Ick

It was never my intention to go this long without writing. I know that I don't have a long time before my project ends, and this is the last time to start slacking on my notes of the project.

In the past month, I have been visiting doctors. I have actually visited a few different specialists, trying to get an answer to my pain.  This intense pain has been going on for over three years, but it really peaked in the past two weeks.

One day at work, while I was standing up teaching, I burst into tears. The muscle in my leg had contracted so fiercely, I was barely able to breathe. The pain was shooting through my leg, and I felt unable to move. This is happening while taking muscle relaxers and pain medications.  I was not sure where to go from here, but I had to do something.  After my history of the wheelchair, braces and cane, I was NOT going back to using a device to help me walk. I am NOT giving up my independence without a fight.

The problem of pain meds is that I need to remain alert while teaching.  The goal is to find the medication that relieves the symptoms while allowing me to stay focused on my job.  This is hard when the spasms are so strong they are causing bruising.  

Leaving my job is not an option. I love teaching, and I also have to provide a home and a life for my children. I am their only source of support (besides the obvious "support" from my family and friends), and I cannot bend on my work because of discomfort.  Even on days when I am miserable and can barely move, off to work I must go.

I try to be mobile, and do as much as I can.  It actually helps to exercise (within reason), so I am working on exercising with my students.  I need to keep my body active but rested, and this is a fine line I teeter along.  Until a treatment comes along that will help me with the pain, I am forced to toss all the plates up in the air and try to juggle.

A treatment was recommended at my last visit with the physiatrist.  It was actually a treatment that was discussed years back, but I really didn't think about it since I didn't believe I was getting out of a wheelchair or returning back to work.  The treatment is a spinal cord stimulator, nor neuromodulator.  The device is implanted in my back, with electrodes planted along the nerves in my spinal cord.  The goal is to send out electrical signals that block the pain signals of my back and legs. Instead of feeling pain, I will feel a steady buzzing or humming feeling.  I remained skeptical, because all treatments before have been miserable.  I am either too doped up to function or screaming in pain.  There have rarely been days that I have a feeling in the middle.

So, now I get to decide if this is something I am ready to try.  I wake up throughout the night, screaming in pain.  I find myself limiting my activity because of the pain it might cause.  I can feel myself becoming prisoner again.  I think it's time for a change...

I have continued to work on the project, but have taken a bit of a mental break while I dealt with these issues.  I do have one bit of news to provide: To reach the goal of raising $1,000 for charity, we did decide to hold a big birthday bash and collect donations.  There is a local band I am talking with about playing a concert at the party. This could turn out to be quite a shindig that would raise money for increasing creative experiences for all students in Moore County (in light of the fact that art is gone...).

Breaking Point

I realized I hadn't written in a week or so, and I guess I need to back up and give the full story...

My life has been running smoothly- I have been enjoying my job, I love watching my children grow, and I have been motivated by working on all of these projects.  Life has been good!

There is something that is always lurking. It is my shadow, and I wish I could shake it. I have good days, and I think that maybe it was a dream- maybe I was exaggerating the pain.  Maybe I was just being a wimp.

Then it hits. And I feel like I have been run over by a Mack truck. Then the truck backed up and ran over me again, and again, and again. 

I went on for years like this. It was the aching like the flu, but for every day of my life. If you can imagine the aching that makes it hurt to change the channel, hurt to blow your nose, and wonder if you can even make it to the bathroom and back--this is what I deal with every day.  You learn to live with it, but it's misery.  There's no way I can go without a job, so I carry on. I try to remain optimistic that there will be treatments that will work, but so far there has been nothing.

The pain is bad, but the worst part for me is that my brain gets slow. It almost feels like it comes to a grinding halt.  I know when there are too many messages traveling around my body, it is hard for one to concentrate.  I also know that I am particularly sensitive to my brain and it's ability to think.  So, while people may not notice that I am having trouble, it is killing me inside.

This morning was my breaking point.  I have had a week of pain that has been building, but I have really tried to shake it.  Looks like remission is over, and a flare is in the works. I was already going to be home today to care for a sick child, so I am now able to regroup and look at what I need to do to maintain some sanity.

In the past, I remember that eating certain diets has helped dramatically.  It looks like I will be taking another look at the gluten-free diet.  I have read a lot of conflicting research on the matter, but I know that for me personally, it seems to work.  I also know that there is a lot of food allergy in my family, particularly with wheat (on both sides).  I guess this was a long time coming...

I also need to exercise my boundaries, and say no to extra things.  There has been a lot of undue stress lately, and I am sure it has taken its toll.  I know that I am worth nothing when I am miserably sick, so I need to put myself first.  Since I am the sole provider for myself and my children, I need to be extra-vigilant to make sure I am well enough to work.  I am sure that situation in itself creates extra stress.

I have a few more weeks of work, then I work a very light schedule for a month (extended school year).  This should provide me an opportunity to keep my mind active and bring in some money, but also get the rest I need.  I also have a ton of projects I'd like to get involved in. I have books to read, places to go, and a massive scrapbooking project to undertake.  These are all things I will enjoy, and that will be low-stress, so I am sure they will be healing for my body and soul.

I always take it hard when a flare starts up.  It's like I let myself down.  For those of you that don't know much about fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome, I am going to take an opportunity to educate.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and Fibromyalgia (FMS) are regarded as two different disorders, but are often overlapping.  CFS focuses on immune dysregulation where you feel an incredible amount of disabling fatigue, often with a low-grade fever and achiness.  It's not fun. At. All.

Fibromyalgia is over-active nerves and tenderness throughout the body. It's a widespread body pain that will wipe you out.  It often feels like the pain you have from the flu, and it also causes hypersensitivity to the world around you. Touch, fabrics, temperatures, lights, smells- everything causes headaches, nausea, irritability.  It's like your body is on sensory overload, and is just SCREAMING!!!

For a long time, doctors thought people were just crazy. I really believe because there are more women diagnosed, it went along with the fact that some people believe women just have psychosomatic issues or are just faking for attention.  The reality is that there are men that live with these illnesses, but are under-diagnosed, or don't go to the doctor for care for fear of the label.  There is also a strong connection between people that have suffered abuse or some sort of trauma and fibromyalgia, so some people are quick to believe it is some sort of mental label.  The brain rewires pain signals after physical traumas (violent attacks, car accidents, abuse, rape), so it is no wonder that people would end up with chronic issues involving nerves, muscles, and the immune system after such events.  It should be mentioned that some people develop these problems with no such histories.

Sleep disorders- my last rant.  I think the body would be able to heal itself if decent sleep were to occur.  People with CFS and/or FMS desperately want and need sleep, but can't get restorative sleep to save their lives.  My body never goes into deep sleep.  Well, it can go into deep sleep from the hours of 1-4pm pretty reliably, but I can't seem to find a job or lifestyle that is conducive to that sleep pattern.  So, I live a life of sleep deprivation.  Sleep aids don't help, I monitor my exercise, and I still end up exhausted.  I fall asleep early, and "should" get plenty of sleep.  I wake up exhausted beyond belief. every. single. morning.

For those of you that already knew about CFS/FMS, I apologize for my PSA.  For those of you that didn't know, I hope that offered a brief summary.  I am not a pessimist by nature, and I guess that's why I have lasted so long.  I am quickly becoming a realist, and I am seeing what I am now capable of handling.  At this point, I am looking at the next few weeks and seeing I will need to follow a pretty tight schedule.

So the kids' birthday party is going to be relatively low-key, the work commitments will be met, and nothing more, and to those of you that send me messages and want an immediate response- I apologize in advance.  I am going to make an effort to see friends, to laugh every day, and to get hugs as often as possible.  I want to stay upbeat and positive in what I know is about to be a rough time.

Pain, Pain, Go Away...

First of all, I realize that a lot of my recent posts don't mention the ongoing project of 15 Before 30. I am going to create another post later tonight that will provide an update on the project.

Two weeks ago I had a leg surgery. It was a relatively simple procedure, and I was told I would be back to my old self in a couple of days.  This same procedure was supposed to be the start of a two-part surgery that would wrap up my 2.5 years of pain.  This was supposed to be it! I would be free!

For those of you that have known me for a while, you know I have lived with pain. Well, for some of you that know me, you still may have never heard about it. I was miserable, but I tried not to complain too much.  I remember visiting a specialist, and after him asking me the same question for the thousandth time: "Rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10." I screamed "14!!!!"

Pain can do terrible things to your body.  It makes you mentally miserable, it limits your daily activities, and it cuts you off from your social circles.  It's even worse when the wounds are healed, and the pain lingers.  There isn't a cast or a bandage for people to see.  They assume you made a miraculous comeback, and nothing can stop you!  Pain doesn't work that way for me.  I am fearful it will always be my companion.

When I started running, I knew a little trick.  With fibromyalgia and chronic pain, you can sometimes overwork your body, and it short circuits the pain response.  I really had that going for me for a few months, and I was feeling better than I had in years!  No medications or anything--just intense exercise and eating right.

Then the leg issues cropped up. Surgery #1, like I said, should have been a couple of days of recovery.  Two weeks later, I still have terrible pain in the leg.  I walked, I wrapped, I propped, I did everything they told me to do!  I have severe almost-painful numbness on my lower leg, and it feels like all the nerves have been fried. A blanket on top of my leg at night causes intense pain. Great...

Wednesday was surgery #2. It was supposed to be very similar to surgery #1, and the recovery time should have been short as well.  I knew better this time, and realized that the recovery might change from a few days to two weeks.  After a terribly painful procedure (I was only partially sedated), I was told it would be a six month recovery.

Six months.

Six months?!?

There were a lot of emotions that ran through me on Wednesday, as well as a lot of Valium.  I knew that some of the emotions were exaggerated from the medications, but others were real.  I had finally gotten my life and my body back together.  I survived the attack and recovery, I survived a divorce, relocation, and new job, and I had been doing well pushing myself physically.  Now, it was like a blow to the stomach.  Why don't they just chop off my leg now?

Ok, that was too dramatic.  But the reality was, I didn't know if I would ever get back to where I was, if I would ever heal and be the person I wanted to be, and if I would get to have the life I have been dreaming about and planning.

There was a lot of tears.

I realized that I have no control over some things that happen in my life, but I can choose how I react.  I am doing exactly what the doctor has told me, and will be taking it very easy.  This is going to be hard when I am used to speeding through life at 100 miles an hour.

I am going to reevaluate a few things.  There was a selfish response on Wednesday, and I'm not really proud that it was one of my first thoughts:

I thought about the recovery, and the unknown.  And I thought about relationships.  Who would sign up to deal with these damaged goods?  I was finally to the point where I could entertain the idea of a long-term relationship again.  Why would someone knowingly get involved with me when there was a lot going on.  And I feel it's only fair that people would know what they are getting into.  I am being dramatic again, but I feel like a leper of sorts.

So, this post isn't positive and upbeat.  We all have our rough times in life.  This has been my week.  Really, this has been a flashback of the past three years for me.  The three years I thought I could finally put behind me.

But there is something positive that has come of it.

Events like this do weed out the people that are not invested.  They tell me who wants to stick around, and who can't handle the trouble.  We've seen it in the past already.  So I will take this as an experience that will hopefully show me something new and different about myself, and even those around me.

I have contemplated adapting my 10K goal, but I don't want to change plans yet. It's like giving up. I am not ready for that yet...

And I have seven more months before my birthday. A lot can happen in seven months...

Max Capacity

When was the last time you worked your body to the point of physical exhaustion?  I am not talking about "oh, I am tired." Or feeling a little sore...

I am talking COLLAPSING ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE I CAN'T WALK exhaustion...

I have been training hard, but never as hard as today.  It has been incredibly neat, because my body has been incredibly fickle over these years.  And there are really no guarantees over what will happen for me in the future.  The fact that I could have a workout like today was nothing short of a miracle.

The idea of panting and sweating and collapsing on the floor probably doesn't seem like fun to anyone else, but I celebrated! And I will be back tomorrow...

I am starting my drum lessons tomorrow, and will be booking my hot air balloon ride for April (when the trees are in bloom).  There are a lot of projects in the works. :-)

I Did Return...

I went to bed last night feeling fantastic...

I woke up this morning feeling a little bit sore. ;-)

In reality, the soreness hasn't fully hit yet.  I know it will be sometime tomorrow when I feel like I might die.  So, it was totally great that I went for a cardio workout today, right? :-)

I enjoy having some guidance from a trainer.  I also love that I found this internal motivation.  I don't know how to describe it--I feel a need to reach this athletic goal more than the other goals on the list.  Maybe it is because of the injury and wheelchair time--I want to show that my body can make a miraculous comeback?  Or maybe it is just that I have so much to do in this world, and I need to be fit to get it all done?

I don't know, but do I inspire myself. :-)

I talked to my students today about goals.  I gave them a nice speech about last night's training session, and how I was not allowed to have excuses.  There wasn't a need for them, because they weren't productive.  Any excuse I would spout out wasn't going to make me a better athlete.  Today, I didn't even think of an excuse when I started to get tired.  I knew it wouldn't do me any good--I still had to finish my workout!

So, beyond the obvious health benefits of this project, there have been tremendous emotional supports.  I took a good long look at my list earlier, and started to see how symbolic so many of those items were to me.  They each symbolized a different part of my life that I wanted to get back in order... No... NEEDED to get back in order, so that I could really be at peace and enjoy my existence on this earth.

But that's for another post...

Maybe tomorrow... after Round 2 of Death Camp... :-D

Trainer: Friend or Foe?

I had been toying with the idea for a while. I always thought it was a little strange to have a personal trainer.  Well, not even just for me, but a trainer in general.  I do like to be social, but I really am an individualist.  I like to do things my way and on my own time.  I like running because I can leave with my shoes on and go wherever I please.  My feet and my mind move me, and I get to choose the path. 

So, on my way home from work, I decided to suck it up and stop in at the gym.  I really just wanted to talk to someone about the facilities, and get an idea of what was available for my journey.  The last good walk I took was terribly cold, and I know I will be more motivated if I were in a place that had more light and was a little warmer.

Gyms are interesting places.  I love people-watching, so this is going to be gold for me! As soon as I walked in, I was already noticing behaviors and picking up on what people were saying and the way they were acting. That really could be a whole other blog though... Back to my point...

I told the man in charge that I was interested because I also wanted to force myself to be social. He looked at me surprised, and told me in the past 30 minutes of talking to me that I might have been one of the most social people he had met.  This might be true, but I like to do things on my own. I don't force myself to interact with people as much as I should.  That might have to do with the fact that I deal with "noise" all day?  I am not sure.  I told him I would make great use of any guidance that could be given to me.

He told me that I could more than reach my goal in the time given.  He gave me tons of nutritional guidance, much of which is common sense and some basic science.  It still helps to hear it from another person!  He then told me who I would be working with as my trainer...

A man that works in the military. Yes! A drill sergeant!  I hear he is a very friendly and social guy, but will make me work. Perfect! :-)  I told them I don't work well with women.  It is nothing personal- just a little too cliquey and competitive (nothing personal, ladies!). 

So, tomorrow evening I shall decide if having a trainer is a good thing or a bad thing.  The good thing already is that I have prepared my breakfasts and lunches for the rest of the week so they are easy to grab.  Now I know I will be on track for training.  If I can handle the workouts, I should be good to go!

I will say, in terms of noticing a difference from working out, that I went to work today and had to take a training course in restraint. During that course and in my errand-running afterward, I did an amazing amount of movement, squatting, lifting, and reaching--all that was very effortless.  In the past it would have taken tremendous effort.  My body has already noticed incredible changes!