Intensity of Emotion

I have to wonder what people want anymore...

People express that they want more excitement in life, and they want something new and novel to laugh and cry and scream at.  They want a wide range of emotions and want to create drama around them.

In the same breath, they take drugs galore to numb themselves because the emotions get to be too much.  Anxiety, depression, and the whole sensory experience itself is an overload, and our brains need a reboot.

I really can't address what I think is reasonable for the rest of the world, nor do I really have the energy to do so.  I know in my own experience, medication makes me numb to pretty much everything.  I know I have a very intense personality, and that can be a great asset.  It can also be a hindrance in some ways.  People either love or hate me, my interests wander all over the place, and it tends to scare many.  I am very interested in many things, and my mind races hundreds of miles an hour.  I like to keep busy and I talk with great intensity about all of my projects and experiences.  If you make it through a conversation with me lately, you will probably think to yourself that my latest hobby is a home laboratory of sorts...

I spoke with a good friend last night about relationships, and about how there are epic highs and miserable lows in any great love story worth telling.  We spoke for a long time about past wrongs, and it was a great conversation over all.  This morning, he thanked me for speaking with him.  I told him I didn't mind at all, and that there was nothing wrong with intensity of emotion.  I believe to be human and take anything from this experience on earth, we have to be able to reach the broad spectrum of emotions.  I can't say I am exactly proud, but I can say I reach the very ends of the spectrum on a regular basis (we haven't determined if this is a good or bad thing).

This made me wonder: what types of people tend to feel these intense emotions? I am sure that writers and other creative thinkers tend to feel emotions in more intense form.  I am curious what other professions tend to experience these emotions, or if it just tends to be personality types, education levels, intelligence levels, etc? Or am I just overthinking it all?

I will admit that I am an incredibly smart individual, but I sit on the ground and watch the clouds and/or stars on a regular basis.  I am moved to tears while driving when thinking of a phrase, song lyric, or piece of art.  I often hear a voice narrating in my head as I move about my day, and it gives a vocal commentary of the story of my life.  I know these things make me quirky, but they also make me incredibly cool.  I enjoy being passionate about teaching and writing and researching.  I love learning and exploring new things.  I love photography and capturing snapshots of history of the world around me.  This intensity is what makes me tick, and I love it.

I can say, without a doubt, that I felt the intensity grow tremendously in these last few months.  It has been a great adventure to try new things, make plans and set goals, and look out into the future.  I have experienced an incredible fear when looking at the world alone again, an incredible sense of contentment as I realized that I could be at peace with myself and who I have become, a strong sense of pride of all that I have accomplished in the face of incredible struggle, and and intense joy while trying new experiences to see what makes me tick, what I can learn, what I DON'T succeed at, and what makes me happy.

It's ok to be awed...

 I have to wonder if my life always had this flow and order to it, or if I am creating order to make sense of everything.  Regardless, it is always a comforting feeling to have a balance between order and chaos.

Recently, I have had a lot of conversations with random people about intention.  By random, I mean RANDOM.  People I talk to in stores, friends over drinks, a Greek Orthodox priest...  Everyone had interesting responses to the discussion on intention (including my friend saying "what the hell was your intention in talking to a Greek Orthodox priest?!?).  I wanted to know if people lived purposeful and intentional lives, or if they just meandered about.

I thought about this a lot over the past week--would I want a short life of intention and thought and happiness and intense feelings? or a guaranteed long life of wandering around and randomly bumping into events?

Most definitely I would choose the life of intensity, deliberation and awe.  Life is meant to be enjoyed, studied, contemplated.  And a life of intention and direction seems like a good fit for me.

I was having a conversation with someone last night in a Subway restaurant.  I was in my fiery speech about living a life of purpose and intention.  I went on to say that my life recently has been full of meaning, full of random events (which for me seems to be a result of being intense), and full of fun.  I am happy and content with my life, and am at peace with the future.

"You must have a hard time with long-term relationships."

Yes, someone just said this to me...

An automatic response from anyone would have been to be defensive and ugly.  Instead, I said "do tell," and listened.

He said that I am an incredibly intense and intelligent woman, and that is scary and intimidating to men.  Fair enough.

I started thinking about that, and the different approach I have had on life lately.  I have to wonder what my friends are thinking when they hear my stories.  A lot of them comment that I should write them down, but they have to be silently wondering if I have lost it.  Of course, my friend Debra openly comments that I have lost it. :-)

I will say that I think I am pretty sane.  I guess a person is not a good judge of their own sanity, but I like to think I have a level head.  I just know when to appreciate beauty, when to stop and feel the raindrops instead of running inside, when to stop and watch a sunset, or drive to a random church and stare at a painting of Jesus for an hour.

Intention and intensity are the things I am looking for in my future.  I want to live a life of meaning, and to feel all that is around me.  A day where I can laugh and cry is a day well spent.  I want to feel the words and wisdom around me, drum to the rhythm in life, and cry during the sunset. 

I was at a conference in the autumn, and I remember hearing the speaker say, "It's ok to be AWED."  It took a few minutes for people to realize that the word AWED was in there instead of ODD.  I thought about this for about a week, and it came back to me last night.

Awed means "A mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by authority, genius, great beauty, sublimity, or might."

I can TOTALLY be awed... ;-)