The Start of Another Year

I wanted to write a nice reflective piece about how the past year has been one of significant evolution. I wanted to write this eloquent piece on the anniversary of my moving back to Tullahoma, and talk about all of the events.

Then I ended up with a 103.8 fever, so I decided on Plan B...

This past week, I ended up with some sort of illness.  Over the years, I have really stopped trying to pinpoint exactly what I have each time (mostly because it will end up driving me mad). I don't know if I can remember being so miserable in my life (which really says a lot when you know about the level of daily pain I have).  I felt delirious from fever, everything in my body hurt at a level I had never felt, and I couldn't swallow. Even drinking small amounts of fluids caused me tremendous pain.

I continued to go to work, because I knew I needed to hear what was going on before school started.  I also knew I am a single parent, and can't afford to give up sick days unless absolutely necessary.  So, I minimized my risk at work, decided not to lick anyone for those days, and sat through meetings while I shivered.

Now that I made it through the week and am feeling somewhat normal, I can get back to my original intention.  I wanted to look back over this year...

I remember a little over a year ago: I packed up my necessary belongings, two children and a dog, and moved to Tullahoma.  The car overheated on the way, and I wondered if I was going to make it to my parents' house in one piece.  I was moving in about twelve hours before starting my new job, and took enough clothing and personal items to last us a few weeks.  We would be moving the remainder of the house two weeks later.  

Well, the two weeks turned into a month, and eventually we just wanted to get everything to Tullahoma.  It's hard to "start over" when everything happens in stuck stages.  What I mean is that the moment of me driving down the road toward Tullahoma- THAT should have been starting over.  But I knew I was in limbo until I had my belongings.  

Then fighting moving companies and packing up everything by hand (and with the help of incredible neighbors and family!).  I remember finally driving away from the old house and FINALLY realizing I never had to go back to that place... There were a lot of rough memories there, and it was a great feeling to let go.

A few months later, the divorce was final. Another pivotal moment when I walked out of the courthouse and realized that I was finally free.  I had done a lot on my own for quite some time.  But I was finally ON MY OWN.  Some people feel terrified after a divorce is final.  I felt liberated...

And it was after this time, I decided to put this project into full-force.  I had a list floating around in my head, but it took the divorce being over for me to realize my life was ultimately up to me now.  I had two children to care for, but I didn't have anyone to answer to.  I didn't have anyone to tell me that a place was "too far," or an idea was "too crazy," or we didn't "have time" to try something.  There were no more excuses.

And so I began this journey. It really had everything to do with me--what I wanted, what I needed, and what would heal my soul.  There was an awful lot of hurt that had been piling from years of events, and I needed time to sift.  This really had little to do with the divorce, and more to do with recovering from my injury.  I realized I didn't have time to deal with the injury because I was enduring a miserable existence at that time.  I believe the brain is an awesome tool, and it only lets you deal with little bits of information at a time.  If you had to deal with the reality all at once, you would most certainly go crazy.

I didn't have the advantage of having a fully-functioning brain.  

So, I had a flood.

And I felt like I went crazy.  Never in front of others, and it was never noticed.  I just felt like who I was slipped away and returned frequently.  I am not sure who was there, filling the void, during all the other times. I know my eyes looked vacant often, and I imagine those were the times my soul attempted a vacation.

I try to be optimistic and enthusiastic on here. I. try.

Let me say briefly: recovering from a brain injury can be maddening.  There are days three years later that I don't remember a connection I have with someone.  I wake up and don't remember that I love this person? I can stand next to someone, and have to question my exact feelings, because my mind has to remind me how I am supposed to feel. It isn't depression or any sort of mental flatness.  I can't remember who I am connected to and who I am not.

This doesn't happen often, so I hope people don't read that and think I am on the edge of doom here...

But it happens enough to make me very afraid.

And the other part that has been hard? The recovery of my muscles.  For every two months forward, it's one to three months back. I have been working and training, and then resting and moving again.  I wonder if my training did any good, since I ended up with two surgeries and one leg that will never be the same.  In fact, the surgeon is now referring me to a manager for the pain, because a resulting condition from the surgery has no cure.  As long as I have the condition, I will have the miserable agony.  And I will have the miserable condition forever.  Fan-freakin'-tastic...

I do have to pick myself up out of this hole now and focus on the positive of the year.  Any more of the miserable, and I could be stuck for quite a long time...

In the winter, I did meet a most fantastic man.  I will say I was skeptical of the idea of connecting with someone again.  I had an almost analytical approach to dating, and tried to sell myself on all of the reasons I didn't really even need to worry about finding someone.  The reality: penguins have it figured out. They find a mate, and stick with them.  It's better for their physical well-being, emotional security, and sanity.  Being a pair and having a bond with someone is incredibly important.  I get it now.

So, through these months, life has seemed to evolve for Tom and me. I have pushed through these goals, we have taken a lot of walks, had a lot of talks, and tried briefly to solve some of the world's problems.  I appreciate that he endures my enthusiasm for many topics, that he encourages my ideas, and is patient on the days I am feeling rough. I will say that last part was the major reason I really thought about not dating for a long time.  I know I was in pretty bad shape after the accident.  I know it will never be that bad again, but I also never want to be a burden like that for someone.  

I know that none of us can control what will happen in life.  If something happened to him, I would of course do what I needed to do to care for him, and not think much of it.  I guess it was a lot for me to expect someone to do the same.  I'm not sure why, and a therapist would probably have a field day with that revelation...

In a little over 100 days, I will turn 30.  That really doesn't seem like a lot once I write that number.  I still have quite a few projects to mark off the list before the big day.  It seems that life has changed drastically in the past year, and there are many more memories to make in the next hundred days. 

And as some sort of evil cosmic joke, I see a Twilight movie is being released on my birthday... So, there are people with tickers on their Facebook statuses, counting down the days to my birthday... with a wimpy vampire's face next to the number...

Happy birthday to me... :-P

Tomorrow's the Big Day!!!

Tomorrow I will catch a fish...

It's been forever since I have been on here, and I do apologize (to myself as well). It's not that I have taken a break from the project.  Really, it's just that I have taken a break from sitting in front of a computer and thinking of things to say for a little while.  I finished teaching an extended school year, took a few summer excursions, and took care of a couple of medical issues.  Now I am ready to get back to typing about this project, and the fact that there is only a little more than four months left...

So, tomorrow I catch the big one...

Or a tiny fish... It really doesn't matter.  The fact is, I have a fishing rod, I have learned how to cast my line, I have practiced in the back yard (the neighbors love watching me), and tomorrow I will try this LIVE.  AND I will have the camera there to document the process.  Because fishing shouldn't be calm and relaxing. It should be intense, well-planned, and documented...

For progress on the other projects, I will say there are two that will have their obligations met soon. Tom's birthday frog cake will be made in a couple of weeks for his birthday gathering (which was postponed from his original birthday), and we have a road trip scheduled when we fly to Seattle in October. So, there's a few more knocked off the list!!

In a few weeks I will be meeting with my seniors in the National Honor Society. I have a few ideas to raise money for charity, and I want to involve them in the process and teach them how to create change in their community. So, raising $1,000 should be fairly easy, and will occur before October.

More than anything, I really have to get to reading the books. I am a teacher, and I am having a hangup on reading? Probably because my stack grew incredibly large over the school year, and I have moved the exciting reads to the front of the line. So, I guess I will be reading the classics while on the exercise bike...

Just a couple more months before the big 3-0. It's crazy to think I am moving into the last leg of this project. It's also pretty crazy to think I could really pull this off. I know I have always been dedicated to my goals, but even I had to wonder if this was really going to happen. Guess I should have given my self a little more credit, eh?

Here's the list! It's getting smaller!

1. Learn to play the drums.
2. Read ten great works of literature.
3. Catch a fish. (tomorrow!)
4. Learn how to create a website.
5. Run a 10K. (due to leg issues, I am still figuring out how to work this. ideas?)
6. Learn how to decorate a cake. (July for Tom)
7. Learn 20 words in Italian.
8. Take a road trip. (while in Seattle in October)
9. Eat vegetarian for one month... and enjoy it! :-) (thinking the month of September)
10. Ride a hot air balloon. (October)
11. Fly across the country. (Seattle- October)
12. Raise $1,000 for a charity.
13. Karaoke... in public...
14. Buy and drink a REALLY expensive bottle of wine. (birthday?)
15. Get in much better physical shape- making my numbers look much better at my physical before 30.

Update...

I realized earlier this evening that I had not posted my progress in a while.  I actually hadn't posted anything in a while...  I guess it's time for an update!

Surgery is really what put me into a funk. I wasn't thrilled that I would have an extended recovery, and I was really on eggshells until I went to get my post-op ultrasound and had a chance to look at the progress.  This surgery was supposed to free me, and I was not happy that my recovery was going to take longer than expected (since it has been a THREE year process!).

Well, it will be at least three more months before I get some real progress. I have some major swelling left over, but it's supposed to resolve soon.  I am walking daily, and this helps to get everything moving.

I am happy to announce that I am on my way to completing another mission: to learn website design!

I have been walking, talking, and such with a friend, Tom. He works on computer programming for a living, so he has given me a lesson and some pointers on how to layout a website beyond the templates that blogger gives.  I am not saying I want to be an expert in the area- it was just something I always wondered about.  I want to work on creating a site to link my writings, this blog, and some other projects. I will call this mission a near-success, with some actual application meeting my goal. 

The walking has also helped get me moving to get back into training.  I am really not certain what I need to do for my goal to run a 10K.  I know I just need to keep moving and wait to see what happens.  I have little control over anything other than helping myself, and I will do my best.  At the next doctor's appt, I will reevaluate my goal.

I have my stack of books primed and ready for summer break. I am disappointed that I didn't get to read more in the past few months.  Life has kept me extra busy, and I know for the next three weeks I will be treading water.  It is nice to know there is a stack of books that will be waiting for me once I get a break. :-)

I am going to work on arranging the fish catch, and I need to schedule my hot air balloon ride.  I am ready to get out and do those things, now that I am somewhat mobile.

These past two weeks have been incredibly calming.  I have been able to focus on what I need to do, I have been more productive, and I can see that my energy has increased.  It is funny how waves of peace and calm can move through your life.  I really think you don't realize how wonderful it is until you have gone through a storm.  I like the structure and order and calm of my environment, because it was not like that a year ago.  I like having my life back, and I am excited to look at the future.

My daughter's third birthday was Friday, and I thought back over these past three years.  It's been a rough ride, and I wonder at times how I survived.  She has been an incredible presence in my life, and I feel like she was sent to save me.  The other morning I woke up and wrote something for her birthday.  At first I didn't feel like sharing, but it seems like a pretty vital message in the whole scheme of things.

 These Three Years

I waited for my life to change again.

Had enough with change,

and was frankly sick of it all.

Little did I know,

change had just begun.

It would consume me.

My savior-my lifeline

would soon be born.

She was the hope I had dreamed of,

and knew she would rescue me.

She is the spirit of everything

I could ever hope to be.

Everyone says she is my shadow,

my likeness.

As time has moved on,

hair has grown longer,

young faces are older.

Lessons were learned,

both mother and daughter.

My saving grace has walked

beside me through these years.

Through illness, injury, and desertion-

her trusting eyes,

her comforting stroke of my hair,

as I hold her against me at night.

A creature creeps into my room

in early morning.

A whisper:

             "Don't worry Mommy, I'll save you."

My reply:

            "You already have."

On Pain...

"Given the choice between experiencing pain and nothing, I would choose pain."

                                                                                                                      ~William Faulkner

I have had to think long and hard about this post.  Not because I don't have anything to write on the topic of pain, but because I have always been taught to suck it up and walk it off.  I am an emotionally-intense person, but one thing I was never supposed to do is let someone see me hurting. I once walked on a broken foot (broken in seven different places) for a week before seeing the doctor.

As you can imagine, the experience of the past three years has been eye-opening.  I dealt with more physical and emotional pain than at times I could bear.  People would tell me that it was all just making me stronger.  I wanted to punch them in their faces.

Pain is an interesting sensation.  It is always a warning--that something is causing us distress or torture.  I remember watching an episode of the BBC Sherlock series, and remarking at the limp that Dr. Watson produced.  It all came from psychosomatic feelings he hadn't dealt with.  I thought that it was foolish, but part of me knows that such a thing can be very real.  Over the past few years, I attributed much of my physical pain to an emotional wound that needed time to heal.

I know being physically attacked is never a field day.  Being emotionally injured during that time was a second blow.  Add to that the vulnerability and lack of security that goes with not working, and I was a mess.  I remember at my worst I was on Percocet 10's four times a day, with tramadol buffers.  I was on valium, muscle relaxers, and tons of seizure meds.  I honestly don't remember much of a year of my life.  I wonder now if I would have survived if I was really aware of all that was happening.  I remember talking to a therapist that told me the mind only lets you deal with so much of a trauma or memory at a time.  I think the medicine and my mind did a good job of keeping me from losing my sanity.

In summer of 2011, all of the medicines stopped.  I decided that I was going to overcome everything now that I was starting a new teaching job.  My mobility had improved significantly, and I knew my emotional health was looking great.  I thought I could take on the world!!

What I forgot was that I would have pain the rest of my life.  It was a reality I had to accept.  I could pretend that I was a magical creature that found a cure, but that would be deceiving myself.  It always drives me crazy when parents deny their child has a disability.  Now I understand it--I was trying to mourn the fact that I would not have that "normal" life everyone else had.  I was shortchanged, and I tried to prove something to myself by going cold turkey.

By September, I can remember showing up to my doctor in misery.  I hadn't slept in weeks, and I honestly could barely move.  The hardest part about the pain is that no one could see it.  I didn't have a broken leg or a black eye.  And I pretended like everything was normal so no one at my new job would learn my secrets.

The doctor wondered why on earth I had gone off the medications.  I told her I was out to prove something, and had failed miserably.  So, we started back on some light stuff, knowing that was going to make me a functioning human being.  I liked the sound of "functioning."

I got back into running, and have really enjoyed my experiences.  With the help of my trainer, Jesse, I have been able to make incredible progress!  I will not lie- I have been in terrible pain every day.  I have two leg surgeries coming up, but I really want to make good progress before I am side-lined.  

I will admit to something though: sometimes feeling pain is all that makes me feel alive.  I know it sounds completely strange, but it is when I feel the results of a run that I feel most alive.  Maybe it is because I went through a few years where I felt NOTHING.  Maybe because I know in a few years I will not be able to feel this pain again.  I don't want to sound like a freak, but it is when I am sore and hurting that I feel the most alive.  I guess that is because I know I have pushed my body to do something it couldn't do, and may never do again.

I look back at the times where I was numb to the world, and look to the future and the scariness it holds. I think to myself, if given the choice, I would most definitely choose to feel the pain.

Just another metaphor...

I always like the end of the month.  For teachers, it is a pay day, but I have always liked these days.  It is funny that we watch all these television specials in December that talk about the year in review.  Does anyone ever review their months? Or for that matter, their weeks or days?

I have always been fascinated with calendars.  When my OCD was really bad, I remember having five different calendars and planners.  They all recorded the same information.  The actual information was irrelevant; it was more about the comfort of exerting some control on my surroundings.  

Right now, I only have one calendar.  It seems to be a necessity with the nature of my job.  I don't wear a watch either, which says a lot about how far I have come.  Still, at the end of every month I take a few moments to think about the successes and failures of the month.

This month was incredibly progressive.  I had a lot of adventures, tried new things, had some moments of deep thinking, and plenty of moments of laughter.  I was moved to tears a few times, and made some grandiose plans for the future.  I did a lot of dreaming this month, and a lot of reflecting on the past.

I know that no one wants to read a blog about someone that gushes about herself, but I have to give myself credit.  I look at the past 2.5 years, and am amazed at the development of my "self."  There were victories and defeats. I think I probably spent an awful lot on Kleenex....  In the end, I came out ahead.  I look at this time as tremendous growth.  I became closer to family, I developed some positive friendships, and I pushed myself to grow and engage the world around me.

I still have a long way to go, but I am getting there.  I have always considered myself a "work in progress."  Today I ran with Jesse, and we ended up heading to the top of a hill.  I think it was a fitting choice for the end of the month.  When we reached the "mount" (which is funny, because we were in town), I was able to survey the success of my journey.  I don't think you have to think too deeply to see the metaphor there..

Wow....

Well, today was a rough day at work. It was kind of a rough day for life in general.

Which always makes it hard to get to the gym...

Still got there twenty minutes early for my training session, but it was noticed that I wasn't my usual self.  Lack of sleep and a lot on one's mind will do that to a person.  I put that all aside for a pretty intense session.  I won't say I was about to die, but I think for a moment, I thought I might come close.  Then I saw a quick mental picture of me zipping off the treadmill, and the possibility of public humiliation kept me going. ;-)

What I did learn (besides the fact that I am no marathon runner) is that I am an incredibly strong and resilient creature.  I gave it everything I had, and then some, and came out still standing.  How many people can say that every day?

That started me thinking...  When was the last time you woke up in the morning and gave everything you had in everything you did for an entire day?  It's hard. We are humans, and we need breaks.  There are no superheros in the real world.  And, let's face it, we hate those people that pretend they are superhuman.

I am serious, though. When was the last time you gave everything you had for even an hour?  I mean every single fiber of your spirit...  until sweat and snot and yuckiness poured from you (and you started to vomit)... Ok, don't go that far...

This whole journey has just begun, but it has been an incredible ride.  I am having more fun and meeting more people in this short time than I had in years.  I am pushing myself to try new things for the sake of learning and fun, and I am learning so much about myself in the process.  I really am learning to love myself, which can be a hard thing to do.

You ask any person what they would change about themselves, and they can think of at least ten items without blinking an eye.  Ask them to name the things they like about themselves, and they looked at you as if you have just asked them to commit a crime. I have never been a person that likes to talk about myself, but for the sake of this project I will indulge.  It does feel good to recognize the good things in my life anyway.

So, here is a running list of the things I love about myself (in no particular order):

1. I have beautiful eyes.

2. I am compassionate.

3. I am funny.

4. I cook well.

5. I am willing to try new things.

6. I am smart.

7. I am a dedicated person, and stick to things when I put my mind to it.

 8. I am not afraid to get my hands dirty.

9. I have a decent balance of quirkiness and level-headedness.

10. I think a lot (and my thoughts have meaning).

11. I do things to help others, and to make their lives more enriched.

12. I am a good teacher.

13. I am a great mother.

14. I really do like my nose.

15. I have learned that despite my past, my legs are strong and work hard for me.

16. I have curves. I have learned to accept it, and even embrace it.

17. I speak to people with purpose, and try to inspire them to find meaning in their lives.

18. I am patient.

19. I know a lot of random information that usually comes up in trivia competitions.

20. I AM A STRONG, INTELLIGENT, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN that is creating wonderful  memories and embracing life...

The list could go on...

Have you started your own list? And have you told others what makes them great? We don't do this a lot, and it's unfortunate.  Some people are quick to criticize or belittle, but they are not as gracious with the compliments.  I would like to see a change to that.

Happy?

Today I returned to the gym to work with Jesse.  I am totally impressed with all the training that the gym has offered so far, and his tips and motivation have definitely gotten me to where I am right now.  I will tell you I am fairly impressed with where my body has brought me from 2 years ago to today.  It has been an incredibly trying process, but with that process came a lot of patience and determination.  I jogged the total of a mile today, which is a big change from barely walking unassisted!  I know I have a long way to go, but that alone gives me motivation to continue.

This evening, after dinner and assorted chores were out of the way, I settled into a hot bubble bath.  I have found this calms the soreness better than anything else.  I set the music to a random shuffle and sat back.  During one song, I looked over to the mirror to notice movement, and heard noise... Was I singing and dancing in the bathtub? Could it be? Have I moved beyond content?

Yes, I believe it is true... I am now to the point of saying I am truly HAPPY.  It's a good feeling... :-)

Let the journey begin... I am SO ready. ;-)

Ah, the significance...

Since it is raining outside, and I am on a "recovery day," today would be the perfect day to tell you about the significance of each of my goals.

Now, keep in mind that I did not sit down and put weeks of thought into these goals.  But also, anyone that knows me for more than a minute will know that everything I say and do means something (even the random things).  So, looking at this list is actually intriguing, because it shows where there are obvious gaps and room for healing in my life.

"Learn to play the drums" This is interesting because I was in band for several years, so I have a good concept of music.  I also play music CONSTANTLY (of all varieties), and there is always music on my mind.  I don't know how I had survived this many years without learning to play.  The idea for this task came about when I found a unit teaching math with drumming.  I attempted to even play some basic drumming beats, and found that my rhythm was severely off.  Anyone that knows me well would also know that I was born without rhythm. ;-)  This shall indeed be a challenge!

Learning Italian has always been an interest of mine.  I have always been fascinated with the country, the culture, and the language.  I think there is definitely a longing I have to travel to another country, or even to disappear for a while.  To be even swept up in another world.  For now, I will attempt to learn my phrases.

Catching a fish is something basic that I guess I just never got around to?  I guess it really is important to me because I have always lived life with one foot in the outdoors, and the other curled up with a book.  I have been whitewater canoeing and camping since I was a small child, and I am confused as to how I got this far in life without catching a fish?  My students are very concerned with this, and rest assured this task will be complete by spring. :-)

Designing a website was chosen to make me less scared of computers... Yes, you can laugh...  I use them often, and I will say I like what they have to offer, but there is nothing like the old school feeling of a book in your hands or a pen to paper.  I know I am too young to be saying all of this, and I need to get with it.  I also have a lot of practical needs for website design, and know I could use it for classroom projects and other things.  It is also just a good skill I can have, and something I can say I did. :-)

The karaoke in public goal was designed to get me up in front of a group of people.  It was not designed for public humiliation, though it may have turned out that way...  I did sing in front of about thirty middle and high school students for about six songs, which really took me from terrified to only halfway scared.  One kid is always a critic at school, but he told me at the end of my rendition of I Will Survive, "Ms. Winn, I can respect you now." Good stuff...

Reading the ten great works of literature is really just to get me reading good stuff again.  I do read all the time.  I mean ALL the time...  I read for fun, I read for work, I read a couple of hours out of every day.  I just wanted to push myself to read more of things that will have an impact on my life and on my teaching.  I met a guy and was talking to him about books.  I asked him what he liked to read, and he said "I'm actually taking a break from reading right now..."  Is that possible? And did he just say that to a TEACHER???

Traveling to another country and traveling first class are meant to get me back out in the world again, and to treat myself right.  I have always been a dreamer and a goal-setter, and it is time that I did what I could to make my dreams happen.  And I might as well go there in style, right? ;-)

Eating vegetarian for a month and enjoying it...  I was actually vegetarian for quite a while... I can't say I enjoyed it terribly much.  I didn't really have a love for vegetables until fairly recently, and I can say now that when I attempt this again, I will be trying tons of different foods and doing it right. :-)

We have already touched on the running goal, but it is good enough to be said again.  When someone spends periods not being able to walk, it is pretty awesome to be able to run!!  I will tell you that this training (even though it has only been four days) has been some of the hardest work I have done in my life.  I think this goal has been a project in itself!  I will go ahead and say that this goal will more than make my last goal of making all of my "physical" numbers better by my birthday.  The doctor has already been singing praises since I have lost weight, and it is only going to get better.  She is very aware of my workout requirements, and is working with me on managing my fibromyalgia during this training.  The interesting thing I have heard is the body actually responds better to intense training.  It's almost like it has overload, so it doesn't respond to the mini-stressors like it would in everyday life.

In reality, I think I am just too terribly sore from pushing my body... I don't notice the fibromyalgia anymore...

So, I know I have missed some of the goals, but I don't want to write a novel.  I will talk about the rest of them on my next day off from training.  Tomorrow I train with Jesse, and he will work me hard.  I will hopefully be able to walk to my car when I am done...  He's great in motivating and teaching me technique, but he also doesn't let me make excuses.  And that is exactly what I need right now.

Shells and Boundaries

I did go back to training today (day 4), and I survived! :-D  Today was spent on the lower body, along with some very brisk cardio at the end.  I will say that the combination between being very active and eating really well has made me feel really great.  I did take a look at what I have been eating over the past four days, and realized I have completely cut out processed junk.  I guess I knew it was going to happen because I was following a plan, but I didn't realize that I had survived the first few days of that.  In the past, when I had cut out sugars, processed junk, and cut back on caffeine, my body screamed for a few days.  Maybe it was too busy screaming in pain to notice. ;-)

I had a good conversation with someone after my training was over.  Conversations are interesting, because they can start in the most innocent and obscure places, and end up hitting the deepest points.  This person told me how he had been left repeatedly, mistreated and wronged through his life, and how he was making the decision not to carry the anger with him any longer.  This person did have a significant weight problem in the past.  It started me thinking about how we create "shells" when we are hurt.  We use food, alcohol, whatever as a crutch, and we try to shut the world out.  I know it's the mind and heart's way of coping, but it really only creates isolation... and a really big person.

I thought back to college, when I was running and I was very active and content with life.  I will go ahead and say now there was an event in my life that caused me to shut everything out, and create a physical and emotional shell.  For me, I wonder if it was more of making me look less appealing to people, or if it was the comfort of food.  Either way, I was not seeing things in a healthy perspective (obviously).  I see now that I was grieving.

I stand in front of the mirror now, and I have seen some incredible changes.  I also know my heart has endured some incredible changes and healing over these past months.  I now feel that I am able to communicate what I need and want, and am better able to give people what they need in return (in all aspects of life).  This sense of balance in life will hopefully carry me beyond this training and project, and into a healthy lifestyle.  I have many more productive years ahead of me, and I am ready to live them without my shell, thank you very much!

I Did Return...

I went to bed last night feeling fantastic...

I woke up this morning feeling a little bit sore. ;-)

In reality, the soreness hasn't fully hit yet.  I know it will be sometime tomorrow when I feel like I might die.  So, it was totally great that I went for a cardio workout today, right? :-)

I enjoy having some guidance from a trainer.  I also love that I found this internal motivation.  I don't know how to describe it--I feel a need to reach this athletic goal more than the other goals on the list.  Maybe it is because of the injury and wheelchair time--I want to show that my body can make a miraculous comeback?  Or maybe it is just that I have so much to do in this world, and I need to be fit to get it all done?

I don't know, but do I inspire myself. :-)

I talked to my students today about goals.  I gave them a nice speech about last night's training session, and how I was not allowed to have excuses.  There wasn't a need for them, because they weren't productive.  Any excuse I would spout out wasn't going to make me a better athlete.  Today, I didn't even think of an excuse when I started to get tired.  I knew it wouldn't do me any good--I still had to finish my workout!

So, beyond the obvious health benefits of this project, there have been tremendous emotional supports.  I took a good long look at my list earlier, and started to see how symbolic so many of those items were to me.  They each symbolized a different part of my life that I wanted to get back in order... No... NEEDED to get back in order, so that I could really be at peace and enjoy my existence on this earth.

But that's for another post...

Maybe tomorrow... after Round 2 of Death Camp... :-D

The Results Are In...

Ok, even though I have been active these past few months, I knew I was nowhere near "fit."  Anyone can see great changes in my body, but there is no question that I have not achieved fitness status.  So, I decided to suck it up and meet with a trainer.  I know I am not at peak physical shape-- that is why I have goals.  I also know I want to be better... No, I NEED to be better... So, I know I need some guidance.

I met with Tim at Harvey's Gym in Tullahoma.  He was an incredible motivating and nice man that took me through the basics of nutrition.  I agreed to feed my body the fuel it needs to train.  In exchange, I was told my body would do amazing things.  I could get used to this!

After the nutrition orientation, he took me into a fitness room for what I thought would be a "tour." Wrong... It was a one hour body weight plyometrics workout that made me want to scream. Talk about intense!  He was great, and pushed me when I didn't think I could go on...

Then I met Jesse, for what I thought would be a "talk about running."  Wrong... I was jump roping, hopping across the room, jogging, walking fast, and leaping through the dance room.  I will tell you it is an eye-opening experience when you are hopping in front of a room-length mirror for everyone to see.  I have lost a good amount of weight, but I still have a way to go...  It was also an incredibly liberating experience though.  Once you have been that vulnerable and still get cheers from anyone (especially yourself), and you know that you are doing this for yourself to make YOU faster and better, then it really doesn't matter anymore.  It isn't about trying to conceal and make people think you look better or thinner or anything else.  You ultimately have to own up to what you have in front of you and decide what  you want to do to make yourself better.

I learned an incredible amount of self-love at that moment.  I also wanted to beg Jesse to let me go home (or even sit down- he's a rough one!).  Seriously, I learned that I am a tough cookie, and I love myself incredibly for pushing my body to meet this challenge.  I am impressed that I took the steps to go tonight, that I lasted through 2.5 hours of misery, and that I still walked out with a smile on my face.

I am absolutely thrilled that I am at a point in my life that I can go to sleep and be so proud for all I have contributed today, and for how far I have come. I am a pretty awesome chick! :-D