Update...

I realized earlier this evening that I had not posted my progress in a while.  I actually hadn't posted anything in a while...  I guess it's time for an update!

Surgery is really what put me into a funk. I wasn't thrilled that I would have an extended recovery, and I was really on eggshells until I went to get my post-op ultrasound and had a chance to look at the progress.  This surgery was supposed to free me, and I was not happy that my recovery was going to take longer than expected (since it has been a THREE year process!).

Well, it will be at least three more months before I get some real progress. I have some major swelling left over, but it's supposed to resolve soon.  I am walking daily, and this helps to get everything moving.

I am happy to announce that I am on my way to completing another mission: to learn website design!

I have been walking, talking, and such with a friend, Tom. He works on computer programming for a living, so he has given me a lesson and some pointers on how to layout a website beyond the templates that blogger gives.  I am not saying I want to be an expert in the area- it was just something I always wondered about.  I want to work on creating a site to link my writings, this blog, and some other projects. I will call this mission a near-success, with some actual application meeting my goal. 

The walking has also helped get me moving to get back into training.  I am really not certain what I need to do for my goal to run a 10K.  I know I just need to keep moving and wait to see what happens.  I have little control over anything other than helping myself, and I will do my best.  At the next doctor's appt, I will reevaluate my goal.

I have my stack of books primed and ready for summer break. I am disappointed that I didn't get to read more in the past few months.  Life has kept me extra busy, and I know for the next three weeks I will be treading water.  It is nice to know there is a stack of books that will be waiting for me once I get a break. :-)

I am going to work on arranging the fish catch, and I need to schedule my hot air balloon ride.  I am ready to get out and do those things, now that I am somewhat mobile.

These past two weeks have been incredibly calming.  I have been able to focus on what I need to do, I have been more productive, and I can see that my energy has increased.  It is funny how waves of peace and calm can move through your life.  I really think you don't realize how wonderful it is until you have gone through a storm.  I like the structure and order and calm of my environment, because it was not like that a year ago.  I like having my life back, and I am excited to look at the future.

My daughter's third birthday was Friday, and I thought back over these past three years.  It's been a rough ride, and I wonder at times how I survived.  She has been an incredible presence in my life, and I feel like she was sent to save me.  The other morning I woke up and wrote something for her birthday.  At first I didn't feel like sharing, but it seems like a pretty vital message in the whole scheme of things.

 These Three Years

I waited for my life to change again.

Had enough with change,

and was frankly sick of it all.

Little did I know,

change had just begun.

It would consume me.

My savior-my lifeline

would soon be born.

She was the hope I had dreamed of,

and knew she would rescue me.

She is the spirit of everything

I could ever hope to be.

Everyone says she is my shadow,

my likeness.

As time has moved on,

hair has grown longer,

young faces are older.

Lessons were learned,

both mother and daughter.

My saving grace has walked

beside me through these years.

Through illness, injury, and desertion-

her trusting eyes,

her comforting stroke of my hair,

as I hold her against me at night.

A creature creeps into my room

in early morning.

A whisper:

             "Don't worry Mommy, I'll save you."

My reply:

            "You already have."

Intensity of Emotion

I have to wonder what people want anymore...

People express that they want more excitement in life, and they want something new and novel to laugh and cry and scream at.  They want a wide range of emotions and want to create drama around them.

In the same breath, they take drugs galore to numb themselves because the emotions get to be too much.  Anxiety, depression, and the whole sensory experience itself is an overload, and our brains need a reboot.

I really can't address what I think is reasonable for the rest of the world, nor do I really have the energy to do so.  I know in my own experience, medication makes me numb to pretty much everything.  I know I have a very intense personality, and that can be a great asset.  It can also be a hindrance in some ways.  People either love or hate me, my interests wander all over the place, and it tends to scare many.  I am very interested in many things, and my mind races hundreds of miles an hour.  I like to keep busy and I talk with great intensity about all of my projects and experiences.  If you make it through a conversation with me lately, you will probably think to yourself that my latest hobby is a home laboratory of sorts...

I spoke with a good friend last night about relationships, and about how there are epic highs and miserable lows in any great love story worth telling.  We spoke for a long time about past wrongs, and it was a great conversation over all.  This morning, he thanked me for speaking with him.  I told him I didn't mind at all, and that there was nothing wrong with intensity of emotion.  I believe to be human and take anything from this experience on earth, we have to be able to reach the broad spectrum of emotions.  I can't say I am exactly proud, but I can say I reach the very ends of the spectrum on a regular basis (we haven't determined if this is a good or bad thing).

This made me wonder: what types of people tend to feel these intense emotions? I am sure that writers and other creative thinkers tend to feel emotions in more intense form.  I am curious what other professions tend to experience these emotions, or if it just tends to be personality types, education levels, intelligence levels, etc? Or am I just overthinking it all?

I will admit that I am an incredibly smart individual, but I sit on the ground and watch the clouds and/or stars on a regular basis.  I am moved to tears while driving when thinking of a phrase, song lyric, or piece of art.  I often hear a voice narrating in my head as I move about my day, and it gives a vocal commentary of the story of my life.  I know these things make me quirky, but they also make me incredibly cool.  I enjoy being passionate about teaching and writing and researching.  I love learning and exploring new things.  I love photography and capturing snapshots of history of the world around me.  This intensity is what makes me tick, and I love it.

I can say, without a doubt, that I felt the intensity grow tremendously in these last few months.  It has been a great adventure to try new things, make plans and set goals, and look out into the future.  I have experienced an incredible fear when looking at the world alone again, an incredible sense of contentment as I realized that I could be at peace with myself and who I have become, a strong sense of pride of all that I have accomplished in the face of incredible struggle, and and intense joy while trying new experiences to see what makes me tick, what I can learn, what I DON'T succeed at, and what makes me happy.

Why?

Try to realize it's all within yourself no one else can make you change, and to see you're only very small and life flows on within you and without you.

                                                                          ~George Harrison

When I look back over this past week, I can't help but wonder why things happened.  I know it's human nature to wonder about our existence.  Reality can be scary, and we always want to find reasons for things that happen around us.

We had a student die on Wednesday in a car accident.  It was a terribly rough day for us, as we supported grieving students and staff.  I wondered about why I didn't cry through the entire day.  I figured I was just going into "chaos mode," and would let the tears flow when I got home.  The day went on, and as I lay in bed Wednesday night, I still wondered why I hadn't cried.  I was terribly sad, and memories of past losses flooded back.  Instead of letting the tears flow, I just felt numb.  It was a little scary, but I really wanted sleep. So, I surrendered.

At work Thursday, I already knew I wasn't feeling right. I had a bad headache, my eyes were acting funny, and I just felt weird.  I was also terribly absent-minded, and noticed that I was all out of sorts.  I tried to get into a routine, but it wasn't happening.  My headache got worse, and soon I ended up with a nosebleed and an intense headache.  I kept feeling like I was going to pass out.  When I got up to the board to write something, I immediately knew something was wrong.  I could "feel" my heart, and something wasn't right.  I was never so aware of what was going on, and felt spacey at the same time.  A coworker walked in and noticed I looked flushed. At that point, we decided I would check my blood pressure.  I have never had blood pressure issues, and I am normally on the low side of the blood pressure scale. Still, I knew something wasn't right.

When I got up to the front office, I knew that something was WRONG. My head was moving in slow motion, and my heart was beating funny. It felt like it was a tremendous effort to get words out.  They checked my blood pressure, and it was pretty high. I could sense this feeling that something was going to happen. I told them the ambulance call might not be a bad idea, so they called them in.  The paramedic hooked me up to a bunch of monitors, and did notice one of my heart waves was out of groove.

I decided to head over to see my doctor, so Debra drove me.  We waited to see the doctor, and she noted that I did indeed have a disruption in my heart rhythm.  I was sent to the hospital for more testing, and waited throughout the day for answers.

Long story short: I had some blood abnormalities involving the heart, as well as a concern about my circulation.  I have more testing for this next week, and I have been told to "take it easy." Yes, of course... Especially since my daughter was going to have surgery the next day? Sure...

I will say I was terribly confused that I had heart issues at all, since I have lost an incredible amount of weight, been very active and been eating healthy.  I do know that stress does amazing things to a vulnerable body, and not dealing with sadness is a recipe for disaster.

Friday, we were up bright and early, and Carly had her adenoids removed and tubes in both ears.  This relatively-routine surgery ended up being pretty big when they realized how big her adenoids really were. So, she came home sore, confused and cranky. I had a feeling her recovery was going to be lengthy... I was wrong.

This morning she was up bouncing around the house. She hasn't requested pain medication all day, and has been extremely content.  I wish I had that resilient spirit. :-)

I practiced the drums today, and I do love playing!  I went out to a local music store to talk with the owner as well.  I had such a wonderful time talking about music.  We chatted about drum technique, George Harrison's son Dhani's resemblance on the front of a magazine cover, and about jamming together in the next few days.  There are other well-played musicians involved.  I am terrified...

I was talking to a friend tonight about life. I guess this kind of summed up everything of the past week--losing someone who was important to so many, facing terrifying medical challenges, and dealing with surgery of a small child.  That's a lot of life changes in a few short days.  I looked over the course of the past few months, and how my life has changed dramatically just because I made the conscious decision to LIVE life, and live with intention.  I wanted to LIVE and enjoy the world around me instead of just existing.  I will tell you- it has made a tremendous difference!  I may not understand all that happens around me, and why, but I do know that I am making the very best of all the moments around me.  For that, I am very grateful.

All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.

                                                                        ~George Harrison... again :-)

It's ok to be awed...

 I have to wonder if my life always had this flow and order to it, or if I am creating order to make sense of everything.  Regardless, it is always a comforting feeling to have a balance between order and chaos.

Recently, I have had a lot of conversations with random people about intention.  By random, I mean RANDOM.  People I talk to in stores, friends over drinks, a Greek Orthodox priest...  Everyone had interesting responses to the discussion on intention (including my friend saying "what the hell was your intention in talking to a Greek Orthodox priest?!?).  I wanted to know if people lived purposeful and intentional lives, or if they just meandered about.

I thought about this a lot over the past week--would I want a short life of intention and thought and happiness and intense feelings? or a guaranteed long life of wandering around and randomly bumping into events?

Most definitely I would choose the life of intensity, deliberation and awe.  Life is meant to be enjoyed, studied, contemplated.  And a life of intention and direction seems like a good fit for me.

I was having a conversation with someone last night in a Subway restaurant.  I was in my fiery speech about living a life of purpose and intention.  I went on to say that my life recently has been full of meaning, full of random events (which for me seems to be a result of being intense), and full of fun.  I am happy and content with my life, and am at peace with the future.

"You must have a hard time with long-term relationships."

Yes, someone just said this to me...

An automatic response from anyone would have been to be defensive and ugly.  Instead, I said "do tell," and listened.

He said that I am an incredibly intense and intelligent woman, and that is scary and intimidating to men.  Fair enough.

I started thinking about that, and the different approach I have had on life lately.  I have to wonder what my friends are thinking when they hear my stories.  A lot of them comment that I should write them down, but they have to be silently wondering if I have lost it.  Of course, my friend Debra openly comments that I have lost it. :-)

I will say that I think I am pretty sane.  I guess a person is not a good judge of their own sanity, but I like to think I have a level head.  I just know when to appreciate beauty, when to stop and feel the raindrops instead of running inside, when to stop and watch a sunset, or drive to a random church and stare at a painting of Jesus for an hour.

Intention and intensity are the things I am looking for in my future.  I want to live a life of meaning, and to feel all that is around me.  A day where I can laugh and cry is a day well spent.  I want to feel the words and wisdom around me, drum to the rhythm in life, and cry during the sunset. 

I was at a conference in the autumn, and I remember hearing the speaker say, "It's ok to be AWED."  It took a few minutes for people to realize that the word AWED was in there instead of ODD.  I thought about this for about a week, and it came back to me last night.

Awed means "A mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by authority, genius, great beauty, sublimity, or might."

I can TOTALLY be awed... ;-)