Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Lose Control

For all of my life, I was only happy when I was in control.  I was a bit high-strung as a child, and I liked to know what was going on all of the time.  My parents joked that when I was a baby, they had to "crank my swing" and bring me in whatever room they were working in.  I always needed to have contact with people, and needed to feel like I had control of the situation.

That's probably where I developed an unhealthy fascination with numbers.  I will admit that as a child, I would add up numbers in license plates and on random items, and felt comfort when the numbers made sense.  I told this to my trainer yesterday while I was running, and he laughed.  He said it was pretty strange, and he joked that I clung to numbers because "they wouldn't fail me."  It was funny, but also true.  Math always had an answer, and there was no gray area; I could always maintain control.

As I grew up, there were many areas of my life that I kept under wraps.  I always wanted to do the best in school, I could never make a grade that was less than perfect, and I had a very solid and organized plan of what I wanted to do with my life.

Once I got out of school, I realized I was miserable.  I was grasping at everything I could- trying to control SOMETHING in my life.  I didn't know what I wanted to be when I "grew up," there were expectations to become something fancy, and I didn't feel like I ever fit in.  I became fixated on my body, and an eating disorder began.

I figured if I could control everything I put in my mouth, I would have control over my life.  And the more I exercised, that showed me that I had the "perfect" willpower and determination.  I knew I was miserable, but it was hard to let go of that illusion of control.

Flash forward to today...  I have already admitted that part of the problem in the past few years is that I felt suffocated, and that every decision I wanted to make to move forward only put me further behind.  It was killing my perfectionist personality.  Throw in a few curveballs life tossed my way, and I was a pretty hot mess.  I knew I was hard to deal with, and that is probably why my brain took short "breaks" on a daily basis.

What I have realized in the past few months: I have very little control over anything.  I can't control people; all I can do is give my input and expectations and hope for the best.  I can't control  the world around me- people will always be there to make me happy and also disappoint.  As much as I try to make good choices about my health, I have learned to go with the flow and accept where my medical history will lead me.

I can control how I approach each day, and I have every ability to control the way I treat those around me.  I have complete control over exposing my life to more education, culture and variety.  I can choose to be around content, supportive and inspiring people.  And I will succeed in growing as a person.  I don't have incredible expectations for transformation.  I know I am a "work in progress."

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." ~Mario Andretti

I love that quote. :-)

And I begin drum lessons next Wednesday!

No comments:

Post a Comment