The Year in Review

Yesterday I finished my first year of teaching middle school.  I should say I SURVIVED my first year of teaching that age group...

Middle schoolers are interesting because they have a lot going on in their lives, and they really want to involve you in it.  Really, whether you want to be involved or not, they kind of suck you in.  I guess I was a terribly boring teenager.  I don't remember dealing with a lot of this drama.  Then again, I also know that I had awesome parents and an incredibly supportive environment.  I was a confident young person, and didn't really get caught up in the antics that happen today.

I did want to give a review, and talk about my last day of school.  Something happened on the final day that really brought together all of my thoughts on change in the school environment.  I had waited for this event to occur for a few weeks, but I guess things happen exactly when they need to (and I need to chill).

On the final day of school, students come to pick up their report cards.  They are only in the building for two hours at the most, and many come around to say goodbye to teachers.  I told many kids goodbye, and to have an incredibly eventful summer. Some of them believed me, and some worried that I had lost it.  I told them I wanted them to have adventures, and come back to tell me all of these great stories in August.  My name was called over the intercom while I was in the middle of a conversation, and I was summoned to the main office.

There was a phone call on hold, and the secretary gave me a stare as I entered the office.  She told me it was a parent, and this parent claimed the secretary was incredibly rude.  Great... I am already in for a delightful conversation when the sweet woman that answers the phones was accused of being rude...

I answered the phone, and was met with a hefty dose of hostility.  The mother on the other end had been MIA for the past ten months, but decided to contact me about her son's educational plan on the last day.  I guess there might have been some confusion about paperwork and not answering messages.  I know there are only so many times I can contact a parent without bordering on harassment.  Eh, it really doesn't matter now how it happened...

I told the mother I would get my notes together, and call her back from my classroom.  I did not have time to meet with her in person, because school would be ending in one hour and I had to fly off the premises to start work at my summer job.  Still, I wanted to touch base with this parent since I finally had her on the line.

I called her back, and was once again met with a few tense words.  I am a parent, and I understand how people can get defensive when their children don't succeed.  I can understand how parents have to deal with work, taking care of homes and family, and sometimes have to take on the extra responsibility of caring for a child with learning problems.  It's a tough job to care for a child with any special needs, and apathy can be one of the worst ailments a teenager can have.

I told her that I understood that her child was a capable being, but that he seemed to be apathetic.  I told her that I talked with him often, and didn't see that he had any goals.  He had moved here from another area, and clearly didn't fit into the rural life of hunting, fishing and farming.  He liked farming, computers, and was incredibly introverted.  A kid like that faces a hard time when plopped into Green Acres living.

As I talked, I could hear her soften over the phone.  I won't regurgitate the whole conversation, but in the end we were both laughing and chatting.  The phone call lasted over 30 minutes, and that was probably the best way I could have spent 30 minutes on my last day of school.  I was talking with a parent about incredibly big changes that could be made with her child, was making plans to help him set goals, and was getting incredibly constructive feedback.  I couldn't have been more thrilled!

I told her about the idea to create a mentoring program, as well as an after-school program to work on social ties and leadership among the students.  She told me she wished there was a community center that would provide programs for the kids.  She, like any parent, worries about drugs, trouble, teen pregnancy, etc.  This is probably the tenth parent I have talked to that mentioned the idea of a place for all of this to happen.  Kind of makes the wheels turn in my head...

I have quite a task for the summer.  Yes, I will be making plans for curriculum and testing and such.  I will have even bigger plans in developing a plan to motivate and empower these students.  These young voices are crying out for power, responsibility, and a future.  I am more than excited to help them along the way. :-)

It's Been a While...

I never thought I would get so out of the habit of writing...

The end of the school year is always busy, with paperwork and cleaning the classroom, exams and last-minute meetings.  I try to plan ahead every year, but I am always rushing around in the end.

Tomorrow is the last day of classes for the kids, and I am ready for a break!  I have been pushing hard this year, with a lot of new changes.  The divorce was final, I had a major move, a new job, and shuffling kids to school and activities.  I will consider this year to be incredibly successful- more than anything because I survived!  My activity level stayed high, and aside from the two surgeries I had a pretty healthy year (all things considered).

I am excited to have the summer to work on a lot of projects I let fall behind.  I also have a lot of work to do for my major project.  I will be reading my 10 books, I will catch my first fish, I will work on training for the race, and I will take my road trip.

Next week I am supposed to head to the mountains for a much-needed break.  I am more than excited at the prospect of reading, watching movies, and relaxing on the porch when I am not in the city meeting people.  I have been waiting for a break from this chaos, and the time will soon be mine. :-)

While thinking about planning this getaway, I thought about my patterns of photography.  I have gone through major changes in the frequency of pictures I have taken.  It seems I take more when I am having trouble with pain or with my memory.  It's almost like I feel like I have to capture memories so I don't forget later.

After my injury, I took a lot of photos.  I looked at them later, and couldn't really remember that I even took them.  It was helpful that I captured the memories, and I wondered if I had an urgency to capture the memories to look back on later.  I know I have had days like that over the past year.

I thought of taking my camera with me on this trip, and I know I ultimately will.  My immediate reaction was that I didn't need it, because I would remember this trip.  It's funny how I always capture very sensory memories of trips like these.  Any time I can find refuge somewhere, I always absorb the experience.  I will remember the scent of the cabin, the shine of the track lighting on me when I read a book late into the night, the sound of the birds in the woods in the early evening.  I am wishing, hoping, even praying that there will be rain so I can hear the rain on the tin roof.  And the feel of a warm bath in the old-fashioned clawfoot bathtub will be the perfect way to end an evening.

I may not remember little bits of memories throughout the past, but experiences like these will be ingrained in my memory forever.  I guess that is where my "focus" comes in- I am able to see, hear, and feel the world around me like many people miss.  I have to wonder if that's a better memory, or a more open lens when it comes to evaluating the experience.  I don't create the feelings later; I just realize what is happening around me more clearly.

I promise the next post will not take 11 days...

Memories

I was talking to someone last night about memories.  We were talking about how vivid "good" memories tie us from the past to the future.  Through the course of a random conversation he said the word "clambake," and I literally had a flood of memories come back to me from my childhood.  I told a 20-minute long story about the clambakes my family used to host, and went into great detail about my childhood home.  It is amazing how a random word can cause such a chain reaction when it comes to memory.

This is something I haven't really dealt with since the accident and subsequent falls and medications.  The truth is, I don't remember at least a year of my life now, and there are other holes that appear to be missing.  I know that seizure medications can cause major problems with memory, and I know that I was taking well over the maximum prescribed dosage.  Experimental medications always make me uneasy, and I was on maxed-out dosages of that toxic ick.  There were so many chemicals pumped into my body, I imagine I am more preserved than Keith Richards...

I want desperately to remember my past.  Even if it was a difficult time, I want that connection to my life.  I feel like I woke up one morning and started a new life, and it terrifies me.  I was telling someone this last night, and we noticed that the brain has seemed to reset itself.  I hear that people have distinct personality changes after accidents--I feel like my mind was definitely affected, but my personality remains intact.

Of course, we have to factor in the divorce.  There is obviously going to be a change in personality when I became liberated, so I don't want that confused with recovery.  I will say that through all the difficulties I have had over the past six months, and probably even more, I have had an easier time going it alone.  I feel like I can really be dependent on myself, and that has proven how resilient I really am.

Back to the memories...  I went to the Traumatic Brain Injury Conference a few weeks ago, and it was mentioned that for the most part, people are able to retain a lot of information or their slate is wiped clean.  I feel like I recaptured an amazing amount of information, but I do feel like I am lagging behind where I should be.  I long ago abandoned the idea that life will be perfect and I would be a high achiever.  Right now I just want to be comfortable remembering normal things like names and my grocery list (the people at Kroger think I am crazy as I stare off into space in confusion...).  But, with the lack of name recall, I remember most everything from graduate school, and have retained an amazing amount of trivial facts.  It really is amazing how much random information I remember, but can't remember basic memories.

I think pictures have helped me out greatly.  I do love looking at pictures from years past, especially around the incident.  It's strange to look at them and either remember everything about the picture, or remark that the photographer must not have been me (even though I was the only one that could have taken the photo).  Either way, I feel that I at least have a link to the past.  In time, I will be able to sort through my memories and place information in the correct time slots.

I do feel like my life now is without a filter.  I feel like I feel things with more intensity, and notice more random detail.  I don't have a lot of comparison other than going off comments of friends and family.  They notice that I am very involved in the world, and am embracing the experiences around me.  I am not sure if this is typical of a person with a brain injury, or if I am really living a different reality.  Either way, I do like it.

Now that the memories have started trickling back, I have to brace myself for the emotions that are connected.  I will get these waves of intense memory and emotion like in the clambake episode, and it terrifies me.  I can have the most detailed and realistic memories, so much so that it almost feels like a dream.  I feel like Alice in Wonderland, where the reality doesn't feel quite real.  I wonder if this ordeal will even itself out, or if I will have to hold on for the ride.

I commented last night that I definitely feel like I am on a different level now--I feel like I am not as smart as I used to be.  I recall most of the information, but it feels like my processing speed is dramatically decreased.  Other people might not notice, but I do feel different.  I know I have all of this information in my head, but my body isn't responding as quickly as I like.  It is terribly frustrating, and I am not sure what I need to do about this problem.  I did become more sensitive in my work with gifted students.  A teacher commented today about how one of my gifted students was "one of the best and brightest of the school, so how dare he..." Of course, if we looked at teenage development, his reaction was right on the mark for his age group.  To expect intellectually gifted kids to always be superior than their peers is a major problem.  And now that I feel like I have "lost" some of my giftedness, I am particularly sensitive to the whole experience of being gifted.

Wow, this whole thing felt like a rant--almost a lucid dream.  I guess that is how memories work, and how the mind works in general.  The reality is that this miraculous organ called the brain works as hard as it can to make connections.  We just hope that the connections it makes are to reality--that these connections can help us rediscover our past, and help us determine our future.  If not, it's been one heck of a dream...

Letter of Recommendation

This week I wrote my first letter of recommendation for a college... EVER.

I have been teaching for five years, but typically deal with students that are not in very competitive studies after high school.  When I did teach high school, it was in the special education setting--those students were thrilled they got to the point of GRADUATING high school.  They had goals, but it was such an unfair battle for them to even get their diploma.  Being competitive for college would have been a whole other battle they weren't willing to fight.  But that gets me on another soapbox...

Back to the letter...  I agreed to write the letter, and was very enthusiastic about recommending the student for any scholarship or programs the school had to offer.  There was no question about her abilities--I wondered why I had such a hard time coming up with the words.

Anyone that has known me for more than a few minutes has found I rarely have a hard time coming up with something to say.  I always have a thought or opinion, and I am not afraid to share it.  I will gladly sing this student's praises, but I had to start thinking about why I couldn't write the letter.

I pulled out a file of all of my letters of recommendation from the past.  I have a folder where I have them stored away from normal viewing.  I was hoping to find a pattern in the letters, and some ideas about what colleges would want to hear.  After all, I had been accepted to a variety of schools and was given scholarships--these letters must have done something?

I will say that I must have only glanced at these letters in the past.  Or maybe I really didn't understand their meaning while I was young.  Really, I think I didn't want to hear someone say wonderful things about me.  I didn't want them to say all these great things to colleges, hoping to impress them.  I have never been a person that worries about impressing those around her.  I have always marched to my own beat, and I have always been satisfied with that.

That is where my struggle ended.  I realized that my problem was that I did not want to list all of the wonderful things this student did solely for the hopes of impressing someone.  I was already impressed by this student, but wanted to write the letter so my real feelings would come across.  I didn't want the letter to feel fake, or to look like a form letter of regurgitated compliments.

So, I told stories about her compassion and honesty.  I pointed out how dedicated she is to helping students with disabilities.  How she has a sense of humor that eases those around her.  How her motivation will never let her down.

I hope she reads the letter.  I hope the schools pay attention when they read it as well.  I wrote the letter "To Whom It May Concern" as if I was talking to her.  I think that's the way a letter of recommendation should be.  Anyone can make a random list of qualities that someone might fit.  I hope it makes more of an impact when I explain all the ways she has made an impact on my life.

I came across the letter from my high school English teacher.  She wrote a two-page letter of recommendation in which she detailed very specific instances of how I impressed her with my motivation, dedication, compassion, and ability to lead.  She talked about my writing abilities, my insatiable desire to read, and my sense of humor.  You could tell that she sat down and thought about who she was writing about.  The letter was incredibly personal, and was very touching to read now.

I hope this student will pull out this letter in ten years or so, take a good read, and realize what an important part she has played in my education career.  I do believe I also need to make an appointment to speak with my English teacher.  I believe that visit is long overdue.

The Girl That Gave You a Story to Tell...

Today I woke up at about 4:20am, and I was REALLY sore...  I sat in bed and thought about how I used to be in pain all the time.  Every moment of every day.

And then I rolled over and got out of bed. :-)  I knew if I wanted so badly for change to occur, lying in bed wasn't going to make it better.

I went to work and decided to convert part of the day into a self-advocacy lesson.  The classes like hearing the updates on the training anyway, so I decided to bridge that talk into a full lesson.  It turned out to be a great motivation for them, and helped me as well.  I talked with a regular education high school class for a brief period about my project.  They were all ears, and were nodding as I told them the only person responsible for making me succeed was myself.  I am beginning to see that my daily success in this project is going to have a tremendous impact on myself and my family, but I also think it will carry over to the school. A few of the girls asked if they could work out, and were very interested in getting fit.

I redecorated my classroom door, so that all the students that passed by will get some daily motivation in all aspects of their life.  There are assorted quotes that I love, and I will add more as time goes on.  One of my favorites is on there:

I want to be the girl

that changed everything.

The girl that made a difference.

The girl that gave you a story to tell.

This was perfect for me, because I knew I always wanted to lady that grows old and has a collection of stories to tell.  But even more, deep down inside of me there was a part of me that wanted to inspire a story NOW.  And now is my time!

And I do realize that I promised an explanation of my goals and their significance tonight.  That will have to wait for tomorrow's update.  Today was an action-packed day of teaching and training, and my body has had all it can take.  The trainer has asked me today if I have brushed up on my Italian over the night.  I told him I was just going to find me an Italian man. ;-)

P.S. Today I DID train... Upper body weights, elliptical machine, and stair machine... Whew!!!