When Bad Things Happen to Good People

"I would start the book by mentioning that there was a lot of blood, and some broken bones... for much of my life..."  

                                                                                 -random conversation at chain grocery store

I like to observe people, and I like to take in all that is happening around me.  I am a friendly person by nature, and also a curious human.  I do like to converse with people, and I find myself in the most random conversations.  I try to embrace the random, because it usually leads me right where I need to be.

Last night I was speaking to someone about tragedy.  We talked about how some people deal with trauma in healthy productive ways, and others self-destruct.  I wondered if it was family and community support, or genetics, or even personality that made a difference in why some people carried on in spite of unspeakable things, and others curl up at the first sign of trouble.

Losing a child, experiencing a natural disaster, enduring a physical attack, losing a job/family/spouse- all of these things can be devastating.  Some people come out of it in one piece, and even say they are stronger because of the trauma.  There are others that wander around as ghosts of their former selves, and it is as if they started a completely separate life once the tragic event occurred.

Today, as I was going about my daily errands, I participated in the random chitchatting that seems typical now that I want to hear the stories of those around me.  I have found myself asking certain questions, pausing at the right moments, and making mental notes of what I need to write down later.  The reality is that I wish I could make a "time-out" signal, and quickly grab a pen and paper to make notes for the remainder of the conversation.  I don't think this town is ready for this new dimension of strange... So, I try my best to engage in conversation and remember the details for later.

I was asked how my job was treating me, and this same person knew I had been working on a few writing projects.  I casually mentioned the book, and got the classic response: "I have been told I should write a book."  Normally I would grin and wonder when the conversation would be over.  I would laugh to myself and think about telling her how hard it is to be a writer.  But I know this lady's story, and she does have book-worthy material...

She brought up some pretty significant sexual harassment and assault, violence in high school, and a kidnapping and beating.  At this point, it might even skip past book-worthy and move straight to Lifetime movie.  This story started our lengthy discussion about how some people can come out the other side of horrific events, and almost seem better for it.

Are some people just more resilient?  Are there some souls that are just more determined to exist, and to make their lives matter?  I wonder if purpose makes a difference in all of this--when there is a child, or family, or something to live for, then there is a reason to go on.  The easier the mind can process what happened, and make sense of moving forward, then healing can occur.  I am not saying it is easy.  But I am saying it is indeed possible. And luckily this topic is very interesting to me...

I've been swimming in research on traumatic brain injury for some writing projects, and I am amazed at the stories I read.  There are some people that should not be succeeding.  They are beating all sorts of odds and making productive gains in their lives.  I have to believe that these are the people with fighting spirits--they want to live so that their story can be told.  There needs to be a voice for these warriors.

And now there is...  This project has been in the works for a while now, but the wheels are finally in motion.  I have been traveling for interviews and meetings, and writing like crazy.  I do feel that I have had more purpose after my attack, and with each tragedy in my life, I have had exponentially more purpose and drive.  Theoretically, I would be some sort of superhuman at this time in my life (or at least skip to some bonus level), but that is besides the point.  The point is that I recognize that I am a strong, capable woman that sees I need to give a voice to other warriors.  I am glad I have found my purpose, and that is what keeps me moving on.

It's ok to be awed...

 I have to wonder if my life always had this flow and order to it, or if I am creating order to make sense of everything.  Regardless, it is always a comforting feeling to have a balance between order and chaos.

Recently, I have had a lot of conversations with random people about intention.  By random, I mean RANDOM.  People I talk to in stores, friends over drinks, a Greek Orthodox priest...  Everyone had interesting responses to the discussion on intention (including my friend saying "what the hell was your intention in talking to a Greek Orthodox priest?!?).  I wanted to know if people lived purposeful and intentional lives, or if they just meandered about.

I thought about this a lot over the past week--would I want a short life of intention and thought and happiness and intense feelings? or a guaranteed long life of wandering around and randomly bumping into events?

Most definitely I would choose the life of intensity, deliberation and awe.  Life is meant to be enjoyed, studied, contemplated.  And a life of intention and direction seems like a good fit for me.

I was having a conversation with someone last night in a Subway restaurant.  I was in my fiery speech about living a life of purpose and intention.  I went on to say that my life recently has been full of meaning, full of random events (which for me seems to be a result of being intense), and full of fun.  I am happy and content with my life, and am at peace with the future.

"You must have a hard time with long-term relationships."

Yes, someone just said this to me...

An automatic response from anyone would have been to be defensive and ugly.  Instead, I said "do tell," and listened.

He said that I am an incredibly intense and intelligent woman, and that is scary and intimidating to men.  Fair enough.

I started thinking about that, and the different approach I have had on life lately.  I have to wonder what my friends are thinking when they hear my stories.  A lot of them comment that I should write them down, but they have to be silently wondering if I have lost it.  Of course, my friend Debra openly comments that I have lost it. :-)

I will say that I think I am pretty sane.  I guess a person is not a good judge of their own sanity, but I like to think I have a level head.  I just know when to appreciate beauty, when to stop and feel the raindrops instead of running inside, when to stop and watch a sunset, or drive to a random church and stare at a painting of Jesus for an hour.

Intention and intensity are the things I am looking for in my future.  I want to live a life of meaning, and to feel all that is around me.  A day where I can laugh and cry is a day well spent.  I want to feel the words and wisdom around me, drum to the rhythm in life, and cry during the sunset. 

I was at a conference in the autumn, and I remember hearing the speaker say, "It's ok to be AWED."  It took a few minutes for people to realize that the word AWED was in there instead of ODD.  I thought about this for about a week, and it came back to me last night.

Awed means "A mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by authority, genius, great beauty, sublimity, or might."

I can TOTALLY be awed... ;-) 

On Purpose...

The purpose of morality is to teach you, not to suffer and die, but to enjoy yourself and live. ~Ayn Rand

I have thought a lot today about purpose.  Why do we do what we do? And do our actions and speech show purpose?

I teach middle school. I love my job, but I can tell you that there is a lot of time where people do NOT speak with purpose... In fact, I think there are some young people that speak just to hear something.  It isn't just their words--their actions show they have lost purpose in their life.  It is funny that I am more aware about such things once starting this project.

I can tell you that my life is filled with purpose.  It wasn't always that way, though.  In fact, until about five months ago, I felt like my life had little purpose.  I knew I had to exist for my kids, and I needed a job in order to support them.  But I didn't feel a fire inside me... I wasn't excited about life, and I didn't make conscious decisions about my future.  I was living just to get by, and I felt like I was barely holding on.  Life isn't meant for existence--I was meant to thrive!  I knew if I stayed in the same old rut, I would end up miserable (and I was close!).

I made a conscious decision to give my life purpose.  And not just assign purpose, but to find it in all of my actions.  Motive is an interesting thing.  People need something out of every interaction in life.  Once you find the motive, it's easy to see what you are missing in life.  Not only was I orienting myself toward purpose; I was also examining the motives of my actions.

I will be brutally honest for a moment.  I know I was miserable.  I hated my life.  I felt suffocated by everything, and my brain's response was to zone out.  That was no way to even exist.  I hated life, and tried to blame people for causing me to be where I was.  In the end, I realized that I ultimately had a choice over whether I would remain miserable.  I had a choice over everything in my life, and I was tired of sitting by and being miserable that life didn't turn out the way I hoped.

Moving back toward family was probably the best decision I have ever made in my life.  I have gotten so much support, that I have been able to approach all my decisions as whether or not things fill my life with meaning.  I am no longer facing the battle of survival--I am able to make conscious decisions about where I want to go in life, what I want to do in my future, and with whom I want to spend my time.  It has been liberating and very settling at the same time.

This project has caused me to magnify my daily actions, and look for the purpose.  I am examining my world through a completely different lens.  Through the sweat, tears, laughter and pain, I am seeing what a strong, confident, and intelligent woman I have become.  The purpose of these past few months has been a transformation, but it has also been to restore what was rightfully mine.  I got my "self" back. :-)