Progress Update

It's been a while since I have updated the progress of my list.  It's always in my mind, but I guess I get talking about other things.  My mind has never been able to section off areas, so it seems that all of these projects mingle together.

So far I have completed four items on the list, and have been reading some of my "great works of literature."

When I told my National Honor Society group that I have never caught a fish, they wanted to plan a fishing trip as one of their summer social activities. That would be quite a way to remember the task!

I am going to be meeting with my friend Becca to work on decorating the cake, so that project will be complete by May.

I have made tremendous progress in learning to play a variety of drum beats (though elementary). I have met my goal, but continue to practice. I want to get better, and it's FUN!!!

I need to call and book my reservation for the hot air balloon. A gift certificate has been reserved in my name. :-)

Road trip will be taking place at the end of May/beginning of June. I am not sure about my path yet, but it will be nice and free... Just the way a road trip needs to be! 

I need to figure out a way to learn to better create a website. I know there are manuals and such, but I am hoping to find someone that can give me some guidance. For all of my writing information, I'd like to have a central site. Besides, all of the fan mail is just getting jumbled right now... :-) There needs to be a clear process to address this...

I decided I am going to eat vegetarian in the summer, when produce is in abundance in the area, and I will have time to plan some exciting meals. 

I am working on how I am going to raise $1,000 for charity.  I'd like to come up with something creative and memorable, so I am going to keep thinking hard on this...

Fly first-class? I wish I had an airline hookup... I am taking a trip to Seattle probably this summer... I did think of amending the flying first-class to renting an awesome car for the road trip (thinking convertible). Same cost would be there, and I could benefit from having: a)dependable transportation on my trip, b) the opportunity to let the wind blow through my hair with my sunglasses on...

Then there's the running goal... If you read my post from earlier today, you will know that I am a bit down about it.  I am not sure what I will be able to do in the next seven months.  I wonder if I should downscale it to a 5K? Or keep the goal and agree to walk part of it?  I want to meet my goals and dreams, but I also don't want to cause myself any injury.  There has to be a balance, and I need to know some limits.  I sound so logical about this, but inside I am a real mess on this goal...

And the bottle of wine? That will be saved for the night of my birthday! Unless someone is dying to take me out for a drink before...

Here's the list, to remind everyone why I am even on here:

Michelle's 15 Before 30:

1. Learn to play the drums.
2. Read ten great works of literature.
3. Catch a fish.
4. Learn how to create a website.
5. Run a 10K.
6. Learn how to decorate a cake.
7. Learn 20 words in Italian.
8. Fly first-class.
9. Eat vegetarian for one month... and enjoy it! :-)
10. Ride a hot air balloon.
11. Take a road trip.
12. Raise $1,000 for a charity.
13. Karaoke... in public...
14. Buy and drink a REALLY expensive bottle of wine.
15. Get in much better physical shape- making my numbers look much better at my physical before 30.

Where Do I Go From Here?

For the past two days, I have been at a gifted education conference for differentiated instruction.  It seems like I returned from one trip to unpack, do laundry, attend work for a few days, then ship out again.  For this conference, I brought along high expectations of uncovering more secrets about myself.

For those of you that didn't know me when I was younger, I was pretty darn gifted.  I was an extremely intelligent and motivated creature, and always had a willingness to push farther and reach lofty goals.  Looking at me now: I am still motivated, and pretty darn persistent.  I worry that the "giftedness" is gone though.  I know that a lot of information came back to me post-accident, but it seems my processing just isn't as quick as it used to be.  My mother commented that it's probably only noticeable to me--that most people still see me as sharp and able to do incredible things.  Gee, thanks mom... I think you HAVE to say that... :-)

Anyway, back to the conference.  While I was there, I met incredibly interesting people and brought a wealth of information home to use on creating a motivating and autonomous environment for my students.  It really made me reflect on what made me so different from some kids I teach.  My upbringing wasn't perfect--we lived in poverty in the beginning.  My parents each worked multiple jobs for us to get by, and I have plenty of pictures of myself as a toddler resembling "trailer trash."  One of the differences I noticed was that there were always books EVERYWHERE.  I remember taking the TCAP test survey and commenting that I had more books than the largest choice on the survey, and wondered what I was supposed to choose for an answer.  I also know that my parents were excited and motivated to learn, and weren't afraid of making mistakes.  I believe this was a major difference in how I ended up being so freakin' awesome.  They taught me to get out there and explore--the worst thing that could happen was that I failed.  At least it would be fun along the way!

I wish I could say that's how it really happened.  In reality, I was a fairly tightly-wound young person.  I wanted everything perfect, and I was terrified of making a mistake.  I was afraid of the world around me, but I desperately wanted to join it.  I was intimidated by college, because I knew there were people smarter than me and I wouldn't always be the best.  I didn't really know my "place" in everything, and it scared me.  I craved order and hierarchy. Mass chaos was terrifying.

The accident was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.  I know it's strange to say, but I learned to loosen up, take risks, make mistakes, and enjoy life.  I learned to try new things and explore the world around me.  I broke out of my shell and decided that I was going to get involved in everything I could get my hands on.  I will tell you that many days I am exhausted, but I am ENJOYING life.  It's really a great concept. More people should do it.... :-)

I glanced at my calendar at the start of the conference today... March 16th... That means 8 months until I turn 30.  I have 8 months to complete my list.  I can't believe all of the cool things I have done so far, and I still have 8 months to go!  I am still working on the race and reading my list of books (I need to start updating on my progress).  Drum lessons have gone smashingly (yes, pun intended), and I am lining up my road trip and fish-catching excursion.  I am working on all the other adventures as well, and have quite a great 8 months planned.

And more great news? I had been working on a writing project. Actually it's a book idea, and I traveled to talk with people about the project.  I have been put in contact with publishers, and people are arranging interviews.  Everything seems to fall into place for this project, mostly because I believe they are stories that need to be told, and people do want to read them.  I also feel that a fine legacy of mine would be to publish stories for people to read for generations to come.  I am beyond thrilled of this opportunity, and wonder if I will get to sleep tonight. :-)

I also got accepted into graduate school for a second Masters Degree.  Now that I have so many great options, I need to start making decisions.  Life is a process, and I know there's time to get everything done.  No rush- I am more about the journey than the destination.

I am now looking out into the future, and can't even imagine all of my options.  Ultimately, I have every choice in the world laid before me.  Every day I ask myself, "where will I go from here?"

Why?

Try to realize it's all within yourself no one else can make you change, and to see you're only very small and life flows on within you and without you.

                                                                          ~George Harrison

When I look back over this past week, I can't help but wonder why things happened.  I know it's human nature to wonder about our existence.  Reality can be scary, and we always want to find reasons for things that happen around us.

We had a student die on Wednesday in a car accident.  It was a terribly rough day for us, as we supported grieving students and staff.  I wondered about why I didn't cry through the entire day.  I figured I was just going into "chaos mode," and would let the tears flow when I got home.  The day went on, and as I lay in bed Wednesday night, I still wondered why I hadn't cried.  I was terribly sad, and memories of past losses flooded back.  Instead of letting the tears flow, I just felt numb.  It was a little scary, but I really wanted sleep. So, I surrendered.

At work Thursday, I already knew I wasn't feeling right. I had a bad headache, my eyes were acting funny, and I just felt weird.  I was also terribly absent-minded, and noticed that I was all out of sorts.  I tried to get into a routine, but it wasn't happening.  My headache got worse, and soon I ended up with a nosebleed and an intense headache.  I kept feeling like I was going to pass out.  When I got up to the board to write something, I immediately knew something was wrong.  I could "feel" my heart, and something wasn't right.  I was never so aware of what was going on, and felt spacey at the same time.  A coworker walked in and noticed I looked flushed. At that point, we decided I would check my blood pressure.  I have never had blood pressure issues, and I am normally on the low side of the blood pressure scale. Still, I knew something wasn't right.

When I got up to the front office, I knew that something was WRONG. My head was moving in slow motion, and my heart was beating funny. It felt like it was a tremendous effort to get words out.  They checked my blood pressure, and it was pretty high. I could sense this feeling that something was going to happen. I told them the ambulance call might not be a bad idea, so they called them in.  The paramedic hooked me up to a bunch of monitors, and did notice one of my heart waves was out of groove.

I decided to head over to see my doctor, so Debra drove me.  We waited to see the doctor, and she noted that I did indeed have a disruption in my heart rhythm.  I was sent to the hospital for more testing, and waited throughout the day for answers.

Long story short: I had some blood abnormalities involving the heart, as well as a concern about my circulation.  I have more testing for this next week, and I have been told to "take it easy." Yes, of course... Especially since my daughter was going to have surgery the next day? Sure...

I will say I was terribly confused that I had heart issues at all, since I have lost an incredible amount of weight, been very active and been eating healthy.  I do know that stress does amazing things to a vulnerable body, and not dealing with sadness is a recipe for disaster.

Friday, we were up bright and early, and Carly had her adenoids removed and tubes in both ears.  This relatively-routine surgery ended up being pretty big when they realized how big her adenoids really were. So, she came home sore, confused and cranky. I had a feeling her recovery was going to be lengthy... I was wrong.

This morning she was up bouncing around the house. She hasn't requested pain medication all day, and has been extremely content.  I wish I had that resilient spirit. :-)

I practiced the drums today, and I do love playing!  I went out to a local music store to talk with the owner as well.  I had such a wonderful time talking about music.  We chatted about drum technique, George Harrison's son Dhani's resemblance on the front of a magazine cover, and about jamming together in the next few days.  There are other well-played musicians involved.  I am terrified...

I was talking to a friend tonight about life. I guess this kind of summed up everything of the past week--losing someone who was important to so many, facing terrifying medical challenges, and dealing with surgery of a small child.  That's a lot of life changes in a few short days.  I looked over the course of the past few months, and how my life has changed dramatically just because I made the conscious decision to LIVE life, and live with intention.  I wanted to LIVE and enjoy the world around me instead of just existing.  I will tell you- it has made a tremendous difference!  I may not understand all that happens around me, and why, but I do know that I am making the very best of all the moments around me.  For that, I am very grateful.

All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.

                                                                        ~George Harrison... again :-)

Max Capacity

When was the last time you worked your body to the point of physical exhaustion?  I am not talking about "oh, I am tired." Or feeling a little sore...

I am talking COLLAPSING ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE I CAN'T WALK exhaustion...

I have been training hard, but never as hard as today.  It has been incredibly neat, because my body has been incredibly fickle over these years.  And there are really no guarantees over what will happen for me in the future.  The fact that I could have a workout like today was nothing short of a miracle.

The idea of panting and sweating and collapsing on the floor probably doesn't seem like fun to anyone else, but I celebrated! And I will be back tomorrow...

I am starting my drum lessons tomorrow, and will be booking my hot air balloon ride for April (when the trees are in bloom).  There are a lot of projects in the works. :-)

Lose Control

For all of my life, I was only happy when I was in control.  I was a bit high-strung as a child, and I liked to know what was going on all of the time.  My parents joked that when I was a baby, they had to "crank my swing" and bring me in whatever room they were working in.  I always needed to have contact with people, and needed to feel like I had control of the situation.

That's probably where I developed an unhealthy fascination with numbers.  I will admit that as a child, I would add up numbers in license plates and on random items, and felt comfort when the numbers made sense.  I told this to my trainer yesterday while I was running, and he laughed.  He said it was pretty strange, and he joked that I clung to numbers because "they wouldn't fail me."  It was funny, but also true.  Math always had an answer, and there was no gray area; I could always maintain control.

As I grew up, there were many areas of my life that I kept under wraps.  I always wanted to do the best in school, I could never make a grade that was less than perfect, and I had a very solid and organized plan of what I wanted to do with my life.

Once I got out of school, I realized I was miserable.  I was grasping at everything I could- trying to control SOMETHING in my life.  I didn't know what I wanted to be when I "grew up," there were expectations to become something fancy, and I didn't feel like I ever fit in.  I became fixated on my body, and an eating disorder began.

I figured if I could control everything I put in my mouth, I would have control over my life.  And the more I exercised, that showed me that I had the "perfect" willpower and determination.  I knew I was miserable, but it was hard to let go of that illusion of control.

Flash forward to today...  I have already admitted that part of the problem in the past few years is that I felt suffocated, and that every decision I wanted to make to move forward only put me further behind.  It was killing my perfectionist personality.  Throw in a few curveballs life tossed my way, and I was a pretty hot mess.  I knew I was hard to deal with, and that is probably why my brain took short "breaks" on a daily basis.

What I have realized in the past few months: I have very little control over anything.  I can't control people; all I can do is give my input and expectations and hope for the best.  I can't control  the world around me- people will always be there to make me happy and also disappoint.  As much as I try to make good choices about my health, I have learned to go with the flow and accept where my medical history will lead me.

I can control how I approach each day, and I have every ability to control the way I treat those around me.  I have complete control over exposing my life to more education, culture and variety.  I can choose to be around content, supportive and inspiring people.  And I will succeed in growing as a person.  I don't have incredible expectations for transformation.  I know I am a "work in progress."

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." ~Mario Andretti

I love that quote. :-)

And I begin drum lessons next Wednesday!

Ah, the significance...

Since it is raining outside, and I am on a "recovery day," today would be the perfect day to tell you about the significance of each of my goals.

Now, keep in mind that I did not sit down and put weeks of thought into these goals.  But also, anyone that knows me for more than a minute will know that everything I say and do means something (even the random things).  So, looking at this list is actually intriguing, because it shows where there are obvious gaps and room for healing in my life.

"Learn to play the drums" This is interesting because I was in band for several years, so I have a good concept of music.  I also play music CONSTANTLY (of all varieties), and there is always music on my mind.  I don't know how I had survived this many years without learning to play.  The idea for this task came about when I found a unit teaching math with drumming.  I attempted to even play some basic drumming beats, and found that my rhythm was severely off.  Anyone that knows me well would also know that I was born without rhythm. ;-)  This shall indeed be a challenge!

Learning Italian has always been an interest of mine.  I have always been fascinated with the country, the culture, and the language.  I think there is definitely a longing I have to travel to another country, or even to disappear for a while.  To be even swept up in another world.  For now, I will attempt to learn my phrases.

Catching a fish is something basic that I guess I just never got around to?  I guess it really is important to me because I have always lived life with one foot in the outdoors, and the other curled up with a book.  I have been whitewater canoeing and camping since I was a small child, and I am confused as to how I got this far in life without catching a fish?  My students are very concerned with this, and rest assured this task will be complete by spring. :-)

Designing a website was chosen to make me less scared of computers... Yes, you can laugh...  I use them often, and I will say I like what they have to offer, but there is nothing like the old school feeling of a book in your hands or a pen to paper.  I know I am too young to be saying all of this, and I need to get with it.  I also have a lot of practical needs for website design, and know I could use it for classroom projects and other things.  It is also just a good skill I can have, and something I can say I did. :-)

The karaoke in public goal was designed to get me up in front of a group of people.  It was not designed for public humiliation, though it may have turned out that way...  I did sing in front of about thirty middle and high school students for about six songs, which really took me from terrified to only halfway scared.  One kid is always a critic at school, but he told me at the end of my rendition of I Will Survive, "Ms. Winn, I can respect you now." Good stuff...

Reading the ten great works of literature is really just to get me reading good stuff again.  I do read all the time.  I mean ALL the time...  I read for fun, I read for work, I read a couple of hours out of every day.  I just wanted to push myself to read more of things that will have an impact on my life and on my teaching.  I met a guy and was talking to him about books.  I asked him what he liked to read, and he said "I'm actually taking a break from reading right now..."  Is that possible? And did he just say that to a TEACHER???

Traveling to another country and traveling first class are meant to get me back out in the world again, and to treat myself right.  I have always been a dreamer and a goal-setter, and it is time that I did what I could to make my dreams happen.  And I might as well go there in style, right? ;-)

Eating vegetarian for a month and enjoying it...  I was actually vegetarian for quite a while... I can't say I enjoyed it terribly much.  I didn't really have a love for vegetables until fairly recently, and I can say now that when I attempt this again, I will be trying tons of different foods and doing it right. :-)

We have already touched on the running goal, but it is good enough to be said again.  When someone spends periods not being able to walk, it is pretty awesome to be able to run!!  I will tell you that this training (even though it has only been four days) has been some of the hardest work I have done in my life.  I think this goal has been a project in itself!  I will go ahead and say that this goal will more than make my last goal of making all of my "physical" numbers better by my birthday.  The doctor has already been singing praises since I have lost weight, and it is only going to get better.  She is very aware of my workout requirements, and is working with me on managing my fibromyalgia during this training.  The interesting thing I have heard is the body actually responds better to intense training.  It's almost like it has overload, so it doesn't respond to the mini-stressors like it would in everyday life.

In reality, I think I am just too terribly sore from pushing my body... I don't notice the fibromyalgia anymore...

So, I know I have missed some of the goals, but I don't want to write a novel.  I will talk about the rest of them on my next day off from training.  Tomorrow I train with Jesse, and he will work me hard.  I will hopefully be able to walk to my car when I am done...  He's great in motivating and teaching me technique, but he also doesn't let me make excuses.  And that is exactly what I need right now.