A Final Update for My Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday... the big 3-0. I was actually excited to turn 30, but I was a little sad that I left so many projects unfinished. I knew that things came up, but that also isn't my personality. I don't let things get in the way of a goal.  I have to be flexible, and be able to roll with the punches, but I also need to hold onto my goals so that I actually reach them.

What are the goals I didn't reach?

1. Ride in a hot air balloon.
2. Raise $1,000 for charity.
3. Read 10 books (I had three left).
4. Run a 10K. Finish a 10K.
5. Buy and drink an expensive bottle of wine.

I want to mention what happened yesterday, because it seemed almost surreal. I know I didn't finish my list, but it was a good memory for a birthday...

Yesterday morning, my kids were dancing beside my bed, screaming "Your birthday!!! You have presents!!!"

We woke up and got ready (since the motivation of presents made them get ready quicker). Once I was ready, I began to open my presents. 

One of the presents? 1 giant pencil (by giant, I mean a foot long!). Alex told me I can use that because I am a writer, and I write a lot of things.  His next present? A hot air balloon suncatcher. He told me this was a great hot air balloon because we can sit and look at it together. I thought that was incredibly sweet.

Carly's present for me? A purple sparkly piggy bank. She told me now I can save money for all my new adventures. I can already tell she is going to have the adventure spark like me.

I went through my day at work, talking with students, teaching a bit, and having a fairly good day. I was able to make it to Carly's Thanksgiving meal, so I enjoyed being able to spend time with her.

When we made it home, my mother took me to a benefit for a school in India. It was a Murder Mystery Dinner, and we were able to talk with all sorts of people (including Gandhi's grandson). How much did we raise for charity?

$1,000

YAY!!! One more project off the list, and on my birthday! Fantastic!!!

So, that renewed my interest in finishing this project, and in starting my new one. I know I need to finish these goals, and I imagine that it will be complete soon.

And for the new project? I wrote a list of ten goals that include life goals and places to visit. I want to finish the project by the time I am 40.  Obviously I won't be running around crazy, trying to complete these items.  I will enjoy working on each step, and will capture tons of memories along the way.

The new site is: http://embracing10before40.blogspot.com

Looking on to more goals...

There are five days left until my birthday, and I will not finish my list.

What didn't I finish?

1. Finish a 10K.
2. Ride in a hot air balloon.
3. Raise $1,000 for charity.
4. Buy and drink a really expensive glass of wine.
5. Read 10 great works of literature (I did make it to seven- so 3 more!).

I received an overwhelming response of emails and conversations with friends that told me I should give myself an extension. I did have a couple of surgeries in there, and encounter a few strange setbacks that aren't typical for my life.

I really don't know what kind of timeline I can give myself for running the race, since I am not very certain what the outcome of the back surgery will be. I know I will need to take it easy post-surgery, so I will not be out there running. I won't be sitting like a bump on a log either, so I am sure I will be able to meet this goal by the end of the school year (even if "running" isn't very fast).

I am going to contact, recontact, and brainstorm on how to ride in a hot air balloon. Like I had said before, the company is out of business, so my gift certificate is not valid. I can't imagine how this could be allowed, and there has to be someone I will come in contact with that can make this happen. I will keep thinking on it.

I really want to raise the money for charity. We were planning a music event at the school, to raise money to bring creative after-school programs to my students in Moore County. I wanted to expand their minds and bring them hobbies and classes that will help them in the long run (like photography, a book club, intramural sports, etc).  I know if we can get to planning, we will be able to have the event planned for winter (January?).

I can read three more books in a matter of a few weeks, so that really shouldn't be a problem. I do start classes in January, so I am very certain I will be doing a lot of reading over the next four years!

And I am not really certain where I was going with the wine. I know I wanted to really understand wines and learn something about the higher end wines. I know if I bought an expensive bottle, I would not be thrilled about opening it. I guess this is something I was reserving for a special occasion, so perhaps New Years Even would be a good time for a bottle that's special?

I already had in my mind that I wanted to create another list. I am definitely finishing this list, but I know that I have more goals that I would like to achieve by other milestone birthdays (40 being the big one!). I would like to put some thought into another list, and maybe organize it so that I can complete a major goal each year for the next ten years? I would love to hear if anyone has ideas on a good goal. I am excited and ready to embrace 30, and I imagine I will be at a completely different point in my life by 40.

I had dinner with Jeremy last night, and we talked for hours. I told him about the purpose of the project, and how it was important for me to have goals when looking at a major life change. As you will remember, I created this list on the heels of a divorce being final. I was looking out into the world and seeing all of the opportunities that lie ahead. I feel this way now--I see that I am a strong and independent woman, and can do anything I set my mind to.  I also see that I can take care of myself, and am very self-reliant. 

But now, more than any other time in the past year, I realize that I don't want to live the rest of my life that way. I remember a few weeks ago, when I was traveling around Washington. I went to Wal-Mart to buy something, and I can remember thinking to myself that in fifteen years I would be able to take off and do whatever I chose. I would be able to live my life of independence, and I would finally be free.

Sitting on the couch last night, talking with a glass of wine in my hand, I realized I don't want to be alone. I like that I am capable of doing things alone, but I don't want that to be my life. I want to sit and talk with someone, and share my life. I want to have common goals, or to have the support for those dreams that are my own. I liked the idea of being free and being a drifter, but I realized I liked the idea of being part of a couple. I liked the idea of sharing my life and all of its stories with another person.

I remembered that book I had mentioned long ago, by Elizabeth Gilbert. She talked about the fact that she didn't want to be married. She didn't want to be tied to someone, and after divorce she thought that the whole idea was a joke. She was looking at a forced marriage to her love, and she was panicking. I remember reading toward the end of the book that her travels out on her own to Cambodia were not what she hoped, because while she was out there "finding herself," she was missing the idea of being with Felipe even more.

At the beginning of this journey, I understood her free spirit. I wanted what she had, and I was ready to take flight at the next opportunity. Now, I feel more like she does after her trip to Cambodia. I have a rich and exciting life now, even when it is just reporting to work most days. I want to share those experiences, and my hope and dreams of how my life will be with someone. I want to plan holidays and raise children and have a life. I feel like I've been ripped off in that department.

Maybe that will be one of my goals for the next project. 

Tomorrow's the Big Day!!!

Tomorrow I will catch a fish...

It's been forever since I have been on here, and I do apologize (to myself as well). It's not that I have taken a break from the project.  Really, it's just that I have taken a break from sitting in front of a computer and thinking of things to say for a little while.  I finished teaching an extended school year, took a few summer excursions, and took care of a couple of medical issues.  Now I am ready to get back to typing about this project, and the fact that there is only a little more than four months left...

So, tomorrow I catch the big one...

Or a tiny fish... It really doesn't matter.  The fact is, I have a fishing rod, I have learned how to cast my line, I have practiced in the back yard (the neighbors love watching me), and tomorrow I will try this LIVE.  AND I will have the camera there to document the process.  Because fishing shouldn't be calm and relaxing. It should be intense, well-planned, and documented...

For progress on the other projects, I will say there are two that will have their obligations met soon. Tom's birthday frog cake will be made in a couple of weeks for his birthday gathering (which was postponed from his original birthday), and we have a road trip scheduled when we fly to Seattle in October. So, there's a few more knocked off the list!!

In a few weeks I will be meeting with my seniors in the National Honor Society. I have a few ideas to raise money for charity, and I want to involve them in the process and teach them how to create change in their community. So, raising $1,000 should be fairly easy, and will occur before October.

More than anything, I really have to get to reading the books. I am a teacher, and I am having a hangup on reading? Probably because my stack grew incredibly large over the school year, and I have moved the exciting reads to the front of the line. So, I guess I will be reading the classics while on the exercise bike...

Just a couple more months before the big 3-0. It's crazy to think I am moving into the last leg of this project. It's also pretty crazy to think I could really pull this off. I know I have always been dedicated to my goals, but even I had to wonder if this was really going to happen. Guess I should have given my self a little more credit, eh?

Here's the list! It's getting smaller!

1. Learn to play the drums.
2. Read ten great works of literature.
3. Catch a fish. (tomorrow!)
4. Learn how to create a website.
5. Run a 10K. (due to leg issues, I am still figuring out how to work this. ideas?)
6. Learn how to decorate a cake. (July for Tom)
7. Learn 20 words in Italian.
8. Take a road trip. (while in Seattle in October)
9. Eat vegetarian for one month... and enjoy it! :-) (thinking the month of September)
10. Ride a hot air balloon. (October)
11. Fly across the country. (Seattle- October)
12. Raise $1,000 for a charity.
13. Karaoke... in public...
14. Buy and drink a REALLY expensive bottle of wine. (birthday?)
15. Get in much better physical shape- making my numbers look much better at my physical before 30.

So, there's this guy...

I think I have been pretty guarded on what I share on this site, because I really don't know a lot of the people I interact with through my posts.  I also had to wonder if anyone really cares about all the drama of my life.  In retrospect, there's probably a Lifetime miniseries in my past, but now's not really the time to rehash past mishaps...

So, there's this guy... I know some of you are reading this and going "hey! I knew she would find someone!"  There's probably at least one of you that is genuinely surprised that something great has happened so quickly (which really hasn't been quick at all).  Since I didn't publicly announce all of my issues over the past few years, I have even run into people that ask about my marriage, and I feel weird when I have to tell them I am divorced, have been for quite some time, and have someone new in my life.

But I will say this: I am HAPPY. I was talking about this today--I am at a GOOD point in my life, and I absolutely love being loved, supported, cherished.  And I love being able to show that in return.

What does this have to do with my goals?

Well, if you look back on the list of goals, you will see that there was nothing about relationships on the list.  I figured when I was happy with myself, and was making steps in the right direction, then love would find me.  I was right--it just took time for me to focus on the necessary self-development.  The rest would eventually fall into place.

So, this guy happens to be very supportive of my list of goals.  He did gulp when he realized he did indeed have to take me fishing so I could catch my fish. He is eager to work with me, and to give me TIME.  At this point in my life, I identified that I needed stability, mental exercise, support, and kindness.  I am happy to say that I have found all of these things in Tom. He's steady, fun, a great confidante, and pushes me to reach my goals (and dreams).

So, today he took me to secure a fishing license... Then to purchase fishing "supplies." I honestly knew nothing about fishing, and didn't even know what to call the parts.  I had a great time watching him scan through the aisles to find the parts for his mental plan.  I am very excited about the idea of trying something new, and I am glad I have him there to help me learn!

I am not a gushy person by nature.  By that, I mean that I don't really get warm and fuzzy at Valentine's Day, I don't remember anniversaries of trivial things, and I will only turn on Lifetime to catch a rerun of a sitcom.  I am emotional, and enjoy being able to feel things.  Without being too gushy, I am enjoying being able to feel love.  It's a good thing.

I was talking to him the other day, and we were discussing when it was that we first met. I couldn't remember when it even was (see, not too girly)...

He said he remembered when we met.  I came into his store to drop off discs for a repair.  He said that he was poorly dressed and I blushed when I saw him.

That reminded me of a famous quote:

"When I saw you I fell in love

and you smiled because you knew"

Some things just happen.  Life has a way of working out, and a lot of times for the better.  While I was busy focusing on these projects, my life was healing, and I was ready to find what makes me happy. 

And someone has a birthday coming up quickly... He wants a frog cake, and that just happens to be a project I need to complete. :-D

Self-Improvement

So I needed to write an essay about myself for a supplemental application for grad school.  The essay topic was about what events happened in my life, and how I dealt with them.  It asked if I was at all looking for self-improvement along the way.

I wondered if I could just post a link to this blog...

I will tell you, as I sat down to write the essay, that I stared at the screen for about ten minutes without typing a single thing.  And even when I typed out the first two sentences, I backed up and started again.

And again.

I was stuck.  How can I write this stuff for people all over the country and world, but I have a hard time writing for a counseling committee in Middle Tennessee?

I finally realized what it was--I had a limit. 600 words.  In 600 words, I had to tell these people everything they needed to know about me.  That's a hard thing to do, and I wanted to make sure I fit everything in there.

After writing the essay, I read back over it to edit.  Then I realized there was a slim chance the committee would believe everything I wrote.  Everything was 100% true, but once I put it down on paper I seemed to even doubt myself.  How can this many bad things happen to one person over 10 years?  How am I still around, and how I am THRIVING amidst all of this adversity?

Then I realized that might just be what they are looking for in a counselor.

I AM a goal-setter, a motivator, and one that looks at adversity as something that shapes where I am going.  It isn't a road-block; just a hurdle.  I am compassionate and empathetic, and what I have been through prepares me for what I will deal with in the future.

And the big thing is that I see ways I can work on "myself" daily.  There are ways I am always striving to be better at who I am--as a teacher, girlfriend, mother, human being.  I am a realist, and I know that life isn't always going to be perfect.  I'm not always going to be perfect, but I can do my best.

And when life hits a bumpy patch? I can draw on the strength of my past experience, and ride it out.

So, I finished my essay, completed other paperwork, and prepared to mail my work to the university.  I start classes sometime this year, depending on when I can register, what my schedule is with the children, and how I can budget out the money to pay.  Just a few more hurdles before I head out on my way.

By the way, I was fully intending to write more over this summer.  Between work and sleep and all the day-to-day duties, I found a wonderful thing to occupy my time: reading! I am finally working on my list of books.

And next week, I will hopefully catch my fish...

The Year in Review

Yesterday I finished my first year of teaching middle school.  I should say I SURVIVED my first year of teaching that age group...

Middle schoolers are interesting because they have a lot going on in their lives, and they really want to involve you in it.  Really, whether you want to be involved or not, they kind of suck you in.  I guess I was a terribly boring teenager.  I don't remember dealing with a lot of this drama.  Then again, I also know that I had awesome parents and an incredibly supportive environment.  I was a confident young person, and didn't really get caught up in the antics that happen today.

I did want to give a review, and talk about my last day of school.  Something happened on the final day that really brought together all of my thoughts on change in the school environment.  I had waited for this event to occur for a few weeks, but I guess things happen exactly when they need to (and I need to chill).

On the final day of school, students come to pick up their report cards.  They are only in the building for two hours at the most, and many come around to say goodbye to teachers.  I told many kids goodbye, and to have an incredibly eventful summer. Some of them believed me, and some worried that I had lost it.  I told them I wanted them to have adventures, and come back to tell me all of these great stories in August.  My name was called over the intercom while I was in the middle of a conversation, and I was summoned to the main office.

There was a phone call on hold, and the secretary gave me a stare as I entered the office.  She told me it was a parent, and this parent claimed the secretary was incredibly rude.  Great... I am already in for a delightful conversation when the sweet woman that answers the phones was accused of being rude...

I answered the phone, and was met with a hefty dose of hostility.  The mother on the other end had been MIA for the past ten months, but decided to contact me about her son's educational plan on the last day.  I guess there might have been some confusion about paperwork and not answering messages.  I know there are only so many times I can contact a parent without bordering on harassment.  Eh, it really doesn't matter now how it happened...

I told the mother I would get my notes together, and call her back from my classroom.  I did not have time to meet with her in person, because school would be ending in one hour and I had to fly off the premises to start work at my summer job.  Still, I wanted to touch base with this parent since I finally had her on the line.

I called her back, and was once again met with a few tense words.  I am a parent, and I understand how people can get defensive when their children don't succeed.  I can understand how parents have to deal with work, taking care of homes and family, and sometimes have to take on the extra responsibility of caring for a child with learning problems.  It's a tough job to care for a child with any special needs, and apathy can be one of the worst ailments a teenager can have.

I told her that I understood that her child was a capable being, but that he seemed to be apathetic.  I told her that I talked with him often, and didn't see that he had any goals.  He had moved here from another area, and clearly didn't fit into the rural life of hunting, fishing and farming.  He liked farming, computers, and was incredibly introverted.  A kid like that faces a hard time when plopped into Green Acres living.

As I talked, I could hear her soften over the phone.  I won't regurgitate the whole conversation, but in the end we were both laughing and chatting.  The phone call lasted over 30 minutes, and that was probably the best way I could have spent 30 minutes on my last day of school.  I was talking with a parent about incredibly big changes that could be made with her child, was making plans to help him set goals, and was getting incredibly constructive feedback.  I couldn't have been more thrilled!

I told her about the idea to create a mentoring program, as well as an after-school program to work on social ties and leadership among the students.  She told me she wished there was a community center that would provide programs for the kids.  She, like any parent, worries about drugs, trouble, teen pregnancy, etc.  This is probably the tenth parent I have talked to that mentioned the idea of a place for all of this to happen.  Kind of makes the wheels turn in my head...

I have quite a task for the summer.  Yes, I will be making plans for curriculum and testing and such.  I will have even bigger plans in developing a plan to motivate and empower these students.  These young voices are crying out for power, responsibility, and a future.  I am more than excited to help them along the way. :-)

Breaking Point

I realized I hadn't written in a week or so, and I guess I need to back up and give the full story...

My life has been running smoothly- I have been enjoying my job, I love watching my children grow, and I have been motivated by working on all of these projects.  Life has been good!

There is something that is always lurking. It is my shadow, and I wish I could shake it. I have good days, and I think that maybe it was a dream- maybe I was exaggerating the pain.  Maybe I was just being a wimp.

Then it hits. And I feel like I have been run over by a Mack truck. Then the truck backed up and ran over me again, and again, and again. 

I went on for years like this. It was the aching like the flu, but for every day of my life. If you can imagine the aching that makes it hurt to change the channel, hurt to blow your nose, and wonder if you can even make it to the bathroom and back--this is what I deal with every day.  You learn to live with it, but it's misery.  There's no way I can go without a job, so I carry on. I try to remain optimistic that there will be treatments that will work, but so far there has been nothing.

The pain is bad, but the worst part for me is that my brain gets slow. It almost feels like it comes to a grinding halt.  I know when there are too many messages traveling around my body, it is hard for one to concentrate.  I also know that I am particularly sensitive to my brain and it's ability to think.  So, while people may not notice that I am having trouble, it is killing me inside.

This morning was my breaking point.  I have had a week of pain that has been building, but I have really tried to shake it.  Looks like remission is over, and a flare is in the works. I was already going to be home today to care for a sick child, so I am now able to regroup and look at what I need to do to maintain some sanity.

In the past, I remember that eating certain diets has helped dramatically.  It looks like I will be taking another look at the gluten-free diet.  I have read a lot of conflicting research on the matter, but I know that for me personally, it seems to work.  I also know that there is a lot of food allergy in my family, particularly with wheat (on both sides).  I guess this was a long time coming...

I also need to exercise my boundaries, and say no to extra things.  There has been a lot of undue stress lately, and I am sure it has taken its toll.  I know that I am worth nothing when I am miserably sick, so I need to put myself first.  Since I am the sole provider for myself and my children, I need to be extra-vigilant to make sure I am well enough to work.  I am sure that situation in itself creates extra stress.

I have a few more weeks of work, then I work a very light schedule for a month (extended school year).  This should provide me an opportunity to keep my mind active and bring in some money, but also get the rest I need.  I also have a ton of projects I'd like to get involved in. I have books to read, places to go, and a massive scrapbooking project to undertake.  These are all things I will enjoy, and that will be low-stress, so I am sure they will be healing for my body and soul.

I always take it hard when a flare starts up.  It's like I let myself down.  For those of you that don't know much about fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome, I am going to take an opportunity to educate.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and Fibromyalgia (FMS) are regarded as two different disorders, but are often overlapping.  CFS focuses on immune dysregulation where you feel an incredible amount of disabling fatigue, often with a low-grade fever and achiness.  It's not fun. At. All.

Fibromyalgia is over-active nerves and tenderness throughout the body. It's a widespread body pain that will wipe you out.  It often feels like the pain you have from the flu, and it also causes hypersensitivity to the world around you. Touch, fabrics, temperatures, lights, smells- everything causes headaches, nausea, irritability.  It's like your body is on sensory overload, and is just SCREAMING!!!

For a long time, doctors thought people were just crazy. I really believe because there are more women diagnosed, it went along with the fact that some people believe women just have psychosomatic issues or are just faking for attention.  The reality is that there are men that live with these illnesses, but are under-diagnosed, or don't go to the doctor for care for fear of the label.  There is also a strong connection between people that have suffered abuse or some sort of trauma and fibromyalgia, so some people are quick to believe it is some sort of mental label.  The brain rewires pain signals after physical traumas (violent attacks, car accidents, abuse, rape), so it is no wonder that people would end up with chronic issues involving nerves, muscles, and the immune system after such events.  It should be mentioned that some people develop these problems with no such histories.

Sleep disorders- my last rant.  I think the body would be able to heal itself if decent sleep were to occur.  People with CFS and/or FMS desperately want and need sleep, but can't get restorative sleep to save their lives.  My body never goes into deep sleep.  Well, it can go into deep sleep from the hours of 1-4pm pretty reliably, but I can't seem to find a job or lifestyle that is conducive to that sleep pattern.  So, I live a life of sleep deprivation.  Sleep aids don't help, I monitor my exercise, and I still end up exhausted.  I fall asleep early, and "should" get plenty of sleep.  I wake up exhausted beyond belief. every. single. morning.

For those of you that already knew about CFS/FMS, I apologize for my PSA.  For those of you that didn't know, I hope that offered a brief summary.  I am not a pessimist by nature, and I guess that's why I have lasted so long.  I am quickly becoming a realist, and I am seeing what I am now capable of handling.  At this point, I am looking at the next few weeks and seeing I will need to follow a pretty tight schedule.

So the kids' birthday party is going to be relatively low-key, the work commitments will be met, and nothing more, and to those of you that send me messages and want an immediate response- I apologize in advance.  I am going to make an effort to see friends, to laugh every day, and to get hugs as often as possible.  I want to stay upbeat and positive in what I know is about to be a rough time.

Update...

I realized earlier this evening that I had not posted my progress in a while.  I actually hadn't posted anything in a while...  I guess it's time for an update!

Surgery is really what put me into a funk. I wasn't thrilled that I would have an extended recovery, and I was really on eggshells until I went to get my post-op ultrasound and had a chance to look at the progress.  This surgery was supposed to free me, and I was not happy that my recovery was going to take longer than expected (since it has been a THREE year process!).

Well, it will be at least three more months before I get some real progress. I have some major swelling left over, but it's supposed to resolve soon.  I am walking daily, and this helps to get everything moving.

I am happy to announce that I am on my way to completing another mission: to learn website design!

I have been walking, talking, and such with a friend, Tom. He works on computer programming for a living, so he has given me a lesson and some pointers on how to layout a website beyond the templates that blogger gives.  I am not saying I want to be an expert in the area- it was just something I always wondered about.  I want to work on creating a site to link my writings, this blog, and some other projects. I will call this mission a near-success, with some actual application meeting my goal. 

The walking has also helped get me moving to get back into training.  I am really not certain what I need to do for my goal to run a 10K.  I know I just need to keep moving and wait to see what happens.  I have little control over anything other than helping myself, and I will do my best.  At the next doctor's appt, I will reevaluate my goal.

I have my stack of books primed and ready for summer break. I am disappointed that I didn't get to read more in the past few months.  Life has kept me extra busy, and I know for the next three weeks I will be treading water.  It is nice to know there is a stack of books that will be waiting for me once I get a break. :-)

I am going to work on arranging the fish catch, and I need to schedule my hot air balloon ride.  I am ready to get out and do those things, now that I am somewhat mobile.

These past two weeks have been incredibly calming.  I have been able to focus on what I need to do, I have been more productive, and I can see that my energy has increased.  It is funny how waves of peace and calm can move through your life.  I really think you don't realize how wonderful it is until you have gone through a storm.  I like the structure and order and calm of my environment, because it was not like that a year ago.  I like having my life back, and I am excited to look at the future.

My daughter's third birthday was Friday, and I thought back over these past three years.  It's been a rough ride, and I wonder at times how I survived.  She has been an incredible presence in my life, and I feel like she was sent to save me.  The other morning I woke up and wrote something for her birthday.  At first I didn't feel like sharing, but it seems like a pretty vital message in the whole scheme of things.

 These Three Years

I waited for my life to change again.

Had enough with change,

and was frankly sick of it all.

Little did I know,

change had just begun.

It would consume me.

My savior-my lifeline

would soon be born.

She was the hope I had dreamed of,

and knew she would rescue me.

She is the spirit of everything

I could ever hope to be.

Everyone says she is my shadow,

my likeness.

As time has moved on,

hair has grown longer,

young faces are older.

Lessons were learned,

both mother and daughter.

My saving grace has walked

beside me through these years.

Through illness, injury, and desertion-

her trusting eyes,

her comforting stroke of my hair,

as I hold her against me at night.

A creature creeps into my room

in early morning.

A whisper:

             "Don't worry Mommy, I'll save you."

My reply:

            "You already have."

Pain, Pain, Go Away...

First of all, I realize that a lot of my recent posts don't mention the ongoing project of 15 Before 30. I am going to create another post later tonight that will provide an update on the project.

Two weeks ago I had a leg surgery. It was a relatively simple procedure, and I was told I would be back to my old self in a couple of days.  This same procedure was supposed to be the start of a two-part surgery that would wrap up my 2.5 years of pain.  This was supposed to be it! I would be free!

For those of you that have known me for a while, you know I have lived with pain. Well, for some of you that know me, you still may have never heard about it. I was miserable, but I tried not to complain too much.  I remember visiting a specialist, and after him asking me the same question for the thousandth time: "Rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10." I screamed "14!!!!"

Pain can do terrible things to your body.  It makes you mentally miserable, it limits your daily activities, and it cuts you off from your social circles.  It's even worse when the wounds are healed, and the pain lingers.  There isn't a cast or a bandage for people to see.  They assume you made a miraculous comeback, and nothing can stop you!  Pain doesn't work that way for me.  I am fearful it will always be my companion.

When I started running, I knew a little trick.  With fibromyalgia and chronic pain, you can sometimes overwork your body, and it short circuits the pain response.  I really had that going for me for a few months, and I was feeling better than I had in years!  No medications or anything--just intense exercise and eating right.

Then the leg issues cropped up. Surgery #1, like I said, should have been a couple of days of recovery.  Two weeks later, I still have terrible pain in the leg.  I walked, I wrapped, I propped, I did everything they told me to do!  I have severe almost-painful numbness on my lower leg, and it feels like all the nerves have been fried. A blanket on top of my leg at night causes intense pain. Great...

Wednesday was surgery #2. It was supposed to be very similar to surgery #1, and the recovery time should have been short as well.  I knew better this time, and realized that the recovery might change from a few days to two weeks.  After a terribly painful procedure (I was only partially sedated), I was told it would be a six month recovery.

Six months.

Six months?!?

There were a lot of emotions that ran through me on Wednesday, as well as a lot of Valium.  I knew that some of the emotions were exaggerated from the medications, but others were real.  I had finally gotten my life and my body back together.  I survived the attack and recovery, I survived a divorce, relocation, and new job, and I had been doing well pushing myself physically.  Now, it was like a blow to the stomach.  Why don't they just chop off my leg now?

Ok, that was too dramatic.  But the reality was, I didn't know if I would ever get back to where I was, if I would ever heal and be the person I wanted to be, and if I would get to have the life I have been dreaming about and planning.

There was a lot of tears.

I realized that I have no control over some things that happen in my life, but I can choose how I react.  I am doing exactly what the doctor has told me, and will be taking it very easy.  This is going to be hard when I am used to speeding through life at 100 miles an hour.

I am going to reevaluate a few things.  There was a selfish response on Wednesday, and I'm not really proud that it was one of my first thoughts:

I thought about the recovery, and the unknown.  And I thought about relationships.  Who would sign up to deal with these damaged goods?  I was finally to the point where I could entertain the idea of a long-term relationship again.  Why would someone knowingly get involved with me when there was a lot going on.  And I feel it's only fair that people would know what they are getting into.  I am being dramatic again, but I feel like a leper of sorts.

So, this post isn't positive and upbeat.  We all have our rough times in life.  This has been my week.  Really, this has been a flashback of the past three years for me.  The three years I thought I could finally put behind me.

But there is something positive that has come of it.

Events like this do weed out the people that are not invested.  They tell me who wants to stick around, and who can't handle the trouble.  We've seen it in the past already.  So I will take this as an experience that will hopefully show me something new and different about myself, and even those around me.

I have contemplated adapting my 10K goal, but I don't want to change plans yet. It's like giving up. I am not ready for that yet...

And I have seven more months before my birthday. A lot can happen in seven months...

Intensity of Emotion

I have to wonder what people want anymore...

People express that they want more excitement in life, and they want something new and novel to laugh and cry and scream at.  They want a wide range of emotions and want to create drama around them.

In the same breath, they take drugs galore to numb themselves because the emotions get to be too much.  Anxiety, depression, and the whole sensory experience itself is an overload, and our brains need a reboot.

I really can't address what I think is reasonable for the rest of the world, nor do I really have the energy to do so.  I know in my own experience, medication makes me numb to pretty much everything.  I know I have a very intense personality, and that can be a great asset.  It can also be a hindrance in some ways.  People either love or hate me, my interests wander all over the place, and it tends to scare many.  I am very interested in many things, and my mind races hundreds of miles an hour.  I like to keep busy and I talk with great intensity about all of my projects and experiences.  If you make it through a conversation with me lately, you will probably think to yourself that my latest hobby is a home laboratory of sorts...

I spoke with a good friend last night about relationships, and about how there are epic highs and miserable lows in any great love story worth telling.  We spoke for a long time about past wrongs, and it was a great conversation over all.  This morning, he thanked me for speaking with him.  I told him I didn't mind at all, and that there was nothing wrong with intensity of emotion.  I believe to be human and take anything from this experience on earth, we have to be able to reach the broad spectrum of emotions.  I can't say I am exactly proud, but I can say I reach the very ends of the spectrum on a regular basis (we haven't determined if this is a good or bad thing).

This made me wonder: what types of people tend to feel these intense emotions? I am sure that writers and other creative thinkers tend to feel emotions in more intense form.  I am curious what other professions tend to experience these emotions, or if it just tends to be personality types, education levels, intelligence levels, etc? Or am I just overthinking it all?

I will admit that I am an incredibly smart individual, but I sit on the ground and watch the clouds and/or stars on a regular basis.  I am moved to tears while driving when thinking of a phrase, song lyric, or piece of art.  I often hear a voice narrating in my head as I move about my day, and it gives a vocal commentary of the story of my life.  I know these things make me quirky, but they also make me incredibly cool.  I enjoy being passionate about teaching and writing and researching.  I love learning and exploring new things.  I love photography and capturing snapshots of history of the world around me.  This intensity is what makes me tick, and I love it.

I can say, without a doubt, that I felt the intensity grow tremendously in these last few months.  It has been a great adventure to try new things, make plans and set goals, and look out into the future.  I have experienced an incredible fear when looking at the world alone again, an incredible sense of contentment as I realized that I could be at peace with myself and who I have become, a strong sense of pride of all that I have accomplished in the face of incredible struggle, and and intense joy while trying new experiences to see what makes me tick, what I can learn, what I DON'T succeed at, and what makes me happy.

Where Do I Go From Here?

For the past two days, I have been at a gifted education conference for differentiated instruction.  It seems like I returned from one trip to unpack, do laundry, attend work for a few days, then ship out again.  For this conference, I brought along high expectations of uncovering more secrets about myself.

For those of you that didn't know me when I was younger, I was pretty darn gifted.  I was an extremely intelligent and motivated creature, and always had a willingness to push farther and reach lofty goals.  Looking at me now: I am still motivated, and pretty darn persistent.  I worry that the "giftedness" is gone though.  I know that a lot of information came back to me post-accident, but it seems my processing just isn't as quick as it used to be.  My mother commented that it's probably only noticeable to me--that most people still see me as sharp and able to do incredible things.  Gee, thanks mom... I think you HAVE to say that... :-)

Anyway, back to the conference.  While I was there, I met incredibly interesting people and brought a wealth of information home to use on creating a motivating and autonomous environment for my students.  It really made me reflect on what made me so different from some kids I teach.  My upbringing wasn't perfect--we lived in poverty in the beginning.  My parents each worked multiple jobs for us to get by, and I have plenty of pictures of myself as a toddler resembling "trailer trash."  One of the differences I noticed was that there were always books EVERYWHERE.  I remember taking the TCAP test survey and commenting that I had more books than the largest choice on the survey, and wondered what I was supposed to choose for an answer.  I also know that my parents were excited and motivated to learn, and weren't afraid of making mistakes.  I believe this was a major difference in how I ended up being so freakin' awesome.  They taught me to get out there and explore--the worst thing that could happen was that I failed.  At least it would be fun along the way!

I wish I could say that's how it really happened.  In reality, I was a fairly tightly-wound young person.  I wanted everything perfect, and I was terrified of making a mistake.  I was afraid of the world around me, but I desperately wanted to join it.  I was intimidated by college, because I knew there were people smarter than me and I wouldn't always be the best.  I didn't really know my "place" in everything, and it scared me.  I craved order and hierarchy. Mass chaos was terrifying.

The accident was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.  I know it's strange to say, but I learned to loosen up, take risks, make mistakes, and enjoy life.  I learned to try new things and explore the world around me.  I broke out of my shell and decided that I was going to get involved in everything I could get my hands on.  I will tell you that many days I am exhausted, but I am ENJOYING life.  It's really a great concept. More people should do it.... :-)

I glanced at my calendar at the start of the conference today... March 16th... That means 8 months until I turn 30.  I have 8 months to complete my list.  I can't believe all of the cool things I have done so far, and I still have 8 months to go!  I am still working on the race and reading my list of books (I need to start updating on my progress).  Drum lessons have gone smashingly (yes, pun intended), and I am lining up my road trip and fish-catching excursion.  I am working on all the other adventures as well, and have quite a great 8 months planned.

And more great news? I had been working on a writing project. Actually it's a book idea, and I traveled to talk with people about the project.  I have been put in contact with publishers, and people are arranging interviews.  Everything seems to fall into place for this project, mostly because I believe they are stories that need to be told, and people do want to read them.  I also feel that a fine legacy of mine would be to publish stories for people to read for generations to come.  I am beyond thrilled of this opportunity, and wonder if I will get to sleep tonight. :-)

I also got accepted into graduate school for a second Masters Degree.  Now that I have so many great options, I need to start making decisions.  Life is a process, and I know there's time to get everything done.  No rush- I am more about the journey than the destination.

I am now looking out into the future, and can't even imagine all of my options.  Ultimately, I have every choice in the world laid before me.  Every day I ask myself, "where will I go from here?"

Applied Ethics and Pedometers

This might be the strangest post for me to write.  I guess it is strange because I am not comfortable going to bed without the answers to something.  Don't get me wrong--I have very little answers to anything in my own life.  In my job, I try to have some sense of direction and a clear plan (or at least try really hard to fake it).

What does this have to do with my "15 Before 30" project? Good question.  One of my goals is to run a 10K race.  Through this journey, I have begun training and running.  I talked with the Director of Coordinated School Health Programs, and ended up developing a school-wide Walk Across Tennessee program for the students.  We had overwhelming participation on opening day; so much so that we had to postpone kickoff a few days so that we could overnight some more pedometers.

There are students that have been following my "milestone crisis" project, and have been motivated to set goals.  In addition to the walking program, I sent out a feeler for a running group.  Our thought was that even if a few were interested, a cross country team might be formed.  Well, there are 48 students that are interested in running!!!  The only problem this presents is that I am only one person... and I don't even run terribly fast.  I do love running, and I love their enthusiasm. So, I will make do with whatever I can do to make them succeed.

Now, this is where the title comes in, and where my dilemma surfaces.  When designing this program, I knew that the basic pedometers leave a lot of room for cheating.  The reality is that they measure pretty slight movements, so anyone could sit and shake the pedometers, and end up with thousands of extra steps.  I am not saying I am Mother Teresa, but I do try to live to a pretty high moral standard.  When creating the rule sheet, I talked about integrity and morality, but tried to give the students some freedom and responsibility.

I was approached by a concerned student about two hours after the first wave of pedometers had been distributed.  He told me that he ran four miles during gym class, and was pretty proud of his accomplishments (as was I!).  He went on to tell me he had witnessed a few students that were sedentary, and were shaking their pedometers to register extra steps.  He vented his frustration that he was working hard to make himself healthier (and competing for prizes), and they were not playing by the rules.  He wanted to know what could be done to make them comply, other than public defamation, and perhaps stoning? Ok, I am kidding on the last part...

This brought up an interesting problem.  I didn't have the answer though. I knew what I would tell my own children- that there are people in this world that will always want to cheat.  I would ask them what they wanted to get out of the program- did they want to run faster? commit to reaching a goal? was that more important than who wins a prize? (You can tell I was never a person that responded to extrinsic motivators...)

I went home to think about what speech I would give, and what action I would take.  The revised kickoff will be Tuesday, and I have until then to come up with a plan.  I talked to my father, hoping to gain some wisdom.  He deals with organizations often, and always has a story to offer when dealing with business or large groups of people.

He told me how an employee at a very large company was made to wear a pedometer to make sure he was circulating the floor during the night shift.  The pedometer would be tracked every morning.  The employee did not keep with his end of the bargain, and instead of complying with his job description, he found out there was a machine on the floor that jiggled quite a bit.  He paid an employee that worked on said machine x-dollars to wear the pedometer, so that it would register plenty of steps.  Meanwhile, he could kick his feet up and read a magazine, or even take a nap, while his employees went unattended.

Long story short: the pedometer was left on too long, one morning it looked like the man walked 40 miles in a night, and he was fired.  So, I guess my public stoning sounded about right?

I started thinking about ethics, and if I could make this a truly teachable moment.  There aren't a lot of ethics classes in schools, and I wonder why that is.  It has nothing to do with religion--we are just teaching students to make decisions based on their values or reasoning.  I, personally, think it is one of the biggest lessons we could give to these kids.  I wondered how I would approach a lesson on ethics and make it interesting to the kids.  I didn't want to lock them into a room and rant to them, and I certainly didn't want to harass the ones that are already making the right decisions.  But I did want to make sure we were all on the same page, and give the opportunity for all of them to receive the same guidance.  I have learned in my years of teaching that we can't assume the parents have taught them values and reasoning.

What did I decide?  I did decide to give a modified applied ethics lesson.  I also decided to have a public contract displayed, where students can commit to doing the right thing, and signing their names outside my door.  I don't want to be a jaded person that constantly questions people's intentions.  I want kids to have some respect of  me, and I want to be able to trust them. I refuse to live in a world where I always have to plan for the bad guy.  At the same time, I have to realize that there are people that want to get rewards without doing the work, and it is my job as a teacher (and really as an adult) to guide them into making intelligent choices.  I do that by modeling appropriate behavior, and I can also do that by discussing important issues such as these.

This made me remember the one time I got in trouble in school. It was the third grade, and I was made to stay in from recess for 15 minutes because I was talking while the teacher was out of the room.  The real story: I DID talk, but I was telling the others to be quiet while the teacher was out (and I was trying to read). And when the teacher returned and asked who talked, I could not deny that I did it.  I just wish she didn't have to make an example out of me.

I do believe that part of this project was for me to run in a race--got it.  But I can see how it has evolved to quite a life-changing experience.  There are kids that are now dealing with important life issues, are getting healthier (by the hundreds!), and are inspiring change in their community.  How many people can say that about their to-do lists?