For all of my life, I was only happy when I was in control. I was a bit high-strung as a child, and I liked to know what was going on all of the time. My parents joked that when I was a baby, they had to "crank my swing" and bring me in whatever room they were working in. I always needed to have contact with people, and needed to feel like I had control of the situation.
That's probably where I developed an unhealthy fascination with numbers. I will admit that as a child, I would add up numbers in license plates and on random items, and felt comfort when the numbers made sense. I told this to my trainer yesterday while I was running, and he laughed. He said it was pretty strange, and he joked that I clung to numbers because "they wouldn't fail me." It was funny, but also true. Math always had an answer, and there was no gray area; I could always maintain control.
As I grew up, there were many areas of my life that I kept under wraps. I always wanted to do the best in school, I could never make a grade that was less than perfect, and I had a very solid and organized plan of what I wanted to do with my life.
Once I got out of school, I realized I was miserable. I was grasping at everything I could- trying to control SOMETHING in my life. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I "grew up," there were expectations to become something fancy, and I didn't feel like I ever fit in. I became fixated on my body, and an eating disorder began.
I figured if I could control everything I put in my mouth, I would have control over my life. And the more I exercised, that showed me that I had the "perfect" willpower and determination. I knew I was miserable, but it was hard to let go of that illusion of control.
Flash forward to today... I have already admitted that part of the problem in the past few years is that I felt suffocated, and that every decision I wanted to make to move forward only put me further behind. It was killing my perfectionist personality. Throw in a few curveballs life tossed my way, and I was a pretty hot mess. I knew I was hard to deal with, and that is probably why my brain took short "breaks" on a daily basis.
What I have realized in the past few months: I have very little control over anything. I can't control people; all I can do is give my input and expectations and hope for the best. I can't control the world around me- people will always be there to make me happy and also disappoint. As much as I try to make good choices about my health, I have learned to go with the flow and accept where my medical history will lead me.
I can control how I approach each day, and I have every ability to control the way I treat those around me. I have complete control over exposing my life to more education, culture and variety. I can choose to be around content, supportive and inspiring people. And I will succeed in growing as a person. I don't have incredible expectations for transformation. I know I am a "work in progress."
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." ~Mario Andretti
I love that quote. :-)
And I begin drum lessons next Wednesday!