I have to wonder if my life always had this flow and order to it, or if I am creating order to make sense of everything. Regardless, it is always a comforting feeling to have a balance between order and chaos.
Recently, I have had a lot of conversations with random people about intention. By random, I mean RANDOM. People I talk to in stores, friends over drinks, a Greek Orthodox priest... Everyone had interesting responses to the discussion on intention (including my friend saying "what the hell was your intention in talking to a Greek Orthodox priest?!?). I wanted to know if people lived purposeful and intentional lives, or if they just meandered about.
I thought about this a lot over the past week--would I want a short life of intention and thought and happiness and intense feelings? or a guaranteed long life of wandering around and randomly bumping into events?
Most definitely I would choose the life of intensity, deliberation and awe. Life is meant to be enjoyed, studied, contemplated. And a life of intention and direction seems like a good fit for me.
I was having a conversation with someone last night in a Subway restaurant. I was in my fiery speech about living a life of purpose and intention. I went on to say that my life recently has been full of meaning, full of random events (which for me seems to be a result of being intense), and full of fun. I am happy and content with my life, and am at peace with the future.
"You must have a hard time with long-term relationships."
Yes, someone just said this to me...
An automatic response from anyone would have been to be defensive and ugly. Instead, I said "do tell," and listened.
He said that I am an incredibly intense and intelligent woman, and that is scary and intimidating to men. Fair enough.
I started thinking about that, and the different approach I have had on life lately. I have to wonder what my friends are thinking when they hear my stories. A lot of them comment that I should write them down, but they have to be silently wondering if I have lost it. Of course, my friend Debra openly comments that I have lost it. :-)
I will say that I think I am pretty sane. I guess a person is not a good judge of their own sanity, but I like to think I have a level head. I just know when to appreciate beauty, when to stop and feel the raindrops instead of running inside, when to stop and watch a sunset, or drive to a random church and stare at a painting of Jesus for an hour.
Intention and intensity are the things I am looking for in my future. I want to live a life of meaning, and to feel all that is around me. A day where I can laugh and cry is a day well spent. I want to feel the words and wisdom around me, drum to the rhythm in life, and cry during the sunset.
I was at a conference in the autumn, and I remember hearing the speaker say, "It's ok to be AWED." It took a few minutes for people to realize that the word AWED was in there instead of ODD. I thought about this for about a week, and it came back to me last night.
Awed means "A mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by authority, genius, great beauty, sublimity, or might."
I can TOTALLY be awed... ;-)