood pressure scale. Still, I knew something wasn't right.

When I got up to the front office, I knew that something was WRONG. My head was moving in slow motion, and my heart was beating funny. It felt like it was a tremendous effort to get words out.  They checked my blood pressure, and it was pretty high. I could sense this feeling that something was going to happen. I told them the ambulance call might not be a bad idea, so they called them in.  The paramedic hooked me up to a bunch of monitors, and did notice one of my heart waves was out of groove.

I decided to head over to see my doctor, so Debra drove me.  We waited to see the doctor, and she noted that I did indeed have a disruption in my heart rhythm.  I was sent to the hospital for more testing, and waited throughout the day for answers.

Long story short: I had some blood abnormalities involving the heart, as well as a concern about my circulation.  I have more testing for this next week, and I have been told to "take it easy." Yes, of course... Especially since my daughter was going to have surgery the next day? Sure...

I will say I was terribly confused that I had heart issues at all, since I have lost an incredible amount of weight, been very active and been eating healthy.  I do know that stress does amazing things to a vulnerable body, and not dealing with sadness is a recipe for disaster.

Friday, we were up bright and early, and Carly had her adenoids removed and tubes in both ears.  This relatively-routine surgery ended up being pretty big when they realized how big her adenoids really were. So, she came home sore, confused and cranky. I had a feeling her recovery was going to be lengthy... I was wrong.

This morning she was up bouncing around the house. She hasn't requested pain medication all day, and has been extremely content.  I wish I had that resilient spirit. :-)

I practiced the drums today, and I do love playing!  I went out to a local music store to talk with the owner as well.  I had such a wonderful time talking about music.  We chatted about drum technique, George Harrison's son Dhani's resemblance on the front of a magazine cover, and about jamming together in the next few days.  There are other well-played musicians involved.  I am terrified...

I was talking to a friend tonight about life. I guess this kind of summed up everything of the past week--losing someone who was important to so many, facing terrifying medical challenges, and dealing with surgery of a small child.  That's a lot of life changes in a few short days.  I looked over the course of the past few months, and how my life has changed dramatically just because I made the conscious decision to LIVE life, and live with intention.  I wanted to LIVE and enjoy the world around me instead of just existing.  I will tell you- it has made a tremendous difference!  I may not understand all that happens around me, and why, but I do know that I am making the very best of all the moments around me.  For that, I am very grateful.

All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.

                                                                        ~George Harrison... again :-)

Running

I started running years ago. I ran some in high school, and ran a lot in college.  I really loved running, until that fateful morning... Yes, I was dancing in the shower (which I now realize was a bad idea)... And so, I fell out of the shower and shattered my left leg below the knee.

"Excuses are tools of incompetence that build bridges that lead to nowhere." Man, my middle school social studies teacher Mr. Davis would be proud...

So, I look back over the past few years, over the injury that happened a few years ago, my long-term stay in a wheelchair, my leg breaking eight years ago, and my upcoming leg surgery.  And I wonder "why am I still running?"

Why not?

I enjoy it. It's good exercise. I like pushing myself to see how far my body can go. I like the feeling of being outside and communing with nature. I like being dependent on myself to get somewhere. I like to appreciate this cool piece of technology that is my body.

Right now, I am more in a fast walking phase.  I did build up to some decent running until a few weeks ago. After a very strange and unfortunate incident with my son, I tore a bit of my left quad.  So, I've been walking.  My time is still looking good, and I should be able to resume running shortly.

I do remember a doctor had done some testing a while back (while I was in a wheelchair). She had told me the odds of walking unassisted were going to be very slim, due to the amount of neuropathy and muscle damage in my legs.  It has been quite a road of exercise, training, eating healthy, rest, and recovery, but I can't wait to send her the picture of me crossing that finish line! :-)